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Ask DumbFunnery – Celebrity Gossip!

Who’s hot to trot, and who’s not!? Find out in this December Issue of Dishing Over Dishes! Today, I’m joined by a simpleton. We’ll find out what he knows about celebrities!

Q: What makes Kelly Ripa so down to earth?
A: She is very short. Something like 3, or 4, or maybe 5 feet tall. Certainly not 6. Likely in the 3-5 range. Even if she jumps she is still really close to the ground. It’s funny when you think about it.
Q: Will The Rock look like a frightening old creature when he’s super old and still weirdly muscular?

rear view of man sitting on rock by sea

Seen here, some guy staring at The Rock.

A: Rocks don’t age, they just fade from the wind.
Q: Could Wilbur Ross make a comeback?
A: Wilbur Ross? The jelly guy from the Today Show?* Sure, as long as jelly’s cool, he’ll be cool.

 

*Editor’s note. Wilbur Ross is the U.S. Secretary of Commerce, and looks like a sour grape. Willard Scott is the jelly guy, and he should consider making Secretary Ross into jelly (though it would likely taste gross).

 

Q: What do you think about Rachel Ray?
A: The amount of disrespect I have for that woman could fill a book. Well, a novella. Or a pamphlet. How tangential am I allowed to get?

 

P.S. In the beginning of this I mentioned I was joined by a simpleton. Bonus news flash, I’M the simpleton! It’s just me here! No one is around me! Happy holidays.

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Superman Socks

Recently I bought a 2-pack of socks which feature the Superman logo on them. I was excited because they were clearance socks, and Superman. A double win, clearly.

When I got home I noticed that the socks each said something. One pair says ‘Strong’ and the other pair says ‘Stronger.’

This was a lot to take in.

What does this mean? Are all of my days relative to one another? Are my only options Strong or Stronger? Did Superman not have days where, sure, it’s sunny outside, but hey man, it’s a rainy day on the inside. I bet he did. Where is my Superman logo socks that say ‘Melancholy’ and ‘Melancholy-er’ (for those extra melancholy days).

Should I mix and match the socks? Forever demoting my left foot to just be Strong? (Let’s face it left, you are the weaker foot).

IMG_20181120_181100608Maybe I should only plan on wearing one pair of socks but bringing the other pair with me. That way if the day starts off and I’m feeling great I’ll leave wearing ‘Stronger’ but then I’ve had lunch, slowed down, and now I am feeling a mere ‘Strong’ ranking so I change. Then when I get home my wife will know, ‘oh no, he’s self-demoted.’

What would other super hero socks say? For Batman it could be ‘Conniving’ and ‘Connivingest.’ The Flash ought to be something like ‘Fast’ and ‘Sassy’ just to keep you guessing. I’d wear those in a heartbeat.

Target should’ve warned me about this purchase.

Hey man, just a heads up, those socks are going to raise a lot more questions than they’re going to provide answers.

I’ve got to go, a guy just walked by me wearing Superman socks that say ‘Strongest’ and as I’m wearing ‘Stronger’ today I’m pretty sure we need to fight to the death. Let’s go Bizarro. (Or am I the Bizarro?!)

Wish me luck.

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The Look He Craved

Joe was a practical man. When there was a potential problem he took practical steps to mitigate that problem. In 1999, when Y2K talk was rampant Joe bought a large number of foodstuffs to store away as a precautionary measure.

Now, in 2018, some of the foods were just a year away from hitting their expiration time.

Joe, practical as ever, decided to make a meal out of some of those to-be-expired foods and the meal almost made him want to commit acts of horrible unpleasantness. The food had not held up very well.

But, Joe thought, I can’t just let this food go to waste. That would be … wasteful. (Practical even in his word choices.)

Joe had been working for 32 years and approached work from a … you guessed it … practical perspective. Yes, some of his co-workers occasionally made him want to commit acts of horrible unpleasantness but you just grit your teeth and go on.

Perhaps, maybe, on occasion, Joe did little things to get back at his loathsome coworkers to level out his emotional state. Nothing extreme, just enough to balance the scorecard. For example, Joan prints every email she gets even though that’s dumb. Joe, Mr. Practical, got Joan fired by sabotaging the data she reported on to make her appear inept.

Ahhh. Wait. Joe. You did what?

Looking at this large stockpile of to-be-expired foods Joe crafted a plan.

No, seriously. You got her fired? That’s …

Joe began to make delicious looking dishes using this food and would bring them to the office on occasion. Never frequently, because people might start to leearn to avoid the snacks left out in the breakroom.

Joe. Dude.

But piece by piece, can by can, Joe got rid of his Y2K supply. And oh, that sweet reward. That look of bitter betrayel as someone would bite into what appeared to be a delicious snack …

Joe, seriously. I don’t want to be your narrator anymore. You’re not right, man.

Joe, ever practical, had already set his sights on what would come next for him. He knew he needed to continue to dish up revenge for those he felt did not live by a good set of rules. He was running to be HOA president. Joe knew he could continue to get that look of betrayel, acting as a dedicated member of the HOA.

Fin.

Guess who recently had a piece of very old Halloween candy when someone brought in a bag of leftovers? And guess who recently was annoyed by their HOA?

Your Friendly Neighborhood Blogger,
DumbFunnery

marketing man person communication

Some can of mystery meat making this man go insane, no doubt. Photo by Gratisography on Pexels.com

 

 

 

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