The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘rabbit’

Mountain Cottontail Defense

God: NEXT!
Mountain Cottontail: Hey, I’m a –
God: You’re a fast little fella! That’s what you are. Ok, what can I do for you?
Mountain Cottontail: Well, I love my fur. Thank you for that. It’s just, …
God: You’re sick of the sex jokes?
Mountain Cottontail: Nah. Those I kinda like. But, I –
God: Wish you had opposoble thumbs?
Mountain Cottontail: Huh? You mean opposable?
God: No … It’s like … It’s a joke I’m working on where a human has two opposable thumbs but they hate each other. They’re opposite! It’s … it’s gonna be good, just give it time.
IMG_20171108_072129292~2Mountain Cottontail: Can we …
God: Right. Yes. Go ahead.
Mountain Cottontail: It’s just that, I see other animals running away from predators, or fighting back, or even some animals aren’t hunted at all, and I wish I had a different defense.
God: You’ve got a great defensive instinct! I thought that was a neat trick!
Mountain Cottontail: Neat trick or a joke?
God: Um … kinda both, to be honest.
Mountain Cottontail: ‘Hey kids, today we’ll learn about how to evade a predator! You just stand there. Super still. Don’t move!’ It’s embarrassing.
God: No, see, it’s –
Mountain Cottontail: ‘But dad! Isn’t that how mom died?’
God: Oh come on, it’s –
Mountain Cottontail: ‘Yeah, and twelve of my twenty brothers. They waited till the last second, tried to run but NOPE. DEAD.’
God: (audible deep breath)
Mountain Cottontail: Can you please do something?
God: Ok. Sure. I’m going to make your poops tiny, adorable little pellets.
Mountain Cottontail: How does that –
God: Look! Ploop ploop! Look at those! Hahaha how adorable!
Mountain Cottontail: (audible sigh)
God: NEXT!

Advertisements

Autobiographies in My Life

Mine: I’ll Have the Spaghetti Surprise (What’s the Surprise?) THAT’S NOT SPAGHETTI!

My wife: My Husband is the Greatest in the World and He Also Makes Bold Assumptions About Autobiography Titles

My son: Pooping, Screaming, Crying, Smiling – My Life, And How it Sounds Like Alanis Morissette Lyrics

The rabbit that lives in the backyard: Why’s That Guy Taking Another Picture of Me?, and Other Concerns

The owl that lives somewhere around here: That Moron Has Still Yet to Take a Picture of Me, and Other Animals I’m Better Than

The neighbor across the street: Being the Cool Neighbor, and Other Life Advice

That one neighbor across the street: Perching and Watching, a Guide

The mail person: Should I be Concerned? A Series of Postcards that Give one Pause

Attn: Ellen (6/26/13)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres rabbit

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Leave it to art to create new fears in your life. Until recently I wasn’t afraid of giant, highly evolved rabbits trying to take over the world.

Normally I send you postcards to try and get your attention so you’ll invite me on your show … But this time I just want this creepy rabbit out of here.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

Weekly Wacko (12)

I am the Jaguar
When I was home for Christmas and New Year’s I got to meet up with both sides of the family and hang out. I found out that my Cousin E had never heard of the blog. I was of course quick to post on his facebook account – yes, I’m constantly whoring myself out for this thing.
.
My Cousin E posted a comment on an animal facts post. The comment is: “You know, I’ve always wanted to know about the jaguar. Not the jaguar everyone knows and is intimidated by, but underneath it all, what makes the jaguar tick?”
.
This relates to an odd inside joke of sorts with the family which I’d like to share.

My sister, E$, and I enjoy GOOD questions like, “if you were an animal, what would you be.” Not what you WANT to be, but what you WOULD be. E$ and I debated about this and we came up with answers for our family.

My mom is a kangaroo because she is protective, but can be fierce.
My dad is a beaver because he is very mechanically and do-it-yourself inclined.
My brother is a … well, he doesn’t agree with what we say he is.
My sister is a panda because (this one is more joke-sy) she likes to sleep, and eat.
And according to my mom, I’m a sheep dog because I’m smart and cute.

That winter I ended up going on a short ski trip with my sister and two of her friends. The four of us went out to dinner one night and the question was raised: if you were an animal, what would you be? My sister continued to be the panda (one of her friends at dinner was the one who coined that), and I offered one for myself.

“I’m a jaguar.” BOOM! It’s a fact.
“What?!”
“Uh-uh.”
“No. Sorry, no.”

No one could see my true jaguar self. One of them suggested pigeon, to insult me. We talked back and forth and decided I was a fox. The conversation cracked my sister up because of the immediate and strong “nuh uhs” that came from my saying I was a jaguar. I was shot down, but like the jaguar, I’m a fighter.

This past Thanksgiving my sister and I had dinner with my Cousin E and his wife. Again, I raised the question. After a little while someone asked me what I am (it may have been my sister, who did so deliberately).

“I’m a jaguar.” Still a fact.
“Ehhh …”
“Nah.”

My sister started laughing and again I was foiled. Cousin E and his wife did not know that my past has been RIDDLED, yes RIDDLED, with people not knowing how jaguar-like I really am. But they were quick to shoot down my thought.

A little while after that my sister found an online test, found here, which through nine simple questions lets you know what animal you are. According to them I am an owl.

We all know that’s a lie.

At Christmas I found a report I’d written in the 4th grade on the lovely, the talented, the me, the jaguar. The report is magically bad. Fact after fact comes at you for 2 large font, double spaced pages. My Cousin E said, “it’s like you’re reading the encyclopedia.” We looked on page three of the report, the bibliography, and sure enough the encyclopedia was one of my three sources.

Except this gem of a line: “Other animals are intimidated by the jaguar.”What animal are you?Jaguar Out. 

%d bloggers like this: