The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

Might I Suggest a Pairing …?

For your three your old, the green beans and chicken fingers would go absolutely perfectly with a “….NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” while kicking the table and crying hysterically.

For your six year old, a pouting face, a look of absolute hatred, death, loathing and never ending spite would pair delightfully with a vegetable pot pie.

And for your thirteen year old, just being in public pairs in just the most divine manner with … anything.

Oh … Oh I see. For the adults. You want to know WINE, W-I-N-E. I see. Well, I don’t know. I don’t even work here.

How To Get Ahead in Business

Coffee in hand, surly look firmly planted on your face, and attire that could only be described as “decent” – you are the model employee. You sit down at your desk, log in to your computer, and much to your vexation, you’ve got too many emails and too little time.

You open one up, it’s something corporate and mundane looking. Glancing through it quickly you see that this email doesn’t apply to you … Who are these people? You take a quick gander at the list of people this was sent to, a bunch of names and distribution lists you don’t know.

Suddenly a stream of emails is appearing before your very eyes – all of them with the same subject – boom there’s another!, boom another! – what IS THIS CORPORATE MADNESS!?

You open each one, trying to keep up with the rate at which they are arriving, “please take me off this distribution list” … “please remove” … “wrong Joe Somebody” … “I don’t think this was intended for me.” Why are these people replying all? Don’t they know it’s got a mass distribution?

You get up and go to a co-worker’s desk and before you can ask the question you’ve got your answer, “you seeing all these morons replying all? There goes another.”

AND THEN.

With the confidence and bravado only a simpleton could have, email after email arrive telling everyone ELSE “quit hitting reply all.” Mind you, these emails blasting the idea of reply all were, in fact, sent to all. Some are gentle, reminding you that not everyone cares, others are condescending, informing you that reply all is for n00bs.

And so we come back to Corporate Cathy. Sitting in her office, pen in hand, legal paper on her desk. Taking down name after name. Someone from another room calls out, “Cathy … I just don’t know how we’re going to get rid of another four hundred people. EVERYONE is important! Everyone is essential! Everyone brings so much value, and talent, and …”

Cathy cuts him off, “nah, I’ve got forty people and the list is growing.”

I’m Workin’ Here, I’m Workin’!

Recently at work I was searching through old notebooks for notes I had taken on something a while back. I KNEW I had written notes on how to do this, I just didn’t know which notebook.

Anyhow, while searching I found two things. One, a dramatic poem:

your liquid logic
spreads sugary lies
that I imbibe
and oh I’ll feel sick
but not now
pass me another please

And two, a delightful quote I recorded from a co-worker who approached life with a sort of neutral pessimism. I know you can’t hear my thoughts, but when I read this quote I can hear his Arkansas accent lazily acknowledging each word,

“we’re always screwed, man, that’s our state of being.”

And, I have to brag, I eventually found the notes I was looking for. They were from May 2011.