The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dooms day’

Dear Friends and Family, part 2

As a thoughtful person, I will arrange my apologies in three categories: friends and family, random people on the street/cops/Twitter followers, and people I confessed my love for.

Friends and family:

During those weeks I spent in my shelter I realized the error of my ways. Can I live without you? No. Would I be better off if I never saw you again? No! Do I wish we’d never even met? Perish the thought!

Why would I have said such things? Temporary insanity! Clearly! I mean, come on, I believed in the Mayan Apocalypse! Let’s all laugh about that, and enjoy some friendly ribbing! I can take an insult as well as I can give one … But, don’t you want to learn from my mistakes and be better than me? I think you do. Let’s do each other a favor: you should forgive me and I will hang out with you like before.

Random people on the street/cops/Twitter followers:

Any negative experiences you underwent as the result of alleged interactions with me are truly unfortunate, and I, as any decent person would, wish only the best for you.

People I confessed my love for:

First of all, I feel like I have a big heart, so the idea of me having several people who are “my one and only” is not THAT unrealistic. I want to make that clear.

Unfortunately, traditional thinking will probably keep you from understanding how big my heart is – so I am deeply sorry about confessing my love to four people  (two of whom are married, and those apologies extend to the husbands as well).

To the guy I confessed my love for … I wanted to see what it felt like. As someone who works in a laboratory, I feel like you should be impressed at my scientific approach. What does it feel like to tell a man you love him? For me, eh.

I guess we both learned something that day, you’re not gay, and I need a girlfriend. Look at that, jokes about myself! See! I can give and receive this kind of “bashing!” What fun!

Oh, and happy New Year everyone!

Dear Friends and Family

We all make mistakes, don’t we?

I think every one of us regards Aunt Lois with great respect, even though eight years ago she sent money to help a “Nigerian Princess” or some such thing. Why do we still respect her? Because she had pure intentions and overall she has been an incredibly intelligent, kind, and clear-thinking woman.

I bring this up because I feel like I have had my “Nigerian Princess” moment in the form of living in a bomb shelter for the past few weeks, having assumed the Mayans had nailed it, and also having said a few not so fond fair-wells.

First off, a quick apology. My bad! Seriously! I’ll get back to this, but the next thing I want to talk about is my stuff.

Please everyone give me back my stuff.

And sorry if I cursed you out as I gave you my stuff.

Joey, even though you called me a moron, I gave you my TV. Yes, I gave you the TV with the implication that I hoped you would enjoy reruns of Frasier in Hell, but let’s look at that statement.

Overall, it’s positive. There’s hope, I mention a show you enjoy, and I gave you my TV. The only negative part was the whole Hell thing – but, as you and I have debated, we can’t really know if Heaven and Hell exist.

Why would someone not give me back a TV after such a kind act? I don’t know, Joey, but apparently you must have a reason because I still don’t have my TV.

Don’t worry, everyone!, I have good news too! This morning I went to a garage sale where a number of my things  were being sold (uncool, man, I don’t know if we can become friends again after that … but I suppose I would be willing to forgive you for that, if you forgave me for telling your wife she could’ve done better).

Please come back tomorrow for the apologies.

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