The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘world domination’

Little Squirrel, Big Plans

Tetons 12

Here we see Edward Vil, he is a squirrel. He stands at 7.8 inches tall, he has 20/20 vision, and he is a scorpio. What you may not know, but may have guessed, is that he lives outside.

E. Vil is not your average squirrel, he has a peanut allergy and wants to destroy all humans. He is also not an especial fan of dogs or birds.

Surprisingly, he finds bears to be adorable, and loves going to sleep at night listening to coyotes howling.

If you happen to meet E. Vil, I would recommend running away or he may try to capture you and brainwash you to be a part of his evil E. Vil army. Confusingly, he may instead just want a hug or to talk about the Texans hopes for next season. (If you are confused by him wanting to destroy all humans AND liking the NFL, you clearly don’t watch much NFL.)

I’d also like to add, on a personal note, E. Vil is charming, funny, quick-witted, and very intelligent.

Also, full disclosure, while conducting the interview of E. Vil, he did in fact brainwash me.



Plants for World Domination

To Whom it May Concern:

Yesterday (May 3, 2015) a personal ad I had paid for was in the paper but it had an IMPORTANT TYPO. I would like a FULL REFUND or the ad placed again in next Sunday’s paper.

To be fair, I will pay half the price to place the ad again because I actually got some useful information about ill-intentioned plants from two of the three people who responded to my ad. Below, please find the ad. Might I suggest a simple COPY AND PASTE to avoid TYPOS. Note also that the first word is PLANS and not PLANTS.

Thank you,
Berthel Seymour

Seeking individuals with GRAND IDEAS, leadership abilities and knowledge of how to run the world better. Please be ruthless cutthroat and driven BUT loyal to me (I can’t execute my plans with fear of being backstabbed literally or figuratively). Speaking of stabbing please be good with knives.
Contact me at The world awaits!!

The might saguaro – one of five evil plants I now know about.

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