The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘San Antonio Spurs’

Spurred to Write

It’s Friday night and I’m watching the Spurs, professional athletics most boring team. I have shared with you, dear readers, the letter Gregg Popovich, the Spurs coach, and a man otherwise known as Pop, writes to each new player on the Spurs, AND things in the world as boring as the Spurs.

But what I haven’t shared with you is what happens at halftime of every game the Spurs play.

Well, first, you should know that when you attend a Spurs game you are encouraged to dress comfortably. I’m not talking jeans and a t-shirt, I’m talking pajamas. The Spurs organization, like any NBA organization, encourages the fans to get loud, stand up, clap, cheer, yell, shout … But unlike other NBA organizations, the Spurs have a second reason for this noise from their fans.

They want them pooped out.

That way, when it’s halftime, and the lights dim, the “pump up the crowd” music changes to artists like Keane, Nick Drake and Charlene Soraia and the concessions stands switch to selling warm milk and one cookie … ok, fine you can have two. But only because you asked nicely!

If you are wealthy there’s an added halftime treat – Tim Duncan brings around a teddy bear for all courtside ticket holders. What’s more, he actually made the teddy bears himself.

When the Spurs and their opponent come out to begin the second half, you’ll notice a much quieter game with the following features:

  • Instead of blowing whistles, the refs will state firmly but quietly, “Guys …”
  • The athletes will just be wearing socks, which means no more of that loud basketball court-sneaker screeching noise
  • If the game goes to overtime, blankets will be brought out for the fans to snuggle up for the long haul

The second half is starting now, so I’d better pay attention to the game. Remember, there are only 437 more NBA games until the finals begins.

In addition to their other efforts, Spurs teammates stick to air high fives to reduce the volume.

Welcome to the Spurs

Dear ______,

Welcome to the Spurs! We are delighted to have you as part of this industrious and hard-working organization. We have a long standing tradition of striving for excellence while attempting to remain humble, and I’d like to take this time to inform you of a few items of note in our organization. Keep these items in mind and do what I tell you, and you’ll make a great addition to our team.

Manu Ginobili will insist on getting your number. You must allow this. Then, every night but Saturday night, he will send you a message on your phone that is him reading a short bedtime story or part of a longer story. You can stop by my office in the morning to get a recap (Manu will ask you specific questions), but I’ve found it’s best for everyone to listen to the whole message. ALWAYS appreciate the voices he makes up for different characters.

Kawhi Leonard is possibly the worst joke teller you will ever meet. He rarely remembers the punchlines, and when he does he often reveals them before he starts the joke. But if you want him confident going into a game, you’re going to have to laugh a lot. Bless his heart.

Tim Duncan is one of the most genuinely kind people who has ever existed, and he will not stop working towards creating a better world … To an unhealthy degree. We were driving together once and he noticed some homeless people, “who are they?” he asked. I explained that they were some of San Antonio’s homeless people. The next day he was a few minutes late to practice, and it was because he had been negotiating with a real estate agent to buy a house for every homeless person in San Antonio. For this reason, the Spurs organization would kindly ask you to lie to Timmy and not let him know that there is any wrong in this world. Really.

Tony Parker is French. Parkour started in France. Tony claims that he is the founder of parkour and that the name is derived from his last name. I used to wonder if Tony was doing this as a practical joke, or he sincerely believes he started parkour, but now I just roll with it.

As for me, the world knows I can be tough to deal with. As a reward for a great practice you can tickle me for 5 minutes. If you’ve had a great game, 8 minutes. I’m told tickling me is one of life’s greatest pleasures.

Welcome to the Spurs.


Is it just me or does Pop look a little … tickled?

Why the San Antonio Spurs are Boring

It turns out my buddy Juicebox finds people calling the Spurs boring annoying. I am currently watching the game (is watching the right word? It makes it seem like I’m not prying my fingernails off), and I wanted to write a post in honor of this thing he finds annoying.

I don’t actually care about basketball that much. When I watch, I root for the Suns, so I don’t like Robert Horry. And the Spurs still hurt a little because of the year they knocked out the Suns (and the controversy surrounding it).

That’s not what I’m here to talk about though. I’m here to talk about why the Spurs are more boring than a coworker’s dogs medical history. This was very difficult to come up with, but here are five things that are as boring as the Spurs.

  1. When someone is telling a story and they say “hoary” and you think they mean “whore-y” but no, they meant “hoary.” Temporary dose of excitement GONE.
  2. The variety of commercials whenever you watch something online (like ESPN3 or TNT basketball).
  3. The stuff you read through when you google “really boring things.” One of which was a video of Martha Stewart talking about boring things. Oh, internet.
  4. This list.
  5. Manu Ginobili’s bald spot. (Rumor has it his bald spot isn’t even real. Gregg Popovich asked him to shave it into his head to, “add some excitement to the team.”)

In reality, I way over-explained my actual opinion on why the Spurs are “boring” to Juicebox. I explained way past the point of his caring, but I thought it was accurate and a good explanation, so here it is again.

The Spurs are boring to MOST people watching the NBA finals. Why? Because most people watching aren’t big NBA fans. I really like, and know, football. Baseball is second. If I go to a baseball game and it’s a great pitcher’s duel – only four hits all game and the game ends 1-0 … that’s probably boring to most people. But you know what? Because I know the sport, I appreciate the talent that led to that happening.

The Spurs are very methodical, smart, organized, and they execute well. As someone who doesn’t care about the NBA, this is incredibly boring. I want stupid antics, over-the-top personalities, and nonsense. I don’t want to have to admit these things, because that means I’m into DRAMA … but you know what? That’s what people are hoping to see. Lebron causes conversations, Tim Duncan causes naps.

Face it folks, we want the drama. If we didn’t, the Spurs wouldn’t be BORING, they’d be amazing.

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