The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘restaurant’

Eat Like a One Year Old

I’ve got an idea for a restaurant which would fail miserably … but oh what fun in the one month it’d be open.

The idea is customers eat like one year olds.

You walk in, the host or hostess shows you to your seat and then around comes your waiter or waitress. This is where the fun begins. As a customer you don’t need to say a WORD. Nothing. You can, if you want, you can say just one word over and over while looking at any and everything. Or you can just make noises. Or be silent. Whatever.

You are the 1 year old customer, and it’s up to you.

Over the course of the next however long you want you will sample, spit out, make weird faces, make noises, look with disgust and horror at your waiter/waitress when they guess wrong at what you want.

It’ll be grand.

The waiter/waitress will run to/from the kitchen, over and over, bringing you small samples of a really weird variety of foods, and you’ll happily eat four bites and then NO, I DO NOT WANT … ok, one more bite WAIT NO. I DO NOT WANT.

Be as difficult and crazy as you want as you eat a seventeen course meal, where each course is comprised of just a few bites.

Tip will be automatically included in your bill, because the wait staff deserve it.

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Literary Themed Restaurant

Recently my friends Airplanes and Battle Toads went to a restaurant called Tequila Mockingbird (which had another restaurant sitting atop it, Boo Radley). How great a name is that? (Both those, really.)

Which brings us to the next question – what would I name a literary-inspired restaurant?

  • The Old Man and the Sea Food
  • Where the Wild Games Are
  • 1984 … Different Wines
  • Brave New Swirl’d? (Swirl might take offense to this)
  • Moby Whale Dick, and Other Animal Body Parts You Wouldn’t Normally Eat
  • Pride and Preju-dis Steak is Tasty!
  • Animal Farm to Market
  • The Odyssea Food – Sweatpants Required, Shirt Optional – It’s Gonna Get Intense
    (It’s an experimental restaurant, instead of all you can eat, it’s all you will eat)

Drastic Measures

He sat down and stared at the behemoth in front of him. This … was to be his lunch. He already knew he would be eating until he felt awful but he picked up his fork and dug in anyway.

This was his favorite and least favorite (during astute post-meal analysis) restaurant in the world.

The amount of dollars spent here would be upsetting, shocking, pain-inducing and gut wrenching … Unless compared to the amount of calories consumed here. And then the dollars would be a mere drop in the bucket.

Before he knew it his plate was half empty, his appetite was gone, and yet the fork continued to move.

Slice, slice, bite. Slice, slice, bite. The rhythmic motions perfected like an Olympic level athlete’s perfect form.

He sat back, finally, stomach so full it almost hurt to exhale. Taking deep breaths because the effort had exhausted him physically and somehow, against all logic, emotionally.

The plate was conquered. The dish vanquished. Appetite demolished. Sense of self-hatred sky rocketing. The belly was the new ruler of the land and, oh, she was not pleased.

He got up, asked to see the chef, the manager, and his waitress. He took a large sip of his drink and proceeded to spit it out, as though his mouth was a whale’s blowhole, onto each of the three people integral in this all too large consumption fest.

Finally, he thought, I can actually stick to my diet now.

Basketball Player Restaurants

All right basketball players, listen up. You have well-known names, and some of you have names that make me giggle (I am juvenile). You’re rich, that’s cool. You’re probably also really kind-hearted and want to help make me rich.

Glad we’re on the same page on that making me rich front.

Now – what will we do about it? How about you front the money, you provide your name, and I’ll bring a little creative genius. Here’s just one small sampling:

  • Steve GNashables – It’s a tapas place, with a red decor, kind of a hell-themed restaurant, Canadian assist-masters have their dark sides you know.
  • Yow!, Yao! – A Cajun/Asian fusion restaurant for the Bayou City, it’s Casian food!
  • Kobe Bryant’s House of Yum Yums – It sounds creepy, because it is. It’s a an ice cream bar where Bridgett Jones Diary is always playing on big screen TVs. Kobe, I know it’s weird, but give it a whirl, eh?
  • Shaquille O’Veal – Guess what the specialty is … With a first name like Shaquille, it’s not like people won’t know who the owner is.
  • Kung Pau Gasol – An Asian-themed tapas place. Come on Kung Pau, you were MADE for this!

What’s Chinese for Italian?

Two of my friends and I went to eat dinner at a Chinese restaurant.

My first friend ordered his meal, and found out that it came with a soup or salad. Great, he said. What kinds of dressings do you have?

The waiter said something, “and ranch.”

“Uh,” my friend said, not sure what the first thing was, “I’ll do the first one.” He picked that one because he assumed it was some Chinese-food kind of dressing and wanted to try it.

The waiter then repeated the dressing, and this time it was plain as day what it was he’d said.

The waiter repeated the dressing name for confirmation. This time I understood him.

“Yes,” my friend said, still not understanding the waiter.

“What’s that taste like?,” my other friend asked, trying to figure out the dressing.

The waiter looked at us like we were idiots. I had to keep back a laugh. The waiter thought for a minute and then said, “Italy.”

The dressing, by the by, was Italian.

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