The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘nba’

Attn: Ellen (5/30/18)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

You know how NBA players commit a foul, a ref blows the whistle, and the player looks around, arms thrown up in the air, as though they are shocked and disgusted?

Whenever my wife reminds me of something I forgot to do I’m going to react like that. Backup plan – I’ll sweat as much as one of those dudes and she’ll never be in the same room as me.

Sincerely, OR @DumbFunnery

P.S. Seriously, they each sweat approximately one Nile River / game.

Why am I doing this?


Spurred to Write

It’s Friday night and I’m watching the Spurs, professional athletics most boring team. I have shared with you, dear readers, the letter Gregg Popovich, the Spurs coach, and a man otherwise known as Pop, writes to each new player on the Spurs, AND things in the world as boring as the Spurs.

But what I haven’t shared with you is what happens at halftime of every game the Spurs play.

Well, first, you should know that when you attend a Spurs game you are encouraged to dress comfortably. I’m not talking jeans and a t-shirt, I’m talking pajamas. The Spurs organization, like any NBA organization, encourages the fans to get loud, stand up, clap, cheer, yell, shout … But unlike other NBA organizations, the Spurs have a second reason for this noise from their fans.

They want them pooped out.

That way, when it’s halftime, and the lights dim, the “pump up the crowd” music changes to artists like Keane, Nick Drake and Charlene Soraia and the concessions stands switch to selling warm milk and one cookie … ok, fine you can have two. But only because you asked nicely!

If you are wealthy there’s an added halftime treat – Tim Duncan brings around a teddy bear for all courtside ticket holders. What’s more, he actually made the teddy bears himself.

When the Spurs and their opponent come out to begin the second half, you’ll notice a much quieter game with the following features:

  • Instead of blowing whistles, the refs will state firmly but quietly, “Guys …”
  • The athletes will just be wearing socks, which means no more of that loud basketball court-sneaker screeching noise
  • If the game goes to overtime, blankets will be brought out for the fans to snuggle up for the long haul

The second half is starting now, so I’d better pay attention to the game. Remember, there are only 437 more NBA games until the finals begins.

In addition to their other efforts, Spurs teammates stick to air high fives to reduce the volume.

Lebron James – Breaking News

Lebron James is a person.

Basketball is a sport.

News breaks, but super glue can help.

Wait, am I doing this right?

Oh yeah!

Find out more … at 11.

Welcome to the Spurs

Dear ______,

Welcome to the Spurs! We are delighted to have you as part of this industrious and hard-working organization. We have a long standing tradition of striving for excellence while attempting to remain humble, and I’d like to take this time to inform you of a few items of note in our organization. Keep these items in mind and do what I tell you, and you’ll make a great addition to our team.

Manu Ginobili will insist on getting your number. You must allow this. Then, every night but Saturday night, he will send you a message on your phone that is him reading a short bedtime story or part of a longer story. You can stop by my office in the morning to get a recap (Manu will ask you specific questions), but I’ve found it’s best for everyone to listen to the whole message. ALWAYS appreciate the voices he makes up for different characters.

Kawhi Leonard is possibly the worst joke teller you will ever meet. He rarely remembers the punchlines, and when he does he often reveals them before he starts the joke. But if you want him confident going into a game, you’re going to have to laugh a lot. Bless his heart.

Tim Duncan is one of the most genuinely kind people who has ever existed, and he will not stop working towards creating a better world … To an unhealthy degree. We were driving together once and he noticed some homeless people, “who are they?” he asked. I explained that they were some of San Antonio’s homeless people. The next day he was a few minutes late to practice, and it was because he had been negotiating with a real estate agent to buy a house for every homeless person in San Antonio. For this reason, the Spurs organization would kindly ask you to lie to Timmy and not let him know that there is any wrong in this world. Really.

Tony Parker is French. Parkour started in France. Tony claims that he is the founder of parkour and that the name is derived from his last name. I used to wonder if Tony was doing this as a practical joke, or he sincerely believes he started parkour, but now I just roll with it.

As for me, the world knows I can be tough to deal with. As a reward for a great practice you can tickle me for 5 minutes. If you’ve had a great game, 8 minutes. I’m told tickling me is one of life’s greatest pleasures.

Welcome to the Spurs.


Is it just me or does Pop look a little … tickled?

Three Boys at a Doorstep

Lebron James looked around, fidgeting. Kobe Bryant rolled his eyes and said, “fine, I’ll do it – but you need to learn to man up and just gun it.” That’s when Kobe reached out and rang the doorbell. (Though, to be honest, he was fidgeting too.) Meanwhile Dirk Nowitzki looked sort of like a billy goat.

The boys heard someone coming to the door and they all stared apprehensively at the handle.

The door opened.

A kind woman was standing there, smiling at the sheepish boys. “Why hello! I hadn’t seen you for a while!”

“Hi,” the boys said in unison, “is Talent home?” A keen observer would notice that the three boys had their fingers crossed.

“Ohh,” the woman said sadly, “I’m sorry boys, Talent took a trip with Off-Season-Effort.”

Dirk loosened an imaginary tie, Kobe overtly gulped and Lebron chewed his nails like a beaver attacks a tree.

“But,” the woman continued, “Talent will be back around the start of February.”

The three boys looked at each other, shrugged, said “OK!” and walked away happily.

Failed Childhood Dreams Party

My birthday is coming up in about a month and I am toying with the idea of trying to get a bunch of friends to go out on the town with me. Most years (if not all except during college?) I have flown back home for my birthday and had a low key night with the fam.

This year I’m not flying home – so why not live it up?

That’s right, I could finally have that party theme I’ve had on the back burner for years …

My sis, E$ and I thought this up when I lived with her, you come to the party:

As your childhood dream job/life that you never realized.

  • Maybe you wanted to be a rocket scientist?
  • Maybe an NBA superstar?
  • Maybe your dream was just to be really rich (that was essentially mine)?
  • Maybe a dinosaur?
  • Maybe an author?

Come one, come all to the party where your failed childhood dreams hang out and dance awkwardly.

What would YOU be at this party?

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