Mountain Cottontail: Hey, I’m a –
God: You’re a fast little fella! That’s what you are. Ok, what can I do for you?
Mountain Cottontail: Well, I love my fur. Thank you for that. It’s just, …
God: You’re sick of the sex jokes?
Mountain Cottontail: Nah. Those I kinda like. But, I –
God: Wish you had opposoble thumbs?
Mountain Cottontail: Huh? You mean opposable?
God: No … It’s like … It’s a joke I’m working on where a human has two opposable thumbs but they hate each other. They’re opposite! It’s … it’s gonna be good, just give it time.
Mountain Cottontail: Can we …
God: Right. Yes. Go ahead.
Mountain Cottontail: It’s just that, I see other animals running away from predators, or fighting back, or even some animals aren’t hunted at all, and I wish I had a different defense.
God: You’ve got a great defensive instinct! I thought that was a neat trick!
Mountain Cottontail: Neat trick or a joke?
God: Um … kinda both, to be honest.
Mountain Cottontail: ‘Hey kids, today we’ll learn about how to evade a predator! You just stand there. Super still. Don’t move!’ It’s embarrassing.
God: No, see, it’s –
Mountain Cottontail: ‘But dad! Isn’t that how mom died?’
God: Oh come on, it’s –
Mountain Cottontail: ‘Yeah, and twelve of my twenty brothers. They waited till the last second, tried to run but NOPE. DEAD.’
God: (audible deep breath)
Mountain Cottontail: Can you please do something?
God: Ok. Sure. I’m going to make your poops tiny, adorable little pellets.
Mountain Cottontail: How does that –
God: Look! Ploop ploop! Look at those! Hahaha how adorable!
Mountain Cottontail: (audible sigh)
Posts tagged ‘rabbit’
Mine: I’ll Have the Spaghetti Surprise (What’s the Surprise?) THAT’S NOT SPAGHETTI!
My wife: My Husband is the Greatest in the World and He Also Makes Bold Assumptions About Autobiography Titles
My son: Pooping, Screaming, Crying, Smiling – My Life, And How it Sounds Like Alanis Morissette Lyrics
The rabbit that lives in the backyard: Why’s That Guy Taking Another Picture of Me?, and Other Concerns
The owl that lives somewhere around here: That Moron Has Still Yet to Take a Picture of Me, and Other Animals I’m Better Than
The neighbor across the street: Being the Cool Neighbor, and Other Life Advice
That one neighbor across the street: Perching and Watching, a Guide
The mail person: Should I be Concerned? A Series of Postcards that Give one Pause
Back (apologies for my handwriting!)
The text of the postcard is
Leave it to art to create new fears in your life. Until recently I wasn’t afraid of giant, highly evolved rabbits trying to take over the world.
Normally I send you postcards to try and get your attention so you’ll invite me on your show … But this time I just want this creepy rabbit out of here.