The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Wal-Mart, and My Love Life

I have a few things about me that I think are good qualities when it comes to finding/having a girlfriend. I don’t know if girls actually appreciate these things at all, but I’d like to think they do.

One of these STELLAR attributes is my window washing ability at a gas station. I’ll explain that further since you may not get that at first.

When you go to a gas station, often they’ll have those little window washers and the dirty water bucket that they sit in. Because I never wash my car, I always pick one of those little devils up to clean my front and back windows. Sure it’s a little streaky because it’s dirty water, but it’s better than it was.

Here’s what makes this special for me. I’m about six foot, three inches tall and what this means is I can reach ALL THE WAY across the windshield in one swoop. That makes the shiny, clean new windshield slightly less streaky at the end.

What girl can resist that?

Me: “Hey I’ll wash your windshield for you.”
Girl 1: “I think he likes you.”
Girl 2: “Yeah … I think so too …”
Girl 1: “Oh, you don’t like him?”
Girl 2: “Eh.”
Girl 1: “Yeah I know what you mean. He ‘jokingly’ says for his jokes it’s quantity, not quality. But the thing is, that’s not a joke. It really is quantity. He’s like a bad 80’s movie. Joke after joke. And usually very little transition.”
Girl 2: “I know! Did you hear when he said he wished he owned a pan that was in the shape of a panda? So that when someone says, ‘what’s that?’ he could say, ‘it’s a pan…duh!'”
Girl 1: “Ugh. Classic him.”
Girl 2: “Wait … did he just … did he just clean my windshield in only 5 swipes? It takes me TWICE as many!”
Girl 1: “Oh wow! He can reach all the way across! Your windshield will be sort of way cleaner!”
Girl 2: “You know … I think I do kinda like him…”

This conversation could very well happen – EXCEPT … well, two reasons.

One, I haven’t made that panda-pan joke out loud yet. I thought of it while writing this. And two, Wal-Mart!

They now have those windshield cleaners with an extra long handle! How dare they! If this catches on one of my go-to romantic charms will be lost, and that is very upsetting. Please, if you’re reading this Wal-Mart executives, consider this, and stop producing those.

Or I may have to become genuinely charming – and that sounds like a lot of work.


Comments on: "Wal-Mart, and My Love Life" (1)

  1. If window washing doesn’t work out you could learn how to change oil and show them how to clean a dipstick. Man, that was lame.

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