The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

Fedora the Explorer

In this up and coming smash hit TV series you follow the adventures of Zigs (his actual name is John, but he insists that everyone call him Zigs … no one does).

Zigs is a 17 year old boy who loves the internet, trying to prove how right he is, and fedoras. Oh and one more thing – the ladies.

In the show we follow Zigs as he offers lessons in how to live – what not to say in social settings, what not to say online, and he speaks two languages! Fluent in obscure references and English, he happily translates.

“Oh you didn’t get that?,” he says to a group of disinterested listeners, “it’s simple …”

And don’t get him started on an opportunity to “help” a female. “That’s not how you use that,” he says on his second visit to a gym to a woman doing hammer curls, “here let me show you,” meanwhile you can almost hear Ricky Ricardo shouting out, “LUCY! I GOT SOME MANSPLAININ’ TO DO!”

Tune in this winter for a new kind of cringe-worthy that’ll make your insides hurt.

If you don’t get this post – the whole making fun of fedoras and associating them with a certain particular type of guy … I could explain, but it’s not funny enough to be worth the explanation.

Not my WORST, but …

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Indulgence 5000

Stressed out? Overworked? Need a break? Due for some relaxation? Overwhelmed by life?

Try relaxing to the maxing with the INDULGENCE 5000!

This new model comes with:

  • PS4 or Xbox 1
    • Comes with one controller and one game of your choice (not to exceed 60 dollars)
  • Exceedingly comfortable chair
    • Warning: You may never want to move again
  • Feed bag allowing you to do things (like playing video games) while eating, pre-stocked with a milkshake version of the number 10 at Taco Bell
  • Drink tube, full of Mountain Dew, with shoulder harness
  • 10 pack of adult diapers
  • 10 pack of XL wet wipes
  • When purchasing the Indulgence 5000, record several voicemails, these will be delivered to your mom’s phone once every three days
    • Prevents the family from knowing you have embraced the state of a wallowing farm animal

 

Don’t hesitate. Get the INDULGENCE 5000 … TODAY!

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If I Was a WWE Wrestler

All fear the mighty APOCALIPS! Woe, woe, ye who defy me cry out in fear, agony, and dare I say, a trifle excitement? For I AM APOCALIPS! The wrestler who pins, smashes, mauls, maims, destroys, crushes, humiliates, and smooches.

YES! FEAR ME!

Note, you plebian, insular, simple-minded mongrels. NOTE I SAY. Note my bombastic biceps, my people-pleasing pectorals, my absurdly awesome abdominals, my thoroughly thick thighs, my catastrophically kick-tush calves, and my luscious lips. These are the lips you have heard of, the lips that have not gone for more than an hour without having a fresh coat of Blistex applied. Lips so soft, so kissable, so intoxicating to behold … that they could only signal … THE END OF DAYS.

Hark! What happens there? In the corner of the ring!? COULD THAT BEEEEE?

Lo, it is. My oldest foe … The aggravatingly short man who won’t let things go, who specializes in the trifling, the insignificant, the unimportant … Who works in a salon by day, wrestles by night, and haunts dreams incessantly … Known only as the the PETTY-CURIST!

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