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Weekly Wacko (14)

I’m a Dummy

If you’re a girl I know, you’re probably better off if I don’t find you attractive. My freshman year I was, at the very least, six kinds of googly eyed for a close female friend.

One day we were walking back to our dorm after lunch. A pretty commonplace thing. We reached the door and she put her hand on the door handle, waiting for me to scan my ID to unlock the door.

Suddenly – a thought came to me. This is the same exact thing that happens with me and my dog. My dog will go to the door and stare at it, and then if I don’t open the door soon enough she’ll look over at me. At that point I would always move my hand like I was about to open the door – seeing this my dog would again look straight at the door, waiting for it to open. Eventually she’d look slowly in my direction, giving me a look that said, ‘you are such a child.’

I wondered if my friend would do the same – would she keep her hand on the door, staring at it, waiting for me to unlock it?

She did. Eventually she looked slowly toward me, I couldn’t help but laugh.

“What?,” she said, wondering what was so funny.

Why do I lie when I don’t need to, and tell the truth when I really don’t need to?

I answered, with a heartfelt smile, “you remind me of my dog.”

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Weekly Wacko (13)

Do You Speak Crazy Smart?
When you’re a programmer (like I was/am), you work with very smart, very odd people. I was cleaning out my apartment today in preparation for my move, and I found a few notes where I had written down some gems I overheard co-workers saying.

My supervisor: I’m running the [blah] test … What would cause the [blah] to be different?
A super smart guy I called The Robot: Shitty programming?

From a normally normal person (happily): You know there are times when I want to be just a mythical person! Haha!

A super, super smart mathematical guy who looked like someone who’d been living alone in the woods for 40 years (bumping into someone): Oops. I’m sorry. Glad we’re not riding motorcycles.

Yet another kooky guy: You realize in the future every time a computer breaks down we’ll be penalized. It’ll be considered genocide.

Same guy as above: I’m an old guy … [x years old] … But what I’d like to do is go to Israel and pop [pop meaning punch in the face] a few. Pop! Pop! And if I die, I die.

Same guy (happily telling a story): Went out shooting with [Joe] and some other guys this morning.
The robot (completely uninterested): Sounds lethal.

[This same co-worker also tried to convince a Chinese-American co-worker that China is, essentially, the devil.]

A co-worker with a nerdy/cynical sense of humor: So you’re taking your training? … Has anyone gone to jail yet? … Well, there’s still hope, maybe the plot will get more involved.

[I would run some tests that this co-worker put together and I would have to double check some numbers. So I’d look and see ‘8.675309,’ then I’d look at my work to verify, ‘8.675309.’ Eventually that stupid song stuck would be stuck in my head all day.]

Not a direct quote here, but a memory. During a meeting we learned that a co-workers house had been burnt down. Everyone sat thinking that is very sad for [Joe]. A co-worker brought this up, and brought a picture of the burnt down house, to try and get us to donate supplies for [Joe]. One co-worker (a brilliant math guy) looked at the picture and noticed that some specific material had burnt. He pulled a calculator out of his pocket, punched in a few numbers and then said something along the lines of, ‘the temperature must have gotten above [x] degrees if [x material] burnt!’ He and the motorcycle guy then debated the temperature.

And my absolute favorite! I was told I would be ’steering’ a meeting, and it was my first time to do this. I put together some slides and began presenting in front of three guys. One of the guys was the same is the motorcycle comment guy from above.

During the presentation the super smart guy asked a few questions and I would sort of answer them, sort of say, ‘I’ll get to that with slide [x].’ Eventually the super smart guy said:

I don’t quite get this yet … Is there something later that will help me understand this? (I nod yes.) Ok. It’s like you’re the director and I just have to trust you because you’re the director. I wouldn’t go to “King Kong” and five minutes in say what is this? Why are we in New York City? Everyone knows gorillas come from Africa. So I’ll just have to trust that you’ll explain it later.

Amazing. My presentation, naturally, had nothing that would in any way make any normal brain think of gorillas, or King Kong, or NYC, or movies. But this is the kind of logic a magically brilliant mathematical mind like his thinks in.

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Weekly Wacko (12)

I am the Jaguar
When I was home for Christmas and New Year’s I got to meet up with both sides of the family and hang out. I found out that my Cousin E had never heard of the blog. I was of course quick to post on his facebook account – yes, I’m constantly whoring myself out for this thing.
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My Cousin E posted a comment on an animal facts post. The comment is: “You know, I’ve always wanted to know about the jaguar. Not the jaguar everyone knows and is intimidated by, but underneath it all, what makes the jaguar tick?”
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This relates to an odd inside joke of sorts with the family which I’d like to share.

My sister, E$, and I enjoy GOOD questions like, “if you were an animal, what would you be.” Not what you WANT to be, but what you WOULD be. E$ and I debated about this and we came up with answers for our family.

My mom is a kangaroo because she is protective, but can be fierce.
My dad is a beaver because he is very mechanically and do-it-yourself inclined.
My brother is a … well, he doesn’t agree with what we say he is.
My sister is a panda because (this one is more joke-sy) she likes to sleep, and eat.
And according to my mom, I’m a sheep dog because I’m smart and cute.

That winter I ended up going on a short ski trip with my sister and two of her friends. The four of us went out to dinner one night and the question was raised: if you were an animal, what would you be? My sister continued to be the panda (one of her friends at dinner was the one who coined that), and I offered one for myself.

“I’m a jaguar.” BOOM! It’s a fact.
“What?!”
“Uh-uh.”
“No. Sorry, no.”

No one could see my true jaguar self. One of them suggested pigeon, to insult me. We talked back and forth and decided I was a fox. The conversation cracked my sister up because of the immediate and strong “nuh uhs” that came from my saying I was a jaguar. I was shot down, but like the jaguar, I’m a fighter.

This past Thanksgiving my sister and I had dinner with my Cousin E and his wife. Again, I raised the question. After a little while someone asked me what I am (it may have been my sister, who did so deliberately).

“I’m a jaguar.” Still a fact.
“Ehhh …”
“Nah.”

My sister started laughing and again I was foiled. Cousin E and his wife did not know that my past has been RIDDLED, yes RIDDLED, with people not knowing how jaguar-like I really am. But they were quick to shoot down my thought.

A little while after that my sister found an online test, found here, which through nine simple questions lets you know what animal you are. According to them I am an owl.

We all know that’s a lie.

At Christmas I found a report I’d written in the 4th grade on the lovely, the talented, the me, the jaguar. The report is magically bad. Fact after fact comes at you for 2 large font, double spaced pages. My Cousin E said, “it’s like you’re reading the encyclopedia.” We looked on page three of the report, the bibliography, and sure enough the encyclopedia was one of my three sources.

Except this gem of a line: “Other animals are intimidated by the jaguar.”What animal are you?Jaguar Out. 

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