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De Jour of the Week (9/20/10)

Let’s say you have a problem with compliments. Not that you hate them (“what did you just say to me?? You think I’m attractive?! Oh HELL NO!”), and not that you don’t get enough of them (I heard every time Peyton Manning comes to the sideline he totally baits the hook – “that pass was only 99% accurate … ideally it would’ve been 3 centimeters to the left of its actual location.”)

No, the problem I’m speaking of, is that you don’t give enough compliments*.

*Having been told I am one of these people, on more than one occasion, I can tell you that this problem is, 100%, absolutely, undoubtedly your mom’s fault.

Moving on.

Here’s a little trick to help you, and me, out. Where can you go to find a ready-list of compliments? You could watch sappy movies, you could eavesdrop on romantic teenagers (“your braces are totally hot”) – OR … Check movie boxes.

“Lushly romantic and subtly sexy!”

Of course, you may have to change some of these. Try adding “you are” to the start of some,

“[You are] lavish and entertaining!”

Check out this very flattering, totally natural conversation I will have memorized to woo anyone, any time.

Me: “Hey! How’s it going?”

Other person: “Pretty good, thanks. How are you?”

Me: “Great! You know, you’re funny and dazzling and you have tons of family appeal!”

Other person: “Thanks?”

Me: “You know what I love? Battles of the sexes. And you’re just like a fabulously fresh and totally entertaining battle of the sexes!”

Other person: “That seems like it could be an insult?”

Me: “Two thumbs up!”

Other person: “Why are you talking like this?”

Me (lean in close): “You’re eternally funny … but subtly touching …”

Other person: “I’ve got to go.”

Me (whispering creepily as the person walks away): “You’re just like a historical thriller full of suspense, intrigue and adventure!”

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De Jour of the Week (9/14/10)

I wrote this in my graphical user interface class in college. What a good student I am. Anyhow, now that I’m back at school hopefully I won’t be slacking off and writing nonsense like this …

Oh, and this is written from the perspective of my stomach. This was from a joke gone wrong. I said my stomach’s name is Seymour, then yelled, “FEEEEED ME SEYMOUR!” Then realized my mistake. Oh well, Seymour it is.

Also dig the reference to Keystone Light. YES!

Seymour (My Stomach’s Name)

“No one pays attention to me!”
I say loudly with a scowl,
Trust me on the volume of my growl.
It’s not my choice, I didn’t want this to be!

I’d much rather be a calf, an elbow or toes.
I didn’t make this decision, it’s just how it goes.

I’m embarrassed, don’t look, I’m going to flee!
Just get me a sandwich, a cracker, a crumb!
You know that I know you’re not really that dumb.
“I’ll show you!”, I say, forcefully.

Don’t pat me, you fool, I can never be soothed!
I’m telling you! Begging you! Give me some food!

At last! My wish is heard! I know nothing but glee!
We’re here at the fridge, what’s in it, I wonder?
Dos Equis? Michelob? Keysone? What blunder!
Ah ha, at the top! What’s that I see?

Moon pies, cereal and jalapeno bread?
I’m in Heaven, it’s true. I can be fed!

“Someone has finally paid attention to me!”
That’s what that growl meant, a kind thank you,
Now we can sit, relax, and maybe nap too.
“Oh, wait, uh oh” I realize terribly,

I wasn’t even hungry, I feel so childish…
Say! What’s in that covered dish?

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De Jour of the Week (8/30/10)

Super Elite First Tier Gold Status Contributor

I graduated college, and what’s this!, I found a job!
This was great, for I couldn’t be considered a slob.
Yes sir, I’m gainfully employed and corporate now
Look at my nice shoes and ziplocked lunchtime chow.

I’m all set, I’ve got a handle on this adult ‘stuff’
Then in the mail, my school tells me I’m not up to snuff?
“Congratulations, Dear Graduate, you’re quite the lad,
And gainfully employed to boot? We’re all so glad,”

I smiled to myself and thought ‘isn’t this nice,’
While I paused and looked around my cubicle/office,

“Now that you’ve graduated – you should know,”
The letter continued, get ready, here we go,
“For only X dollars a month you’ll have gold status
“And a kindly-worded thank-you note from some professor emeritus.”

‘Well, ok,’ I thought to myself after some time,
‘X dollars a month, I suppose I make good enough dime.’

Some time passed and I got my lovely note
That professor sure knows how to copy-and-paste dote.

“Dear gold status contributor,” a new letter came,
Would you believe I was happy at first (was I insane?),
“You know, you’re great, we love you, you’re perfect, here’s the thing,
“It’s only X dollars a month more for First Tier, so come on and ch-ching!!”

‘Well, since I can give, I’ll give’ my kinder side gently voiced
I thought of scholarships and grants for kids and tears made my eyes moist,

“Dear, dear, lovely, kind, passionate, giving, angelic sir,”
The next letter seemed not just desperate, but desperater
“You’re so close to the next status level … Elite!
“So get the lead out, and to the bank with fleet feet!”

The letter informed me of a potential thanks from so-and-so
And, though I hadn’t heard of him, it seemed too good to say no.

Reader, I’ll tell you, I went wrong somewhere along the line
I’m not saying don’t give money, that’s all fine,
Just be careful when you donate money or help a little bit
A letter here, an email there, a friendly call – they’ll do anything for a hit.

While you may be smart, with an over-flowing brain that’s celebrated
I’ll tell you, if you’re not being manipulated, you’re being re-manipulated.
So listen closely when I tell you this last fact, and don’t listen with callous –
For only x dollars a month you can buy off me my Super Elite First Tier gold status.