The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

When I was in Phoenix for Christmas I went for a jog. It was a delightful little run, except for the fact that it was tough and a random man weirded me out. Yes, that’s the technical term, he WEIRDED ME OUT!

I was jogging across a main street, jamming out to my music and going happily (ish) along when this stranger, with body language that (in my head) suggested he was saying something rude/something he thought was funny said something to me. Fortunately/unfortunately, I didn’t hear a word of it because of Young the Giant.

It could be that I am crazy and he said something pleasant like, “nice day for a jog, huh?” but my gut tells me he was a Weirdo McCreepy.

Which brings me to today’s all-important post!:

How to make someone out for a jog feel self-conscious and/or uneasy!

1 – If you see someone jogging by you with headphones on, whisper something pleasant with a sour look on your face. “I admire your commitment to running on such a cold day!” you could say with a scowl and cock-eyed. Say it quietly enough that they can’t hear you, and so that they’ll assume the worst!

2 – Look at the persons crotch-al region, look visibly frightened, and then quickly look away. This will be sure to stay on the runner’s mind for a while.

3 – Go for an enthusiastic high-five as the runner goes by, and if she or he high-fives you, stop dead in your tracks and stare angrily at the runner. The runner, amused/encouraged by the high-five from a stranger, may look back after passing you and then be completely confused by your reaction. ‘If you didn’t want a high-five why did you … There’s not even anyone else … It just … WHAT?!’ the runner will think while zooming on.

4 – Look at the runner casually and give an encouring, albeit noncommittal grin, then look past the runner, do a double take at an imaginary swarm of bears who have smaller bears who are trained in close-quarters combat on their backs, don the appropriate look of fear, start running with the runner … pretending this runner isn’t out for exercise, but for survival.

5 – Give the runner a knowing wink. Or an alluring wink. Or maybe a confused look, quickly transitioning to an over-the-top attempt to look cool face, followed by a wink.

Have at it, folks!

***

And if any runners read this and think, ‘why would you do this?,’ I’ll tell you why. Running is tiring. Taking your mind off the pain/exertion by trying to dissect some weirdo’s actions can really distract you, and help carry you through the run for a while. It’s therefore helpful for the runner, and it gives anyone a chance to be a weirdo – what’s not to love here?

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Comments on: "How to Make Someone Out for a Jog Feel Weird" (2)

  1. underwaterraven said:

    When I was out running in the summer once, an elderly man stopped me (in mid-run! I was on a roll, but he STOPPED ME) and said, “I can see you’re working hard there. You know, if you try enough, you can achieve anything you want. Well done.” And I replied, “Thanks!” before running on my way again. Twas quite strange/amusing.

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