The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘sex’

Keeping Up With the Kids

Recently I spent a week in California with a bunch of family. Among that family was a 16 year old niece and a 12 year old nephew. Naturally, I took the opportunity to catch up on the latest slang to continue to bring you, dear reader, the latest and most important news. Light on facts, heavy, on, commas.

Without further ado, here is some new slang.

  • Bath water waves – something drug-related
  • More ovaltine, please! – something drug-related
  • Slimy soup – something drug-related
  • Mr. Peabody’s Dentures – something sex-related
  • You going for a jog? – something exercise-related, possibly also drugs
  • Pokemon Stay – something sex-related
  • Shiny shiny wigs – something drug-related

There you go, readers. Listen for these phrases to know when to yell at the youth.

Dystopians and Sex

Not long ago I finally read 1984 by George Orwell. It’s the age old charming tale of a dystopian future.

Here’s what struck me though:

Dystopian novels and sex seem to go hand in hand.

  1. Brave New World – Everything is regulated by the government, people who are created and controlled by the government are encouraged to have sex with whoever they please. People are not having sex to procreate, but instead as a recreational act (it’s a distraction).
  2. A Clockwork Orange – Some of the citizens in the country are out of control (which includes raping people), to counter this the government has devised a way to, basically, brainwash you to be good. Your self control is no longer there, you are “good” by force … To demonstrate this, the brainwashed man is put near a woman to show that, look, he’s not trying to attack her.
  3. 1984 – Life is incredibly regulated and, as part of that regulation, the government pairs you with a spouse. Sex is seen as a tool to create new citizens for the government. Sex is not seen as an enjoyable act, and as part of the main character’s rebellion he meets a woman who enjoys having sex.

It is interesting, and probably no accident, that these very well-known novels have such an “animal” or raw thing (sex) as something that is highlighted to demonstrate the government’s absolute control. After all, if you could control something like that, what else can’t you control?

It’s just crazy to me that sex is shown (at least in my opinion) as an example of control in such very different ways.

The other thing to notice is that the authors are all British. What is it about Brits and a sex-oriented dystopian future?

Listen Up, Nestea!

Don’t wanna get nasty
Just wanna get Nestea

That’s your new campaign slogan. What do you think? Ok, fine, you’re not immediately sold. Allow me to explain my brilliance!

What do you do with it? Oh I don’t know, sell records amount of tea!! (And sex.)

You have male and female based ad campaigns. See in the male version a young, attractive man implies offering sexual favors for Nestea. See!? Brilliant! Now you understand your new slogan.

In the female version, get ready, you do the exact same thing as in the male version.

It’s already entered our pop culture vernacular … mostly. Sexting, with a minor twist, is the same as sexteang.

You could have that one song, Blurred Lines, as the song in your commercial. Robin Thicke can be your spokesperson.

How am I not already an advertising billionaire!?

DumbFunnery Doles with the Best, Part I

Dear DumbFunnery,

My girlfriend and I are debating taking our relationship to “the next step” and I’m not sure what she means. I mean, I think she might mean sex, that seems like the obvious thing. But she’s really never said more than “the next step.” I want to have sex, but I’m afraid it might mean marriage. Is it worth the risk?

Madly in Lust,
Des Moines, Iowa

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Dear Madlust,

Holy cow dude. That is really personal. How am I supposed to know? And seriously, you’re writing about your sex life to a stranger? What a weird guy you are.

Hope this helps.

.
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Dear DumbFunnery,

How do you tell someone you think they smell like cabbage, without coming across really mean?

Hates Cabbage
Sunshine, Alaska

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Dear Cabbage,

This is such a classic problem I’m not even going to address it.

Next time give me a challenge.

.
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Dear DumbFunnery,

ohm y God. im crying. i am hartbroken how do you get over the luv of your life?

lost wthout love

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Dear … You,

With time.

On a lighter note – your letter conveys clearly that you are stupid.

All the best,
Me

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Dear DumbFunnery,

How do you go about deciding if what you’re doing is worth it? I enjoy what I do, but I feel like

sometimes I’m doing things just to please other people and not at all for myself. How do I even start

with trying to figure out what is best for myself, and others?

Confused and Trying

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Dear C&T,

I’m not a doctor and this is a bit unorthodox but I think your lymph node is swollen. Please get it checked out soon.

Sex in Space? Try These Out of this World Pick-Up Lines!

Sex in space – has it happened? According to this article, “Former and current astronauts don’t like to talk about space-shuttle sex, and NASA says that if it’s ever happened, the agency doesn’t know anything about it.”

I’m not here to comment on if there has been sex-space or not, but I will give some guesses on what lines were used to kick off the sexxins. Yes, I’d like to present …

 

Out of this World Pick-Up Lines

(Yes, the title is that bad.)

 

 

 

 

Gimbal, according to this, is defined as: “A device with two mutually perpendicular and intersecting axes of rotation, thus giving free angular movement in two directions, on which an engine or other object may be mounted.”

If that’s not a pick-up line for the ages I don’t know what is.

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Special thanks to my parents for getting me the LEGO Space Shuttle as a Christmas gift (after we tried and failed to see a launch.)

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