The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumbfunnery’

DumbFunnery Resume

DumbFunnery

dumbfunnery@gmail.com
@dumbfunnery (Twitter)

OBJECTIVE

Make that dollar dollar bill by writing the same kind of nonsense I currently write for free. This doesn’t make sense, it makes DOLLARS – just give me the money and laugh at my jokes. (Please.)

EDUCATION

  • Square-danced twice in towns you’ve never heard of

  • Self-taught for the most part

  • Been called “unbelievable” three times for various reasons

  • GPA: Private (But trust me it’s good)

EMPLOYMENT

Writing Letters to Ellen DeGeneres
Self-Appointed Mission from Myself
September 2010 – Present

  • Championing the revival of the USPS via weekly postcards

  • Entertains postal workers with well-articulated drivel

  • Unrelenting pursuit of some time on the chair, chit-chatting with Miss Ellen

  • Maintains a record of the crazy which is available at: https://dumbfunnery.com/dear-ellen/

Poet Laureate of Three Apartments (Units, not Complexes)
Family of “poets” has led to this genetic and well-groomed “gift”
October 2009 – Present

  • Arranged words to make phrases that end in words that rhyme

  • Inspired by friends and Ogden Nash

Champion of YouTube
Director, Producer, Editor, and Star
December 2009 – Present

  • Enlisted the help of a dedicated team composed largely of myself

  • Motivated by boredom and an ability to amuse myself greatly

  • Helping to prove that people really do put just about anything on the Internet these days

Honing My Self-Imposed Awkward State of Being Which is Source Material
Living the Dream, Man, Just Living the Dream
August 1984 – Present

  • Befriended numerous people while living in: North Carolina, Oregon, Korea, Alaska, Kansas, New York, Georgia, Arizona, Texas (Dallas), California, Texas (Houston) (Go Army Brats!)

  • Produced any number of imaginary versions of myself which are at once super human in skills, intelligence, looks, charm, charisma, and humility

SPECIAL SKILLS

Too many to name. Ask me about it in person sometime.

HONORS AND AFFILIATIONS

  • Comment from anonymous online website visitor, “Mom,” made the bold claim that dumbfunnery.com is the greatest place on the internet

  • Descriptions of my dancing range from being told I’m an amazing dancer, to looking like a “caterpillar”

  • Via my Twitter account (@DumbFunnery) I corresponded with a local celebrity (I made a joke to a local news anchor’s account, he responded with an “LOL”)

My Tribute to Dave

My Zombie Roomy (3/6/12)

I’ve heard, possibly read (I really can’t remember) that dogs can be very in tune with your emotional state. They know when you’re down, and using their keen dog intellect they don’t make you take them for a walk right before bed? Who knows.

Anyway. I think the Zombie has something like this going on.

I am what I would call “actively single” right now. That’s another way of saying I haven’t been on a date in a while. The usual signs are there. I’m eating healthier. I’m exercising a lot. I’m reading more. It’s terrible. I do these things to primp myself until I trick some pretty lady into dating me, then BOOM, back to eating whatever I want and video games.

The Zombie, sweet undead fella that he is, has realized that in my actively single state I am wishing I had a girlfriend so I could be lazy. Also, you know, romance.

The last few hands I’ve caught him munching on have been men’s hands. With wedding rings on them. Isn’t the Zombino the sweetest?

New Orleans

 

 

 

Lies I Readily Tell My Dentist

Dentist: Oh it’s great to see you, how are you!?

Me: (Un-intelligable noise meaning great to see you too!)

Dentist: Boy this weather lately sure is great, huh!

Me: (Frightened noise because someone this peppy holding a sharp metal instrument in my mouth is scary.)

Dentist: You don’t mind if I talk about weird personal problems with the hygienist do you?

Me: (Weird open-mouthed noise indicating … well, actually, I do kind of find this one interesting. They never ask, they just do it.)

Dentist: Oh I love this song! This radio station is great!

Me: (Weird open-mouthed noise indicating oh yeah, I love this easy-listening-please-none-offend-none radio station!)

Check out Lies I Readily Tell to Salespeople

My Zombie Roomy (1/19/12)

Before I left to go home for Christmas and New Year’s the Zombie and I made a list of sorts of New Year’s resolutions for he and I both to work on. We did this after the gift exchange.

(Which I guess went well? He got me a crappy watch with blood stains on it, and he really wanted me to try it on, so I had to pretend to hurt my wrist. Later I cleaned it up some, which then made me wonder if I was tampering with evidence, but he can be like a little kid and get so sad if he feels like you don’t appreciate something so I figured a cop would understand why I did what I did. Also I was really drunk which probably hampered my thinking.)

I was gone for about a week, and then since I got back I’ve been pretty busy so I guess he got upset? I don’t know. But here’s the New Year’s Resolution list the day we made it …

And here it is earlier today, when I finally noticed it.

Maybe that’s his way of saying he needs to eat better? Or a call for help? Or anger? And where did he get that cookie? And how was the cookie so burnt on the bottom but just right on top? Oh yeah, I ate it. Should I not have? So many questions, so few cookies. What’s the world coming to?

If I Started a Think Tank, Part 2

If you recall (if not here it is), I posted a poll before to come up with the name of the imaginary think tank I would start. The masses responded in force (total votes: 9) and there was a tie between:

  • *Beep, Beep, Beep* – Hey, what’s that sound? Oh, nothing, just that THINK TANK backing up its ideas with SCIENCE and FACTS and such
  • Brain Shells (you know, the weapon of choice of a think tank)

Feel free to comment and force the tie one way or another … or I’ll be forced to use independent thought which is just rude of you, dear reader.

Moving on to today’s topic of interest …

Who will be a part of this Think Tank?

I haven’t extended the invitations just yet, but here is my first cut at the team.

  • The ghost of Albert Einstein, via Mellena Sellena, “Your Guide to the Stars and Life Hereafter”
    (I haven’t met this lady, but I’ve driven by her shop/home a few times and it’s thirty dollars to talk to one dead person, forty-five for two. Soooo …)
  • The ghost of Christmas Future, via Mellena Sellena, “Your Guide to the Stars and Life Hereafter”
    (This one could be a challenge for Mel Sel, I’m assuming she’ll be cool with me calling her that … if not it may not work out. I don’t know if she can contact fictional ghosts, but since I don’t really think people can contact ghosts anyway I figure why not get my money’s worth and make her really use her imagination and creativity.)
  • Lindsay Lohan
    (She will be working the ‘what not to do’ department.)
  • This guy Ed I used to work with, he’s super smart
    (Not only is he super smart but he has an awesome beard.)
  • Yours truly, DumbFunnery!
    (Can you imagine how many hipster chicas I can talk to when I say I’m on a Think Tank?! Why, hello, slightly less empty social calendar!)

What do you think of the team so far? Any suggestions? Would you like to be a part of the team?

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