The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Du Jour of the Week’ Category

Cloning, and Al Roker

You know what would be the first thing I would do if I had a machine that allowed me to clone people? I would clone Al Roker, and I would try to manipulate the clone a little bit (think Brave New World, or genetic cookbook that allows recipe alteration). Here’s what I would end up with: a gang of Al Rokers!

But why, why you ask! I’ll tell you why. Allow me to introduce you to …

  • Al Smoker

Al Smoker is just like Al Roker, but he is cool. Or maybe has bad acne. Or can’t run so much due to the smoking. You know who makes Al Smoker look good though?

  • Al Toker

He has no idea what’s going on, but he’s pretty happy about it. How does Al Toker support his bad habits given he works eight hours a week at a McDonald’s?

  • Al Broker

What’s that? You think I forgot about today’s blog post til this morning when I was watching the Today show and this was the best I could come up with? Well … I wish Al JOKER was here, because he’d know exactly what to say in response.

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Realization – Womenfolk and Menfolk

I decided on something tonight. It’s based on a stereotype, which may also be true. The stereotype (or scientific fact, if you go for this article) is that women talk more than men.

Although, based on my blogging, and enjoyment of telling stories, I give the stereotypical woman a run for her money.

Anyhow – here’s my comparison.

When these stereotypical women tell stories, it’s like the first chapter of a book. They introduce characters, and give the setting and background information. You don’t just hear about Susie, you hear about Susie, who grew up in South Carolina and likes to wear scarves.

When stereotypical men tell stories, the characters have already been established. It’s Patrick, and he was out getting drunk one night when … It’s not Patrick, from Oregon, who grew up and things were tough because his parents got divorced and seemed to use him as a pawn in some sick battle.

There you go. My little joke to go with the stereotype.

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The Pirate Queen

What? – Where? – When? – This can’t be good
Why am I floating in the ocean on this driftwood?
Oh right, the pirate attack that could not be withstood …
Optimism at this point would be foolish, feeble, and a falsehood

But wait, I open my eyes and … could this be, utter delight?
A woman is at the edge of the boat and, this can’t be right!
A lovely hand at the end of a slender arm at the end of a beautiful body alight
“I’m the pirate queen, and, I’ll be honest, this is not your lucky night.”

Well, my hopes quickly left when I got a handle on the affair
I was brought aboard the boat and tied to a less than comfortable chair
Coming to terms with my near death is not easy to bear
So, I will distract myself with mindless chatter during this … terrible affair.

“How did you get to be the pirate queen?”
“By being rude, cruel and mercilessly mean.”
“You certainly don’t seem so mean.”
“Oh trust me, I’m meaner than I seem.”

“But just tell me, one thing, one little example.”
“You see that ash tray on the table?”
“So you smoke? For a pirate, that’s pretty dull.”
“That’s the former captain’s emptied skull.”
“…Ah, perhaps I should be taken down to rest in the hull”

Try as a I might
I knew I wasn’t getting out of this plight
But while might may make right
I wouldn’t give up without a continued mental fight

“There must be SOMETHING that can get me out of this pickle!”
“As you might have gleamed, us pirates can be quite fickle.”
“Please, my life is not yet one half of one tenth full!”
“Ok, ok, I have a deal my little talkative handful,

“You can ask me three questions, and if you surprise me, I won’t kill you.”
“That’s a very generous and weird offer, and for that I thank you.”
“Questions, my dear, flattery won’t due.”
“As your captive audience, trust me, flattery I will easily eschew:

“Living on a boat, is your biggest fear somnambulism?”
“Actually, it’s a tie between mutiny and cannibalism.”
“Two questions to go … I still have some optimism.”
“Are you the type to confuse optimism with masochism?

“Give me your next two questions, quit killing time and preparing.”
“If you were a tree, what color underwear do you think I’m wearing?”
“That’s clever – what word means the opposite of alluring?”
If I can’t be clever … I guess I’ll be honest, with a hint of daring

“Is it just me, or is this chair suddenly wet?”
“You … That … Touche, I’ll let you live without regret,
“I’ve captured, and killed, too many to count – that’s the best yet.
“I’ll stay true to my word, I’ll honor my bet …”

…Yes, the pirate queen is rude, cruel and mercilessly mean
But she let me free, FREE!, she’s not some killing machine!
One day, perhaps, she and I will reconvene …
But first, I have to climb out of this deep, deep ravine

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