The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘halloween’

The Look He Craved

Joe was a practical man. When there was a potential problem he took practical steps to mitigate that problem. In 1999, when Y2K talk was rampant Joe bought a large number of foodstuffs to store away as a precautionary measure.

Now, in 2018, some of the foods were just a year away from hitting their expiration time.

Joe, practical as ever, decided to make a meal out of some of those to-be-expired foods and the meal almost made him want to commit acts of horrible unpleasantness. The food had not held up very well.

But, Joe thought, I can’t just let this food go to waste. That would be … wasteful. (Practical even in his word choices.)

Joe had been working for 32 years and approached work from a … you guessed it … practical perspective. Yes, some of his co-workers occasionally made him want to commit acts of horrible unpleasantness but you just grit your teeth and go on.

Perhaps, maybe, on occasion, Joe did little things to get back at his loathsome coworkers to level out his emotional state. Nothing extreme, just enough to balance the scorecard. For example, Joan prints every email she gets even though that’s dumb. Joe, Mr. Practical, got Joan fired by sabotaging the data she reported on to make her appear inept.

Ahhh. Wait. Joe. You did what?

Looking at this large stockpile of to-be-expired foods Joe crafted a plan.

No, seriously. You got her fired? That’s …

Joe began to make delicious looking dishes using this food and would bring them to the office on occasion. Never frequently, because people might start to leearn to avoid the snacks left out in the breakroom.

Joe. Dude.

But piece by piece, can by can, Joe got rid of his Y2K supply. And oh, that sweet reward. That look of bitter betrayel as someone would bite into what appeared to be a delicious snack …

Joe, seriously. I don’t want to be your narrator anymore. You’re not right, man.

Joe, ever practical, had already set his sights on what would come next for him. He knew he needed to continue to dish up revenge for those he felt did not live by a good set of rules. He was running to be HOA president. Joe knew he could continue to get that look of betrayel, acting as a dedicated member of the HOA.


Guess who recently had a piece of very old Halloween candy when someone brought in a bag of leftovers? And guess who recently was annoyed by their HOA?

Your Friendly Neighborhood Blogger,

marketing man person communication

Some can of mystery meat making this man go insane, no doubt. Photo by Gratisography on




October 2018 Haiku

October 1 (Monday)
Wrote blog post for work
Corporate DumbFunnery time!
(i.e. a dull post)

October 2 (Tuesday)
Cream and sugar day
Because work coffee is gross
And sugar helps all

October 3 (Wednesday)
Wife and kid leaving
They’re seeing fam in Houston
What will dad do?! Hmm.

October 4 (Thursday)
Zany no kid night!
Did second kayak hangar
Garage, you look gooooood

October 5 (Friday)
Zany no kid night!
Bought myself an absurd gift
It’s Lego time, friends

October 6 (Saturday)
Worked out and ate out
The solo time has been nice …
But missing wife, son

October 7 (Sunday)
Wife and kid returned!
Son saw me, squawked with joy! Then …
Same joy for some car

October 8 (Monday)
Why politicians?
Because we need life to be
More disappointing

October 9 (Tuesday)
I slept through the night!!
(In a pre-fatherhood world
This wouldn’t be news)

October 10 (Wednesday)
Health screening at work
How am I such a baby
Over a pin prick

October 11 (Thursday)
Slouching, put feet up …
And then fell out of my chair
My team’s quite impressed


October 12 (Friday)
Afternoon with son
Played in the leaves together
Fun fall memories

October 13 (Saturday)
Son’s starting to climb
Fun to watch but oh, the fear
What new trouble’s this

October 14 (Sunday)
Played in snow today!
Got to watch the munchkin crawl
And sink into snow

October 15 (Monday)
Post work walk with fam
Son says ‘gah’ (or ‘cah’?) at cars!
Does he know that word?!

October 16 (Tuesday)
Son’s going down stairs!
He loves it, too. Climbs up stairs …
Just to go down them

October 17 (Wednesday)
Customer problem
Pft, who wrote this code any …
Ah. Shoot. Wait. My bad.

October 18 (Thursday)
I’ve been working out
Now I can make my pecs move
(And hark! I have pecs!)

October 19 (Friday)
Dreamt about some code
It’s been one of those weeks, friends
So glad it’s Friday

October 20 (Saturday)
Pumpkin patch with kid
Goal: beauty fall pics … Instead:
Squinting at sun

October 21 (Sunday)
Peek-a-boo season
Covers one eye while staring
Almost, kid, almost

October 22 (Monday)
Coming back to work
Without a clue what to try
Oh hi, tough problem

October 23 (Tuesday)
Tree in the front yard
Laughs every time a leaf falls
(Raking is futile)

October 24 (Wednesday)
Windy day today
In my yard yelling at leaves
YOU … SHALL … NOT … PASS … please

October 25 (Thursday)
In public restroom
You ever tempted to shout
“Make me proud you guys!!!”

October 26 (Friday)
Mom’s on a fun trip
It’s kiddo and pops this weekend!
First step: matching tats

October 27 (Saturday)
Today’s fun includes …
Swim lessons, Halloween thing
Red Dead after bed

October 28 (Sunday)
Mom comes home today
Fun stretch of dad and son time
Now to just … Sit. Still.

October 29 (Monday)
Another Monday …
But wait, no! Today! I’ll be …!
Eh, maybe next week

October 30 (Tuesday)
Son woke too early
Dad goes swimming, comes back home
Snooze/cuddle with son

October 31 (Wednesday)
My son’s an ewok
An adorable little
Empire crusher

Attn: Ellen (10/31/18)




Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

The Monster Mash.

