The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘jaguar’

Worry-Free Man Dead

At 9:42 am, today, Doug Johnson saw a genie. At 12:42 pm, today, Doug Johnson was found dead.

Johnson, a high-powered executive, had been driven by fear and worry for many years. After a recent heart attack he was told he needed to seek ways to reduce his stress and worry. As a friend, Betty LePaige said, “as a practical joke, Doug went to see a genie. Really, we all found it funny. Like a Genie can actually grant wishes! But it didn’t work out so hot I guess. Genies, huh?”

According to various sources that saw Johnson through the course of the day, security cameras, nanny cameras, and a whole lot of policemen, the genie granted Johnson’s wish of no longer having “any worry.”

“What? I just? You know. The customer wants what he wants, wh-wh-what can I say? Hm?” the Genie said while doing his best Woody Allen impression.

After leaving the Genie’s business, ‘Genie Bone’s Connected to Your Happiness-Bone!’ Johnson immediately went to a Jaguar dealership.

“Oh yeah, we totally screwed him on the deal,” an unnamed source at the dealership said. “But he drove away really happy – who wouldn’t in a brand new Jag? Say I noticed you’ve got an older car out in the lot …” At this point the dealer smiled, and I was temporarily blinded by his charm and smarm.

The Genie reports what happened next. “Doug really had to go to the bathroom. So he did. In his brand new Jag.” When asked how the Genie knew Doug’s thoughts the Genie replied, “look, Brad Stanley thought it’d be funny if this guy was so worry-free that he’d pee himself. So he made me omnipotent, so that I could talk about this. OK!?”

Shortly after going weewee, Johnson came to a stoplight where a cop was stopped next to him. Again without any reason to stop himself Johnson yelled something he’d always wanted to yell at the police, “COWABUNGA SHRED-HEAD!” Without any real reason to arrest him the cops decided they should follow him until they figured an arrest-worthy event would happen.

Unfortunately, that moment never came.

Johnson, in his new car, had a thought occur (said the Genie), “say, is this one of those doors where if it’s locked you can’t open it? Or will it unlock and allow me to open the door?”

Upon finding out Johnson fell out of his car and was run over by Shredder.

Didn’t see that coming did you?


The End


P.S. I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately.

Animal Facts! (Actual Facts?!!?!)

Yesterday I posted some ‘Animal Facts!’ about jaguars.  This post and this post are about jaguars and are also fun.


Part of the jokes about jaguars came when I found the report I did on jaguars in the 4th grade. My cousin E came over (who helped start the series of jaguar posts I’ve done – again it starts here) and I found the report in my room and we browsed through it. It’s 2 pages of … well, you’ll see. His joke was, “did you just write down everything you read in an encyclopedia?”

When we got to the bibliography we realized that – yes, I just wrote down what I read in an encyclopedia.

The favorite line, by far, is “Other animals are intimidated by jaguars.”

This was not a statement in the encyclopedia, but a brilliant conclusion I came to.

Without further ado …


Jaguars live in forests, grasslands, shrubby areas and many other places. Jaguars used to live in parts of the world like Mexico, Central America, South America, Arizona, Southern California, New Mexico and Texas. Now they only live in Mexico, Central and South America.
Jaguars eat almost anything. They like deer, fish, wild pigs, tapirs, turtles and capybaras and other rodents. Jaguars hunt mostly on the ground. They usually hunt at night. Jaguars are good swimmers so animals can’t escape into the water. Animals can’t escape up in trees either, because jaguars can catch them there too. Jaguars usually stalk or ambush. Other animals are intimidated by jaguars.
Both parents are active in raising their young. They stay together for family protection. Jaguars are endangered. People hunt jaguars for their coat. Others hunt them to keep them off their land.
Jaguars measure from five feet to eight and one-half feet long. They have a one and one-half to two and one-half foot tail. They weigh from 150 to 300 pounds. They have a golden or brownish-yellow fur and lots of spots. The spots on their backs and sides are lightly colored and have borders. There is a dark area in the center of each spot. The spots on the head, legs and underside are black. The jaguar has 32 teeth.
Jaguars usually live to be about 22 years old. They have one to four kittens each year. The female is usually pregnant for 95 to 110 days. Male and female jaguars live together during mating season. Newborn jaguars weigh one and one-half to two pounds. Jaguars reach full adult size at the age of four years.
Some interesting facts about jaguars are: Some Indian tribes considered the jaguar a god. The jaguars scientific name is Leo Onca.
1. World Book Encyopledia
2. Book “Jaguars” by Alan Rabinowitz
3. Magazine “Americans” March 4, 1995
The funny thing about this picture (and the one shown yesterday) is that they are arguably the best parts of the report – and I had a friend draw them for me. Thanks again Michael W., for the awesome pictures.


Animal Facts! (Jaguar, Jaguar, Jaguar, Jaguar)

*This post is motivated by my somewhat real, somewhat joking love of jaguars (the animal – though the car is nice too). For the history, see my twitter account background, @haikustanley or this post. Also this post is fun.

Jaguar – Physical

Friends call him ‘the regulator’ because he regulates other species’ populations.

“Awwwwwww, look it! Ahhh! He’s eating me!” The person who said this was very proud to have been eaten by a jaguar. (I’m guessing.)

“Other animals are intimidated by the jaguar.” (A direct quote from my 4th grade report.)

If he had to get a corporate job, it would probably be in sales. That’s not really interesting, just saying.

True story: he went to get a tattoo and the tattoo artist said, “ok, what do you want?” And the jaguar said, “I don’t know. Something that looks cool.” The tattoo artist said, “no problem.” Four hours later the jaguar had a little tattoo of himself.


Jaguar – Emotional

Don’t have a fear of commitment, have a commitment to fear.

Have loved, and lost, and danced like nobody’s watching. Haven’t been to Disneyworld though.

Can’t bring themselves to buy a ‘proud parent’ bumper sticker, but the sentiment is all the same.

Has three emotions: badass, sleeping, other. The ‘other’ category has things like fear and sadness and normal stuff like that.

Wake up full of pity. Wait, no, hunger. Sometimes both.


Jaguar – Spiritual

The animal version of a job fair. If you think this doesn’t make sense, you’re right.

BOOM! (That’s what they say randomly, spiritually that is.)

If their aura had a noise it would be the song ‘Duel of the Fates.’

The first time a jaguar found out it was revered as a religious symbol it went and told its dad. The dad chuckled and shook his head and said, “son, you just met your first recruiter. Those guys will say anything to get you to join the Marines.”

Give hugs that could kill a man with how much emotional comfort they provide.


Jaguar – Bradual

Sometimes lashes out at zookeepers.

Uses the word ‘pounce’ in 4 out of 5 sentences.

Like real jaguars, marks territory with waste or by clawing trees. Unlike real jaguars, dances while he does these things.

Acts on instincts. Neurotic, weird, pizza-loving instincts.

Drools more than should be legally allowed.


The Pictures Above

1) Jaguar – Physical: A tiny toy jaguar from the San Antonio zoo. Behind it is a crappy painting I did for my sister.

2) Jaguar – Emotional: A picture of an actual jaguar.

3) Jaguar – Spiritual: A picture from the 4th grade report I did on jaguars. Come back tomorrow to read the report!

4) Jaguar – Bradual: The notebook I used for the report. The 4 stickers were used to cover when I spelled my name wrong.

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