The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

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Don’t Mess Up

This week I had a fancy work event which I was very nervous about. Generally at work I never do any public speaking. I will sometimes speak to a group of about 20, if it’s at a meeting for my manager … But that’s a casual atmosphere where I know everyone. And I am not doing any actual presentation.

On Tuesday morning I had to introduce my boss’s boss’s boss (I think it sounds more fun to say it that way than with titles). I was pretty nervous about this. I practiced the very brief (30 seconds or so) introduction to the point of memorizing the speech.

There are a few ways that seemed like ways I could mess up introducing Miss Boss’s Boss’s Boss:

  • In the middle of the introduction, revert to what I would often do while practicing, which was to say “blaaaaaaah!! I don’t wanna DO THISSSSSS!!!”
  • Accidentally imply she’s a cyborg
  • Wonder aloud how the audience thinks I’m doing
  • Picture the audience in their underwear (I’m not saying there weren’t good looking people there, but overall that would be a bad move for my vision)
  • Set an oscillating fan beside me, and mimic the fan’s behavior while speaking (you know, look to the left part of the room for a few seconds, gradually shift my gaze and look in the middle a few seconds, you get the gist) … Then at the conclusion of my introduction I would say, “Yes, it’s clear (so and so) is an impressive woman. I guess you could say I’m her biggest … fan.”

Thankfully I didn’t do any of those things. My boss’s boss told me I looked far too serious (which makes sense, I was nervous). I plan to ask him how I did overall … I have a feeling that’ll lead to a lot more jokes, but it’ll be good.

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Basketball Player Restaurants

All right basketball players, listen up. You have well-known names, and some of you have names that make me giggle (I am juvenile). You’re rich, that’s cool. You’re probably also really kind-hearted and want to help make me rich.

Glad we’re on the same page on that making me rich front.

Now – what will we do about it? How about you front the money, you provide your name, and I’ll bring a little creative genius. Here’s just one small sampling:

  • Steve GNashables – It’s a tapas place, with a red decor, kind of a hell-themed restaurant, Canadian assist-masters have their dark sides you know.
  • Yow!, Yao! – A Cajun/Asian fusion restaurant for the Bayou City, it’s Casian food!
  • Kobe Bryant’s House of Yum Yums – It sounds creepy, because it is. It’s a an ice cream bar where Bridgett Jones Diary is always playing on big screen TVs. Kobe, I know it’s weird, but give it a whirl, eh?
  • Shaquille O’Veal – Guess what the specialty is … With a first name like Shaquille, it’s not like people won’t know who the owner is.
  • Kung Pau Gasol – An Asian-themed tapas place. Come on Kung Pau, you were MADE for this!

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Asteroids, Check Yourselves

From Jack Handey, an old “Deep Thoughts,”

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

Now, from the 2014 NASA Budget (bolded text done by me),

This budget enables significant progress toward the ambitious exploration objective that President Obama laid out in 2010: Send humans to an asteroid in 2025 and to Mars in the 2030s. Using critical national capabilities advanced by the Administration, such as game-changing technologies, detection of potentially hazardous asteroids, and the Space Launch System and Orion vehicles for human exploration beyond low Earth orbit, NASA will begin work on a first-of-its-kind asteroid retrieval mission.

This mission to identify, capture, redirect, and sample a small asteroid would mark an unprecedented technological feat that will raise the bar of what humans can do in space.

Maybe an asteroid said something mean about Obama’s mom, I’m not sure. But we’re out to get you, asteroids, so WATCH YOURSELVES.

P.S. I’m just kidding, but that is some pretty nuts technology, huh? Here’s a little 11 page PDF about the satellite thing if you feel like being a geek.

Obama Asteroid NASA

This asteroid needs an … attitude adjustment! (Get it? Because attitude can also mean … eh whatever.)

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