A ‘graveyard smash’ … What does that even mean!?

Also, Happy Halloween!

Sincerely, OR

Why am I doing this?



It’s Halloween today. (If you weren’t already aware of that, this post is probably fairly meaningless to you.)
Don’t have a costume? Don’t have any minute to spare to pick up whatever is left on the shelves at your closest store with costumes? Don’t worry! Here are five last minute costume ideas that’ll turn heads, make your mamma proud, and raise self-awareness!
  1. Sailor on shore leave
    Dress in jeans, a polo, and a pair of sneakers (for the fellas) … ladies, I don’t know, same thing?
    Tell people you just got off a boat that you’d been on for 10 months, and maybe do an impression of a fog horn, also throw out an ‘aye matey’ or two just because.
    Caution: People may accuse you of just wearing casual Friday work clothes, but that’s an ok thing to be accused of because that’s exactly what you’ll be doing.
  2. Someone’s Dream
    Don’t go to any parties, if people text or call say, “you’ve got to chase ME, man, I don’t just come to you.”
    Likelihood someone gets this? 0.1%
    But if someone does, you should probably marry that person or start phasing that person out of your life.
  3. Donald Trump
    Have a stuffed animal cat? Grab it aggressively, walk around talking about a wall, and say things like, “I’m not racist, but …”
    Con: Way too many people will be doing this.
    Pro: People seem to enjoy obvious comedy.
  4. Old McDonald
    Dress as slovenly and poorly as possible, whatever that means to you and your closet/dresser/corner of your room. Also bring a bottle of liquor, maybe even pour some on yourself to really commit to the costume.
    We all know the song – ‘Old McDonald had a farm …’ Yeah, he HAD a farm.
    Have fun with it: What happened to Old McDonald’s farm? Do you hate the government now? Was it booze? Gambling? Aliens? Tell a new story to every person you meet!
  5. Yourself from one day in the future
    Dress however you want, but tell everyone how amazing your costume was yesterday, and then explain how woeful it is that you are from one day in the future.
    Seriously?: Yeah, I’m out of ideas.
    …: Look, it’s just a few hours til kids arrive with candy, get cracking on that costume!

Afraid you’ll go to a party and not know anyone and just feel out of place? Bring a stuffed animal – have your costume be the weirdo in the corner cuddling with a stuffed animal!

Attn: Ellen (11/4/15)


Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Another Halloween has come and gone, and what have I learned?: Nothing.

But wait!

Christmas movies teach us love conquers all. Valentine’s movies … love conquers all. Halloween movies? Not so much. UNLESS … you think of the monster/killer/bad guy as the hero and his/her/its love of murder as the love story in which case love once again does conquer all! (Mostly.)

Sincerely, OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

Last Minute Halloween Ideas for a Group

It’s Halloween tomorrow, and you know what that means – brilliant last minute ideas from yours truly at, your source for news, weather, celebrity gossip, and fashion advice.

This year I will focus on group costumes.

(You see, I’ve done this in the past as well:

Impressed? Eh, probably not.)


Idea 1

Do you have a twin or friend who looks a lot like you? Then have I got the idea for you! Be a glitch in the Matrix! Dress up the same, and whenever you go someplace, one friend will take turns following about 10 seconds behind the other friend. It’s subtle, it’s genius, and it’ll weed out the nerds because only they will get it.

Idea 2

Are you a really big guy, or a small woman married to a big guy? Also, that small woman should be pregnant. Still with me? Great. Be a turducken! The guy will dress up as a turkey, the woman dresses up as a chicken, and you just tell people your unborn baby is a chicken. And you get to spend the night walking around hugging each other constantly. Talk about quality time!

Idea 3

Are you one guy with a bunch of male friends who have been invited to a party but you just don’t know what to be!? Have no fear, my friends. Dress up as sperm! When you arrive to the party, everyone should immediately rush to the fridge and try to get eggs. I don’t know what you should do after you get the eggs, but something comical would probably be best. Also, for added humor, show up to the party early, like before it even really gets going.

Idea 4

Grab a bunch of pals and be … modern art! Separated from each other, you’ll look like just some person wearing plain clothes with splotches of paint all over yourself. But together!, you’ll look like a group of people who are wearing plain clothes with splotches of paint all over yourselves.

Idea 5

Are you a person? Do you have six friends? That’s wonderful! Now rate them in order. No no, of course they’re all equally close, but say only one of them could live – who would it be? Just kidding. Here’s the idea: dress up as the seven deadly sins! What fun! For an added bonus, call people you meet wenches and frumpelstiltskins and hedonists.

Ok friends, there are some great ideas. Have a wonderful Halloween and tweet pictures of the costumes I helped inspire to me @DumbFunnery and I’ll be sure to favorite it (unless you look weird).

Am I an Alchemist?

How do you turn a pink bunny rabbit … into bronze? You get third place (in your age bracket) at a Halloween-themed run!

Nightmare Run Stretch

I’m so fast even while stretching I’m a blur …

Nightmare Run Action Pose

Some kind of action pose, huh?
The outfit is actually a set of woman’s onesie pajamas from Target. I cut off the little bunny rabbit feet which allowed my legs to actually fit which helped with the run.

Nightmare Run Jumping Rabbit

The weird thing is this is by far my best ever race photo from an event photographer. I should dress as a rabbit for more runs I guess.


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