The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘batman’

Superman Socks

Recently I bought a 2-pack of socks which feature the Superman logo on them. I was excited because they were clearance socks, and Superman. A double win, clearly.

When I got home I noticed that the socks each said something. One pair says ‘Strong’ and the other pair says ‘Stronger.’

This was a lot to take in.

What does this mean? Are all of my days relative to one another? Are my only options Strong or Stronger? Did Superman not have days where, sure, it’s sunny outside, but hey man, it’s a rainy day on the inside. I bet he did. Where is my Superman logo socks that say ‘Melancholy’ and ‘Melancholy-er’ (for those extra melancholy days).

Should I mix and match the socks? Forever demoting my left foot to just be Strong? (Let’s face it left, you are the weaker foot).

IMG_20181120_181100608Maybe I should only plan on wearing one pair of socks but bringing the other pair with me. That way if the day starts off and I’m feeling great I’ll leave wearing ‘Stronger’ but then I’ve had lunch, slowed down, and now I am feeling a mere ‘Strong’ ranking so I change. Then when I get home my wife will know, ‘oh no, he’s self-demoted.’

What would other super hero socks say? For Batman it could be ‘Conniving’ and ‘Connivingest.’ The Flash ought to be something like ‘Fast’ and ‘Sassy’ just to keep you guessing. I’d wear those in a heartbeat.

Target should’ve warned me about this purchase.

Hey man, just a heads up, those socks are going to raise a lot more questions than they’re going to provide answers.

I’ve got to go, a guy just walked by me wearing Superman socks that say ‘Strongest’ and as I’m wearing ‘Stronger’ today I’m pretty sure we need to fight to the death. Let’s go Bizarro. (Or am I the Bizarro?!)

Wish me luck.

Top Three Cat Videos

As we all know the internet is made for those who think cats are adorable. And who can disagree with that? Cats ARE adorable. Check out what Time Magazine (may not necessarily be true) and the Huffington Post* think are the top three cat videos.

 

Bane Cat

 

Crash Test Cats

 

Party Cat

 

*At least that’s my guess.

Questions About the News From Someone Who Pays 5% Attention

So, like, Obama cares … But what does he care about? I don’t get it. And why are people angry about him caring? Does he care about stupid stuff or something? And, uh, hello news people, it’s Obama careS … not Obama care. Grammar much?

Um, ok, I’m really confused. A rod plays baseball? Do they mean the bat? Why don’t they say bat? And what does it mean to say a rod is on performance enhancing drugs? Like the bat has super powers? Is it made out of some super tough wood or something? Seriously, I don’t get it.

Ben Affleck is the new Batman? That’s cool. I’ll totally see that.

We Can’t Keep Meeting Like This, Batman – Weekly Wacko (68)

We Can’t Keep Meeting Like This, Batman

When I was in the fourth/fifth grade I got an awesome gift.

One of those blow-up three or four feet tall punching bags with sand at the bottom. You know the ones. One of the Ninja Turtles messed around with one of them in the second Ninja Turtles movie. Go to about 5:15 in.

My air-filled punching bag had Batman on it! Awesome!

It was Batman, dressed in his costume, standing somewhere (probably on a building), and it was nighttime. And his eyes were these perfectly white rectangular slits.

When you would walk in my room at night the punching-bag looked creepy because you could see the outline of the basic shape, a little bit of the picture on the bag, and Batman’s white slits/eyes.

Not long after I received this gift I was having trouble sleeping. Not just trouble sleeping, but consistent trouble sleeping. I would wake up nearly every night and toss and turn for a while before finally being able to fall back asleep.

I decided to play a prank on myself.

I set the punching bag right beside my bed, with Batman’s face looking towards me. With any luck I would wake up, freak myself out, laugh, then go back to sleep (this is fourth grade boy logic).

It worked perfectly!

I woke up – freaked out and yelped (it is not comforting to wake up with two slits/eyes staring down over you in your bed), then pushed the bag away, having completely forgotten that I had done this to myself. Naturally, the bag goes down, then …

When the bag came back up I didn’t fight but this time backed into, slammed into, rammed into, my wall.

Then, I remembered.

Had anyone else done this prank to me I would’ve been furious.

“I couldn’t sleep at all last night! And you totally creeped me out! And you’re stupid! And blah!”

But I just laughed. And laughed. And wasn’t that funny how perfectly it worked out?

I tried doing this trick to myself a bunch of other times but I never got anywhere close to the results I had that magical night.

I guess it’s like they say, “fool me once Batman watching over me in my sleep, shame on you. Fool me twice? I’m such a weirdo.”

Attn: Ellen (10/6/10)

Front

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

As an FYI, the postcard is from a gift shop in San Antonio, Texas.

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

Who do you think would win in a dance fight between Batman and Superman?

GetBradStanleyPublished

.com

P.S. Batman is not allowed a metronome in his utility belt.

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