The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Short Short Stories’

Three Wishes

Ok, ok, let me think. I wish I knew what to wish for.

Ok genie, I didn’t like that. Who are YOU to tell ME what to do about being careful with how I phrase things!? I’m pretty sure YOU aren’t the one with the power to command me what to do. So take a seat genie, because honestly, I just wish you’d shut up.

Oh great, now you’re making some dumb face at me genie? Really? You’re going to just sit there, making dumb faces after telling me what to do? You’re worse than … No, no, there’s only one person worse than you. My step mom’s hairdresser. Yeah, you wouldn’t think I know this person so well that I can promise without a doubt that she is the most annoying person on Earth but I have spent that much time with her … and she is … I just wish she was here right now so you could meet her.

…Well, shoot.

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Short Short Stories

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Hey Neighbor

Hey neighbor,

I wanted to write a note to say thank you again, and also to apologize. (aka my wife told me to – just kidding!, I really did want to.)

It was great of you to invite us to your home, and what a great way for your family to meet the neighborhood! I should not have said “woah, Stockholm Syndrome is really effective!” when you introduced me to your spouse. As I’m sure you’re aware, not everyone gets hung up about looks.

Your story about high school and being the student council president and what you learned from that experience was sensitive, touching and great. With time I have come to the realization that I should have expressed my sympathies rather than making a joke. Then again, sometimes a joke can lighten the mood, and I bet even you would have laughed if you’d have gotten the joke.

You see, Danny Devito is an actor and veto means to reject something, so when I said, “did you DeVeto that?” I was implying you’re like Danny Devito. That’s a compliment, he’s famous you know. And yes, obviously I know you’re a woman! Or, if I didn’t, I do now. Just kidding!

Your neighbor,
Doug

P.S. My wife has advised me that this letter may be just as offensive as I was at your party and that I should not send this … BUT, to be honest, it’s probably just going to get more creatively mean the more I try.

P.P.S. I look forward to your next party!

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Short Short Stories

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Drastic Measures

He sat down and stared at the behemoth in front of him. This … was to be his lunch. He already knew he would be eating until he felt awful but he picked up his fork and dug in anyway.

This was his favorite and least favorite (during astute post-meal analysis) restaurant in the world.

The amount of dollars spent here would be upsetting, shocking, pain-inducing and gut wrenching … Unless compared to the amount of calories consumed here. And then the dollars would be a mere drop in the bucket.

Before he knew it his plate was half empty, his appetite was gone, and yet the fork continued to move.

Slice, slice, bite. Slice, slice, bite. The rhythmic motions perfected like an Olympic level athlete’s perfect form.

He sat back, finally, stomach so full it almost hurt to exhale. Taking deep breaths because the effort had exhausted him physically and somehow, against all logic, emotionally.

The plate was conquered. The dish vanquished. Appetite demolished. Sense of self-hatred sky rocketing. The belly was the new ruler of the land and, oh, she was not pleased.

He got up, asked to see the chef, the manager, and his waitress. He took a large sip of his drink and proceeded to spit it out, as though his mouth was a whale’s blowhole, onto each of the three people integral in this all too large consumption fest.

Finally, he thought, I can actually stick to my diet now.

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Short Short Stories

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