The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

As a thoughtful person, I will arrange my apologies in three categories: friends and family, random people on the street/cops/Twitter followers, and people I confessed my love for.

Friends and family:

During those weeks I spent in my shelter I realized the error of my ways. Can I live without you? No. Would I be better off if I never saw you again? No! Do I wish we’d never even met? Perish the thought!

Why would I have said such things? Temporary insanity! Clearly! I mean, come on, I believed in the Mayan Apocalypse! Let’s all laugh about that, and enjoy some friendly ribbing! I can take an insult as well as I can give one … But, don’t you want to learn from my mistakes and be better than me? I think you do. Let’s do each other a favor: you should forgive me and I will hang out with you like before.

Random people on the street/cops/Twitter followers:

Any negative experiences you underwent as the result of alleged interactions with me are truly unfortunate, and I, as any decent person would, wish only the best for you.

People I confessed my love for:

First of all, I feel like I have a big heart, so the idea of me having several people who are “my one and only” is not THAT unrealistic. I want to make that clear.

Unfortunately, traditional thinking will probably keep you from understanding how big my heart is – so I am deeply sorry about confessing my love to four people  (two of whom are married, and those apologies extend to the husbands as well).

To the guy I confessed my love for … I wanted to see what it felt like. As someone who works in a laboratory, I feel like you should be impressed at my scientific approach. What does it feel like to tell a man you love him? For me, eh.

I guess we both learned something that day, you’re not gay, and I need a girlfriend. Look at that, jokes about myself! See! I can give and receive this kind of “bashing!” What fun!

Oh, and happy New Year everyone!

Comments on: "Dear Friends and Family, part 2" (1)

  1. These people need to forgive you. You’re a saint.

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