The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for January, 2010

Weekly Wacko (14)

I’m a Dummy

If you’re a girl I know, you’re probably better off if I don’t find you attractive. My freshman year I was, at the very least, six kinds of googly eyed for a close female friend.

One day we were walking back to our dorm after lunch. A pretty commonplace thing. We reached the door and she put her hand on the door handle, waiting for me to scan my ID to unlock the door.

Suddenly – a thought came to me. This is the same exact thing that happens with me and my dog. My dog will go to the door and stare at it, and then if I don’t open the door soon enough she’ll look over at me. At that point I would always move my hand like I was about to open the door – seeing this my dog would again look straight at the door, waiting for it to open. Eventually she’d look slowly in my direction, giving me a look that said, ‘you are such a child.’

I wondered if my friend would do the same – would she keep her hand on the door, staring at it, waiting for me to unlock it?

She did. Eventually she looked slowly toward me, I couldn’t help but laugh.

“What?,” she said, wondering what was so funny.

Why do I lie when I don’t need to, and tell the truth when I really don’t need to?

I answered, with a heartfelt smile, “you remind me of my dog.”

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De Jour of the Week (1/10/10)

1/10/10

I’m moving soon and will have to make new friends. This poem is purely fictional so it shouldn’t be that hard for my outgoing self to meet people ……..

I Couldn’t Help but Notice

I couldn’t help but notice, you’re not noticing me.
ME! … me … Cute old, little old, SINGLE old, me.
Why, oh why, won’t you notice me?

I’m noticing you,
Ohhhh yes I am noticing you,
So please, you,
Yes you,
Notice me too?

I may not have the nicest smile
And my stories may drag on for a while
But with bad poetry and thoughts that count I can beguile?

I’m a decent guy,
And I’ll mess up more often than not – but I’ll try
And, well, did I mention I’m a decent guy?

I couldn’t help but notice, you’re still not noticing me
And now, though it breaks my heart to say it, you’re noticing a she.

Just who is this she?
Is she just a she or is she a ’she …?’

Oh, phew, she is just a she,
I hear you discussing your ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend and how he makes you so angry.

I won’t make you angry!
That’s not true, I would probably make you very angry.
But here’s a challenge: until you’ve dated me you’ve never REALLY done angry.

I couldn’t help but notice, you just noticed me
And so of course I’m looking this way and that way and are you seriously looking at me?
I can’t be clever when YOU are noticing me!

Oh yes, I’ve just smiled in your general direction …
And I’m giving just the right amount of affection –
So that you can’t tell if I’m smiling at you or giving the wall a warm-hearted inspection.

Yes, my dear, that’s my charm on full blast
With such charm other guys in your life are memories in the distant past.

… Um, now what? …
Seriously, now what?
She’s staring, I’m staring, now what? …

I couldn’t help but notice, you’re not doing all of the work for me
You’re not coming over and talking to me
Forcing the words out of my mouth for me
Assuming, despite my lack of social grace, that there’s no one you’d rather be with than me
And then leaving your name and number and a patronizing pat on the hand for me.

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Weekly Wacko (13)

Do You Speak Crazy Smart?
When you’re a programmer (like I was/am), you work with very smart, very odd people. I was cleaning out my apartment today in preparation for my move, and I found a few notes where I had written down some gems I overheard co-workers saying.

My supervisor: I’m running the [blah] test … What would cause the [blah] to be different?
A super smart guy I called The Robot: Shitty programming?

From a normally normal person (happily): You know there are times when I want to be just a mythical person! Haha!

A super, super smart mathematical guy who looked like someone who’d been living alone in the woods for 40 years (bumping into someone): Oops. I’m sorry. Glad we’re not riding motorcycles.

Yet another kooky guy: You realize in the future every time a computer breaks down we’ll be penalized. It’ll be considered genocide.

Same guy as above: I’m an old guy … [x years old] … But what I’d like to do is go to Israel and pop [pop meaning punch in the face] a few. Pop! Pop! And if I die, I die.

Same guy (happily telling a story): Went out shooting with [Joe] and some other guys this morning.
The robot (completely uninterested): Sounds lethal.

[This same co-worker also tried to convince a Chinese-American co-worker that China is, essentially, the devil.]

A co-worker with a nerdy/cynical sense of humor: So you’re taking your training? … Has anyone gone to jail yet? … Well, there’s still hope, maybe the plot will get more involved.

[I would run some tests that this co-worker put together and I would have to double check some numbers. So I’d look and see ‘8.675309,’ then I’d look at my work to verify, ‘8.675309.’ Eventually that stupid song stuck would be stuck in my head all day.]

Not a direct quote here, but a memory. During a meeting we learned that a co-workers house had been burnt down. Everyone sat thinking that is very sad for [Joe]. A co-worker brought this up, and brought a picture of the burnt down house, to try and get us to donate supplies for [Joe]. One co-worker (a brilliant math guy) looked at the picture and noticed that some specific material had burnt. He pulled a calculator out of his pocket, punched in a few numbers and then said something along the lines of, ‘the temperature must have gotten above [x] degrees if [x material] burnt!’ He and the motorcycle guy then debated the temperature.

And my absolute favorite! I was told I would be ’steering’ a meeting, and it was my first time to do this. I put together some slides and began presenting in front of three guys. One of the guys was the same is the motorcycle comment guy from above.

During the presentation the super smart guy asked a few questions and I would sort of answer them, sort of say, ‘I’ll get to that with slide [x].’ Eventually the super smart guy said:

I don’t quite get this yet … Is there something later that will help me understand this? (I nod yes.) Ok. It’s like you’re the director and I just have to trust you because you’re the director. I wouldn’t go to “King Kong” and five minutes in say what is this? Why are we in New York City? Everyone knows gorillas come from Africa. So I’ll just have to trust that you’ll explain it later.

Amazing. My presentation, naturally, had nothing that would in any way make any normal brain think of gorillas, or King Kong, or NYC, or movies. But this is the kind of logic a magically brilliant mathematical mind like his thinks in.

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