The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘single’

Halloween Costumes to Make it Really Clear You’re Single and Looking

Tandem bike, but with no partner. Still too subtle? Try putting a sign on the other seat that says, “this seat open.”

Any costume at all, but stare far too long at any woman (or man) that walks by.

Get a piece of poster board and go as “Facebook.” Display your relationship status as SINGLE. Still too subtle? Have a bunch of wall postings that no one has liked, except other clearly single friends.

Any costume where your cat is dressed up as part of a themed outfit.

Kissing booth. Still too subtle? Have a sign offering to pay people to let you kiss them.

My Zombie Roomy (2/15/10)

2/15/10
I never thought I’d spend my Valentine’s day with a zombie. But I did.

And you know what, it was weird.

I’m curious if I have a gay, freeloading zombie roommate. I mean, I’m fine with gay people, but I was getting some weird vibes from the zombie last night, so this is kind of worrying me.

I may be crazy, that’s entirely possible – but I swear there were little things that kept happening. Like, the zombie was sitting in the middle of the couch. You don’t do that. You sit on one side. And then I turned on the TV and you know what movie was playing? The Breakfast Club.

That seemed more zombie-gay yesterday. Maybe I’m being irrational. All right, my brain is just fried from a long day of work I guess. I’m going to watch some TV and eat some cookies. I’m going out of town, to New Orleans with two friends … I think the time apart from the zombie may be a good thing.

I’ll be in New Orleans with Kate and Barbara.

De Jour of the Week (1/10/10)

1/10/10

I’m moving soon and will have to make new friends. This poem is purely fictional so it shouldn’t be that hard for my outgoing self to meet people ……..

I Couldn’t Help but Notice

I couldn’t help but notice, you’re not noticing me.
ME! … me … Cute old, little old, SINGLE old, me.
Why, oh why, won’t you notice me?

I’m noticing you,
Ohhhh yes I am noticing you,
So please, you,
Yes you,
Notice me too?

I may not have the nicest smile
And my stories may drag on for a while
But with bad poetry and thoughts that count I can beguile?

I’m a decent guy,
And I’ll mess up more often than not – but I’ll try
And, well, did I mention I’m a decent guy?

I couldn’t help but notice, you’re still not noticing me
And now, though it breaks my heart to say it, you’re noticing a she.

Just who is this she?
Is she just a she or is she a ’she …?’

Oh, phew, she is just a she,
I hear you discussing your ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend and how he makes you so angry.

I won’t make you angry!
That’s not true, I would probably make you very angry.
But here’s a challenge: until you’ve dated me you’ve never REALLY done angry.

I couldn’t help but notice, you just noticed me
And so of course I’m looking this way and that way and are you seriously looking at me?
I can’t be clever when YOU are noticing me!

Oh yes, I’ve just smiled in your general direction …
And I’m giving just the right amount of affection –
So that you can’t tell if I’m smiling at you or giving the wall a warm-hearted inspection.

Yes, my dear, that’s my charm on full blast
With such charm other guys in your life are memories in the distant past.

… Um, now what? …
Seriously, now what?
She’s staring, I’m staring, now what? …

I couldn’t help but notice, you’re not doing all of the work for me
You’re not coming over and talking to me
Forcing the words out of my mouth for me
Assuming, despite my lack of social grace, that there’s no one you’d rather be with than me
And then leaving your name and number and a patronizing pat on the hand for me.

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