The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘squirrel’

Little Squirrel, Big Plans

Tetons 12

Here we see Edward Vil, he is a squirrel. He stands at 7.8 inches tall, he has 20/20 vision, and he is a scorpio. What you may not know, but may have guessed, is that he lives outside.

E. Vil is not your average squirrel, he has a peanut allergy and wants to destroy all humans. He is also not an especial fan of dogs or birds.

Surprisingly, he finds bears to be adorable, and loves going to sleep at night listening to coyotes howling.

If you happen to meet E. Vil, I would recommend running away or he may try to capture you and brainwash you to be a part of his evil E. Vil army. Confusingly, he may instead just want a hug or to talk about the Texans hopes for next season. (If you are confused by him wanting to destroy all humans AND liking the NFL, you clearly don’t watch much NFL.)

I’d also like to add, on a personal note, E. Vil is charming, funny, quick-witted, and very intelligent.

Also, full disclosure, while conducting the interview of E. Vil, he did in fact brainwash me.

 

 

Attn: Ellen (12/4/13)

Front

Ellen147a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 Ellen147b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

What does it say as about America, as a society, that we are so crazy about water skiing squirrels … Have skiing mice never even occurred to us!? Do you see the guy on the other side of this card? I mean come on!!!

Anywho, happy belated Turkey Day!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

(Psst. I noticed that I wrote as instead of about, so I switched it on the postcard but was too lazy to re-scan it.)

Why am I doing this?

Quotes of the Day!

About a year ago when I was in Georgia and Florida to try and see a NASA launch (and another post here) I saw this book.

You’re a Horrible Person, But I Like You. How could I resist? The book is a series of oddball advice column type questions, with responses from various famous funny people. Here are a few selections which made me laugh (I won’t be providing context, but the context is often nonsensical anyway so it doesn’t matter).

The book definitely has some laughs, but it wasn’t as funny as I’d hoped.

***

As for putting dinner on the table – let’s not sugarcoat this. You’re going to be living on roadkill. My advice would be “Always remove the squirrel’s tail.” That’s a memory of cuteness you do not want to conjure up as you raise the stick toward your mouth.

The better question is, “What happens before you die?” That’s where we run into most of the problems.

What’s that old saying? “Advice is like opinions. Everyone’s an asshole.”

Embrace it. Get an ironic RACIST T-shirt.

Let me be clear up front. Your letter reminded me why I hate all sitcoms about groups of friends. Now back to you. I must admit you sound like a really great friend.

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