The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘SHRED-HEAD’

Worry-Free Man Dead

At 9:42 am, today, Doug Johnson saw a genie. At 12:42 pm, today, Doug Johnson was found dead.

Johnson, a high-powered executive, had been driven by fear and worry for many years. After a recent heart attack he was told he needed to seek ways to reduce his stress and worry. As a friend, Betty LePaige said, “as a practical joke, Doug went to see a genie. Really, we all found it funny. Like a Genie can actually grant wishes! But it didn’t work out so hot I guess. Genies, huh?”

According to various sources that saw Johnson through the course of the day, security cameras, nanny cameras, and a whole lot of policemen, the genie granted Johnson’s wish of no longer having “any worry.”

“What? I just? You know. The customer wants what he wants, wh-wh-what can I say? Hm?” the Genie said while doing his best Woody Allen impression.

After leaving the Genie’s business, ‘Genie Bone’s Connected to Your Happiness-Bone!’ Johnson immediately went to a Jaguar dealership.

“Oh yeah, we totally screwed him on the deal,” an unnamed source at the dealership said. “But he drove away really happy – who wouldn’t in a brand new Jag? Say I noticed you’ve got an older car out in the lot …” At this point the dealer smiled, and I was temporarily blinded by his charm and smarm.

The Genie reports what happened next. “Doug really had to go to the bathroom. So he did. In his brand new Jag.” When asked how the Genie knew Doug’s thoughts the Genie replied, “look, Brad Stanley thought it’d be funny if this guy was so worry-free that he’d pee himself. So he made me omnipotent, so that I could talk about this. OK!?”

Shortly after going weewee, Johnson came to a stoplight where a cop was stopped next to him. Again without any reason to stop himself Johnson yelled something he’d always wanted to yell at the police, “COWABUNGA SHRED-HEAD!” Without any real reason to arrest him the cops decided they should follow him until they figured an arrest-worthy event would happen.

Unfortunately, that moment never came.

Johnson, in his new car, had a thought occur (said the Genie), “say, is this one of those doors where if it’s locked you can’t open it? Or will it unlock and allow me to open the door?”

Upon finding out Johnson fell out of his car and was run over by Shredder.

Didn’t see that coming did you?


The End


P.S. I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately.

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