DumbFunnery

I was doing some errands when I saw a pack of Bazooka Joe bubble gum. Bazooka Joe! I thought back and the last time I remembered buying that was as a little kid. Five cents for a piece of the gum. I have no memory of how much other bubble gum cost, it may be that five cents wasn’t even that good a deal but it felt like it.

An impulse buy of only a quarter got you five slices of potential greatness.

Sayah kids, who wants to trade depth perception for some gum! (You know, the eye patch reduces depth perception … and Bazooka Joe, in my imagination, was saving up money for an operation.)

The taste? Eh. The comic? Generally eh. And yet, I couldn’t resist it!

Now, for old time’s sake – let’s give a fresh look at Bazooka Joe gum, and (there better still be comics or this will be a big disappointment) the comic that accompanies the gum!

Bazooka Joe Review

Based on the font, you already know you’re in for a good time. It’s both zany and to the point.

Wait a minute, glancing at the Bazooka Joe nutrition facts for the first time (possibly ever in the history of the gum) reveals a startling bonus – I’m about to get 1% of my daily required total carbs from this?! And surprisingly only 3 grams of sugar per piece (from memory, it sure seemed like a lot more than that).

(For example, one Caramel deLite cookie, formerly samoas, has 6 grams of sugar. Oh wait, I guess that means 3 grams of sugar for a piece of gum is a lot. Moving on!)

I open a piece of the gum and set aside the comic/wrapper.

(Can that really be said so casually! It’s a COMIC that is wrapping paper! Why isn’t that standard practice for all things? Imagine how much healthier I’d be if bananas had cool drawings on them. Chaquita Banana’s misadventures are predictable and leave too much up to the imagination. She just seems to be standing there, happily, and you have to come up with the rest of the comic panels on your own. And the other panels can’t be that crazy because whatever she’s up to can’t involve movement since she somehow manages to keep that crazy, non-user-friendly hat on her head. That’s it for my side-rant.)

I am Chaquita Banana and I’m unable to move! … Please someone take this hat off my head it is far too heavy for my scrawny arms.

Now, with delight and wonder filling my eyes, I pop the gum into my mouth and I am greeted with an immediate feeling of a tired jaw. A slightly fruity taste, with a gritty texture greets me. I wonder if the three grams of sugar are worth all of this effort. I could’ve eaten a caramel delite by now, and it would’ve tasted way better. After about thirty seconds the gum gets better, I think the sugar is finally flowing and things are looking up. About thirty seconds after that I’m bored and reaching for the comic. Don’t let me down Bazooka Joe!

The “flavor” (there’s a taste, I don’t know if I’d go so far as to call it a flavor) is still around but the desire to have this gum has faded.

And yet … I want to read another comic! What zany misadventures will Bazooka Joe get himself involved in! What … am I going to do with all these other sticks of gum?

• Taste: 2 stars
• Packaging: 4 stars (It’s not a good comic, but there’s a comic so they get top marks for effort.)
• Cost: 2 stars
• Overall: 3 stars (It’s like an annoying friend, you forget why it’s no good so you come back … Oh, I’ll be back Bazooka Joe, but I won’t like it.)

Funny Last Note: Apparently Bazooka Joe pulled the comic and now includes brain teasers. This started back in December of 2012 or January of this year. So … overall rating goes down to a 2.5 at best. Bad move, Bazooka Joe! Also, how old was this gum I just chewed? Gross.