The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘drugs’

Keeping Up With the Kids

Recently I spent a week in California with a bunch of family. Among that family was a 16 year old niece and a 12 year old nephew. Naturally, I took the opportunity to catch up on the latest slang to continue to bring you, dear reader, the latest and most important news. Light on facts, heavy, on, commas.

Without further ado, here is some new slang.

  • Bath water waves – something drug-related
  • More ovaltine, please! – something drug-related
  • Slimy soup – something drug-related
  • Mr. Peabody’s Dentures – something sex-related
  • You going for a jog? – something exercise-related, possibly also drugs
  • Pokemon Stay – something sex-related
  • Shiny shiny wigs – something drug-related

There you go, readers. Listen for these phrases to know when to yell at the youth.

What’s Gotten in to the America’s Funniest Video Audience?

  • Drugs
  • Laughing Gas
  • Video of their mother at gun point, demanding laughter, or else
  • Mildly funny (at best) home videos, but made funnier by terribly boring senses of humor
  • Instructional video on how laughing works out your abs
  • Strawberries dipped in magic rainbow sauce (drugs)
  • Sleep deprivation

I wrote this then looked for a video to demonstrate how much the audience is laughing when they show them, but I found this clip and found myself laughing some. Why, self? Why? Anyhow, this clip has laughter that is way too enthusiastic considering what you’re watching.

Charlie Sheen’s Most Supreme Body Part

Which Body Part is Charlie Sheen’s Best?

 

 

Sorry for the crappy picture quality … (here’s the text)

Knee

“Dude don’t get me started on – WHOAAAAA I just cured cancer. Then I time traveled to everywhere and stopped cancer from even existing.”

 

Teeth

I remember one time I was gnawing on one of my arms (possibly someone else’s arm?) and I had to stop and just admire myself for a second because without thinking about it I had also chewed off 3 or 4 legs. Can your teeth do that? NO.

 

You Know …

Try this on for size – Charlie as a whole is an F-16. Ok. Fine. That’s good. Know what I am? I am your recurring nightmare wrapped in silk and piloting the Death Star without even trying and when I do try, man, you have to watch out because life. can’t. handle. this. Ohmigod I just invented gravity again. Now it travels at 9.9 meters per second squared. Feel heavier? Sorry, deal with it. I already adjusted and broke all Carl Lewis’ records in track and field.

 

Right Eye

Looked into your soul. Got bored. Created a new soul for you. Actually somewhat worse than your previous soul – sorry.

 

Knee

You know that feeling when you’re coked up and you can’t remember if you’re talking to a hooker or a nightstand and so you just kind of hold money out and hope for the best and then show that hooker/nightstand the night of its life? That’s how I feel ALL THE TIME.

 

Upper Thigh

I have to invent new words sometimes because the english language was invented by fools and tyrants and shquandlos and God I’m just wyxlam you know? Oh no you don’t because you’re inferior. Wait. Reading this temporarily made you better than me but then I created another version of myself, killed that version and again made myself the supreme being.

 

Heart

I WILL REIGN DOWN UPON YOU MY SUPERIOR INFINITENESS OF SANDWICH-LIKE MAGNIFICENCE! I AM TALKING CHICKEN SALAD SANDWICHES HERE TOO SO YOU KNOW I MEAN BUSINESS. LIKE WITH CUT-UP WALNUTS AND MAYBE SOME GRAPES AND LIKE THE BEST BREAD IMAGINABLE. BOOM SANDWICH TIME.

 

Hair

I’ve seen things man. I’ve seen things you can’t imagine and I just dance in the wind and meanwhile you’re all just sitting there contemplating about dinner. Dinner? Seriously? I had seven dinners already today because time stops and starts at my whim and oh I’m so effing whimsical today man.

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