The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumbfunnery’

James Noguchi, My Unfortunate (imaginary) Friend

What would happen if I had a friend named James Noguchi, and he and I went to a party.

James: Hey, check her out.
Me: Who?
James: The chick, dude. Check her out.
Me: She looks sociable. Gross.
James: You’re a loser. Come on, I’m going to talk with her.
Me: What? Why do I have to come? I can stand here and pretend to text while you go do that.
James: Dork. Come on. You and I will talk about something stupid and then ask her about her opinion.
Me: That’s your move?
James: What’s your move?
Me: Using the internet.
James (judging eyes)

(Walking toward the girl.)

James: (loudly) I just don’t think, if I could pick any non-traditional super-hero power … that I would pick the ability to tell exactly how much sodium my meal contains.
Me: And I think it’s very important to know how much sodium my meal has.
James: You can’t look at the label?
Me: Food has labels?
James: (to the girl) What do you think?
Girl: He’s got a point, labels are boring.
Me: See? Another illiterate person at this party, finally.
Girl (pity laugh)
James: (glaring at me) Don’t mind Brad, he doesn’t get out much.
Girl (laughs)
James: I’m James Noguchi.
Me: Wait, what about some guchi?
James: Not now, Brad.
Me: Please? Just a tiny bit of guchi?
Girl: I don’t get it.
James: My last name is Noguchi … Brad pretends it’s No. Guchi.
Me: ALL I WANT IS A LITTLE GUCHI!
Girl: …
James: I hate you Brad.
Me: Fine. No guchi. You win. You’re a hell of a negotiator, Noguchi.
Girl: I think my friend’s waving at me to meet some other people. Nice to meet you guys!
James: I seriously hate you Brad.
Me: Looks like I’m getting all the Noguchi I want tonight. Want to head to my place and play video games?

 

(There’s a guy at work with the last name Noguchi. I walked by, saw his last name, and immediately thought, “how about a little guchi? Please? Just some guchi?”)

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Short Short Stories

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Birthday Card/Sympathy Card/Congratulations on the New Baby Card

Do you have a friend with a birthday coming up? Or need to express sympathy? Or have a friend with a new kiddo? Not sure what to get your friend? How about start with a nice card – and I’ve designed just the card for you.

Front:

Inside:

For birthdays – this card has led to a hug in 7 out of every 8 cases.

For sympathy – cathartic tears were cried 127% of the time (nearby people also began crying upon seeing this card, resulting in a percent of criers exceeding 100%).

For the new baby – it is not yet known what the effects of this card are, but go for it and let us know how it works.

Note: please DO NOT give this card as a congratulations on graduating gift. In 90% of test cases the recent graduate, upon receiving this card, became a carny. The weight-guessing kind of carny.

Category:

Du Jour of the Week, Pictures

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Modern Day Mechanics

With the way computers are coming up so big, and people of all backgrounds are buying them – tech geeks are the modern day mechanics.

“Uhhh … hey, I have a question.”
“Yes, sir, how can I help you today?”
“Yeah … So … Uh … My computer … Um … Is always making noise. And I want it to stop.”
“Making noise, sir?”
“Yeah. Like … whirrrrr.”
“Sir?”
“Umm … ya know … it’ll just be sitting there and then … whirrrr.”
“Is this a laptop or a desktop?”
“It’s … uh … what’re … oh! It’s a lap – top.”
“You need a cooling fan. Aisle fourteen B.”
“A cooling fan?”
“Yes, sir.”
“What? What do you take me for? Are you guys just making up new parts all the time? This is –“
“We have a special right now, only fifteen dollars.”
“Oh … ok. Which aisle? Fourteen?”

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Short Short Stories

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