The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘squirrel’

Little Squirrel, Big Plans

Tetons 12

Here we see Edward Vil, he is a squirrel. He stands at 7.8 inches tall, he has 20/20 vision, and he is a scorpio. What you may not know, but may have guessed, is that he lives outside.

E. Vil is not your average squirrel, he has a peanut allergy and wants to destroy all humans. He is also not an especial fan of dogs or birds.

Surprisingly, he finds bears to be adorable, and loves going to sleep at night listening to coyotes howling.

If you happen to meet E. Vil, I would recommend running away or he may try to capture you and brainwash you to be a part of his evil E. Vil army. Confusingly, he may instead just want a hug or to talk about the Texans hopes for next season. (If you are confused by him wanting to destroy all humans AND liking the NFL, you clearly don’t watch much NFL.)

I’d also like to add, on a personal note, E. Vil is charming, funny, quick-witted, and very intelligent.

Also, full disclosure, while conducting the interview of E. Vil, he did in fact brainwash me.

 

 

Attn: Ellen (12/4/13)

Front

Ellen147a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 Ellen147b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

What does it say as about America, as a society, that we are so crazy about water skiing squirrels … Have skiing mice never even occurred to us!? Do you see the guy on the other side of this card? I mean come on!!!

Anywho, happy belated Turkey Day!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

(Psst. I noticed that I wrote as instead of about, so I switched it on the postcard but was too lazy to re-scan it.)

Why am I doing this?

Quotes of the Day!

About a year ago when I was in Georgia and Florida to try and see a NASA launch (and another post here) I saw this book.

You’re a Horrible Person, But I Like You. How could I resist? The book is a series of oddball advice column type questions, with responses from various famous funny people. Here are a few selections which made me laugh (I won’t be providing context, but the context is often nonsensical anyway so it doesn’t matter).

The book definitely has some laughs, but it wasn’t as funny as I’d hoped.

***

As for putting dinner on the table – let’s not sugarcoat this. You’re going to be living on roadkill. My advice would be “Always remove the squirrel’s tail.” That’s a memory of cuteness you do not want to conjure up as you raise the stick toward your mouth.

The better question is, “What happens before you die?” That’s where we run into most of the problems.

What’s that old saying? “Advice is like opinions. Everyone’s an asshole.”

Embrace it. Get an ironic RACIST T-shirt.

Let me be clear up front. Your letter reminded me why I hate all sitcoms about groups of friends. Now back to you. I must admit you sound like a really great friend.

My Zombie Roomy (8/2/11)

I think the Zombie actually did manage to somehow combine with a werewolf. Is there some website he used for this? Or maybe a bulletin board at the local college?

“Unkempt, antisocial (except for during dinner), night owl seeks same. Hoping to hear from you.”

The reason I say this about a werewolf is because the Zombie has been attacking squirrels and birds lately. More dog than werewolf, but I figure it sounds cooler to talk about my Zombie-wolf roommate than my Zombie roommate who is dog-like.

It’s actually really annoying though. I hope this weird dog-thing wears off soon. Do you have any idea how annoying zombie pigeons are? I’ll tell you – they’re exactly as annoying as regular pigeons but they CAN’T DIE!

I may need to consider moving, it’s rough out here.

Animal Facts! (Black Bear, Squirrel, Dragon, Giraffe)

Everything you didn’t know about your favorite animals!

Black Bear

Ft. Worth Zoo 108Claim to be the first to wear baseball hats backwards.

Confused loneliness with horny-ness once, but thankfully used protection. Vowed to never let it happen again.

Probably the most sports trivia knowledge, ever. It’s mind-blowing.

Came up with the cheer “strawberry shortcake, banana split! All you guys are playing like sh…!” At ‘sh..!’ looks around mock-bashfully.

Once had a delay in O’Hare airport in Chicago that lasted 22 hours.

SquirrelApril 2007 249Had a huge crush on Charles’ friend Buddy from ‘Charles in Charge.’

Look cute in a fedora.

Aren’t sure if you’re kidding when you’re being sarcastic.

Taller than you’d think.

Great rack.

Dragon

dragonYou won’t believe their stories – but, honest, they’re true.

Guilty pleasure of quoting Disney meetings during work conferences – but doing so on the sly.

Doesn’t watch baseball until the World Series.

Went to a nudist beach and giggled the WHOLE time.

Wikka-wikka-wikka-whaaaa?

Giraffegiraffe

When they go on trips they’re the ones that end up paying five dollars for a toothbrush at the hotel gift shop.

When they’ve been drinking they’ll admit it – they had four years of lessons on the accordion.

Think it’s funny to do an impression of Fred Flinstone, but instead say “yabba dabba don’t!”

Did just go there.

Don’t own any loafers, but are always on the look out for a good pair at a great price.

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