The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘shy’

Outer Space is Full of Garbage, Satellites, and Nerds

The astronaut named Jim gasped.

“Do you see that?,” Astronaut Jim asked. “Over there … What is it!?”

Pyotr the Russian looked, and gasped, but in Russian. “I don’t know,” he said in menacing sounding English (because he’s Russian, see), “it looks like … no, it … it …”

***

Meanwhile, on an alien spaceship, Astronaut Glork is talking to his friend Astronaut Bubba.

“Hey, yo – Glork – what the H is that? Is that … dude, check it, is that … an alien spaceship?”

“What the frick, bro. I think it is.”

Glork and Bubba exchanged a shocked look.

***

“You have make contact,” Pyotr said.

Astronaut Jim shrank back, thinking Pyotr was threatening him due to his very menacing sounding broken English. Stinking Russians.

“What should I say?” Astronaut Jim wasn’t sure what he should say.

***

“Dude, this one time on this other mission I was out and there were like all these alien spaceships all around us and we -”

“No wait, I’ve got an even crazier story,” Glork cut off Bubba. “See I was on this mission and this alien spaceship BOARDED our spaceship and they were all like ‘oooh hey astronauts!'”

“Psh. No way. That didn’t happen.”

“Shut up, it could have.”

***

“You think they’d even want to talk? They’re probably busy. I’m sure they don’t want to talk.”

“Our mission is interesting. You have test tube in hand – who doesn’t want talk with someone with test tube?”

“Please. Who wants to talk with someone with a test tube.” Astronaut Jim looked down and fidgeted a bit. He moved his right foot around like he was squishing a bug into the ground.

***

After three hours of this the alien and human mission controls got back in touch, “anything to report?”

“No,” the astronauts said, too embarrassed to admit they were too chicken to ask for the other life-forms digits.

***

Has anyone ever considered that we send total geeks into outer space. And I bet if other planets shoot people out to explore outer space, they probably send the nerds too. What if there is life in outer space, but everyone has just been too nervous to make the first contact?

Also, Russian accents are fun to make fun of.

The End.

I wrote this, then read this post which is also about aliens. Found that kind of funny.

De Jour of the Week (1/10/10)

1/10/10

I’m moving soon and will have to make new friends. This poem is purely fictional so it shouldn’t be that hard for my outgoing self to meet people ……..

I Couldn’t Help but Notice

I couldn’t help but notice, you’re not noticing me.
ME! … me … Cute old, little old, SINGLE old, me.
Why, oh why, won’t you notice me?

I’m noticing you,
Ohhhh yes I am noticing you,
So please, you,
Yes you,
Notice me too?

I may not have the nicest smile
And my stories may drag on for a while
But with bad poetry and thoughts that count I can beguile?

I’m a decent guy,
And I’ll mess up more often than not – but I’ll try
And, well, did I mention I’m a decent guy?

I couldn’t help but notice, you’re still not noticing me
And now, though it breaks my heart to say it, you’re noticing a she.

Just who is this she?
Is she just a she or is she a ’she …?’

Oh, phew, she is just a she,
I hear you discussing your ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend and how he makes you so angry.

I won’t make you angry!
That’s not true, I would probably make you very angry.
But here’s a challenge: until you’ve dated me you’ve never REALLY done angry.

I couldn’t help but notice, you just noticed me
And so of course I’m looking this way and that way and are you seriously looking at me?
I can’t be clever when YOU are noticing me!

Oh yes, I’ve just smiled in your general direction …
And I’m giving just the right amount of affection –
So that you can’t tell if I’m smiling at you or giving the wall a warm-hearted inspection.

Yes, my dear, that’s my charm on full blast
With such charm other guys in your life are memories in the distant past.

… Um, now what? …
Seriously, now what?
She’s staring, I’m staring, now what? …

I couldn’t help but notice, you’re not doing all of the work for me
You’re not coming over and talking to me
Forcing the words out of my mouth for me
Assuming, despite my lack of social grace, that there’s no one you’d rather be with than me
And then leaving your name and number and a patronizing pat on the hand for me.

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