The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

An Award!

Whoo!

Abolg, of abolg.wordpress.com fame, nominated me for this award! Sweet! Thank you Ms. W.R. Woolf!

According to the rules of the award (I tried to look up who started this and it might be here?) I am now supposed to say ten random facts about myself and nominate ten other blogs to receive this award. Without further ado …

The Facts

1. In October of this year, I will have been blogging for four years. That’s a lot of nonsense.

2. I like going to themetapicture.com because it has dumb pictures which are sometimes funny.

3. Lately I have gotten back on a kick of playing Battlefield 3 (I wrote about this before too).

4. Calvin and Hobbes is one of my favorite things in the world.

5. My last semester of college I broke the wrist of the hand I write with. This was upsetting for a lot of reasons – but two big ones were it made it tough to write and I couldn’t play video games. I spent a lot more time reading and napping. Which leads me to the reason for this “fact,” my frequent naps led to my roommate saying, “if you were a sleep machine you would be highly efficient.”

6. I am very afraid of people (including myself) touching my eyes.

7. I think it would be cool to be a spy, but I would be terrible at it.

8. The last two facts remind me of this post (self-promotion much? Sure, why not).

9. I am a big ice cream fan. I may go buy some after I write this.

10. One of my friends has my name in his phone as, “tall guy from work.”

The Blogs

1. http://www.thenonreview.com/ (Probably the first blog I started to read regularly)

2. http://corruptcamel.com/ (He’s off pursuing an education or some such nonsense so he posts less frequently, but good stuff)

3. http://moolta.wordpress.com (They raise money by letting people do weird challenges! What fun, eh?)

4. http://lehmannlaughter.blogspot.com/ (She’s a goofball, and she writes about it)

5. http://patricktillett.blogspot.com/ (Beautiful pictures and some very good stories)

6. http://lesleycarter.wordpress.com/ (Running around the globe and posting stories and pictures to make me jealous.)

7. http://smn0409.blogspot.com (The girl who created the award in the first place!)

8. http://beccaugh.tumblr.com/ (She’s doing something new once a week and blogging about it. And she’s entertaining while doing so, which is cool. Also I actually know her in real life.)

9. http://ashleyjillian.com/ (She’s funny … like a fox?)

10. http://nedhickson.wordpress.com/ (I’m awful about visiting blogs so I looked around for a while and found a new one to visit regularly! Meet Ned.)

Attn: Ellen (4/3/13)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I realized something ugly about myself today – I have become the guy who invites himself over. Only instead of it being 3rd grade and you have the best video games, I’m 28 and I want to meet you (and maybe a literary agent via your kindness). But don’t worry! I can fix this! I’ll have my mom call your mom and you’ll unknowingly be having me over because your mom is nice and feels bad for me.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

Entering the gym locker room and oh Lord, here we go,
An older gentleman, naked, who I unfortunately now “know”

Old guys in locker rooms, what’s the deal?
With aging muscles showing the strength of veal

While your confidence could be considered wonderful
It doesn’t go well with your breasts, which are plentiful

There seems to be a natural correlation
The less appealing, the longer you take to change without hint of humiliation

There is always the same set of three –
I call them the croissant club, because they’re doughy and pasty

What’s your purpose? What cause do you serve?
What evil have I done to make this what I deserve?

I set down my clothes and begin to change quickly
When a naked man carrying his towel sits next to me

Why, naked man, don’t you wear your towel?
Why can’t you notice my gag-reflex-slash-scowl?

Maybe it’s my WASP upbringing and I’m a prude
But your hairy body is making me come unglued

Taking care not to have my bare feet touch the floor
I keep my head straight and stare at my locker door

Finished, I make for the exit as quick as can be
Head bowed as though I’m praying dutifully

And again, I feel anger and sadness flow
As a naked man cuts me off … going … so … slow

Finally! I’m out the door and ready to work out!
…The images of the locker room croissant club hang about

In a flash (no pun intended), their anti-underwear-wearing purpose is clear
They’re here to motivate, to inspire, to frighten, all to get you in gear

So come on, inspirers and inspirees, let’s all head to the gym!
But I’m going to change at home so I won’t have to see any of them