The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘mountain dew’

Indulgence 5000

Stressed out? Overworked? Need a break? Due for some relaxation? Overwhelmed by life?

Try relaxing to the maxing with the INDULGENCE 5000!

This new model comes with:

  • PS4 or Xbox 1
    • Comes with one controller and one game of your choice (not to exceed 60 dollars)
  • Exceedingly comfortable chair
    • Warning: You may never want to move again
  • Feed bag allowing you to do things (like playing video games) while eating, pre-stocked with a milkshake version of the number 10 at Taco Bell
  • Drink tube, full of Mountain Dew, with shoulder harness
  • 10 pack of adult diapers
  • 10 pack of XL wet wipes
  • When purchasing the Indulgence 5000, record several voicemails, these will be delivered to your mom’s phone once every three days
    • Prevents the family from knowing you have embraced the state of a wallowing farm animal

 

Don’t hesitate. Get the INDULGENCE 5000 … TODAY!

I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But … (Part II)

Hello dear avid readers, how are you today? It’s time again for … “I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But …”

As some of you are I’m sure aware, people like to ask me for medical advice a lot. I always try my best to answer their questions and I thought I’d share some of the past few questions I’ve received and my answers with everyone.

And remember, for medical questions, just shoot me an email at DumbFunnery@gmail.com, post a comment, try Twitter @DumbFunnery, or Facebook on the DumbFunnery page. My God I’m incredibly available to reach. You might be tempted to think I’m making up the idea of people ever writing in to ask questions, but that’s just silly.

On to the very real questions!

 

Question One

I drink a ton of Mountain Dew, so, like, since that kills sperm count do I even need to wear a condom?

Nope! And even better news, you can spend that money you would’ve used on condoms to buy MORE Mountain Dew to ensure that those pesky sperm are really super duper dead.

 

Question Two

I’m going to be traveling soon and it says I should get a malaria vaccination if I can’t avoid mosquito bites. That seems pretty impossible. Or is there some secret I don’t know?

There are probably a lot of secrets you don’t know, but for now we’ll focus on the mosquito issue because that’s easier to answer.

There are a lot of great options out there when it comes to avoiding mosquito bites. Personally, I like to travel wrapped in a series of trash bags, completing the outfit with a long sleeve shirt and gloves, and a bee keepers helmet. One time cost of a bee keeper helmet vs one malaria shot every few years? Seems like a pretty simple decision to me.

(From the CDC’s site about Colombia, it says “When traveling in Colombia, you should avoid mosquito bites to prevent malaria.”)

 

Question Three

A co-worker told me at a meeting that he wants to talk to me about STDs. What should I do?

First of all, I hope you are looking seriously at what you are including when you are coding. If you don’t need everything within the C++ Standard Library then you could consider specifying those things which you do need. For example, std::cout rather than including the catchall “using namespace std” which would then allow you to just have “cout.”

Also, as we all know, be sure to wear protection and have serious medical talks with your partner(s) before writing code or having sex.

***

For more of my expert medical advice, check part I!

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