The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘awkward silence’

Best Photo Album Ever?

The following photos were taken by me around age 5. Looking at these pictures it makes sense that I spend the majority of my day working with a computer, and not with people.

I hope you enjoy them.

AMAZING. I miss Storm Shadow, Snake Eyes … and the guy in blue.

 

 

 

The cat was rightfully impressed with the epic battle.

 

 

Perhaps a police lineup?

 

 

Some sort of stuffed animal family reunion.

 

 

The Cover of the Photo Album (the red stain is … I don’t know what?)

Weekly Wacko (56)

Make Someone Feel Uncomfortable Day 2010

Thanks to my friend Theresa for sharing this link with me about Make Someone Feel Uncomfortable Day 2010. I’m touched that I am associated with creating awkward situations.

Story One: Making Others Uncomfortable

The summer between my 8th and 9th grade years my dad’s side of the family had a HUGE family reunion. A massive amount of Stanleys.

We did all kinds of things but one night we all gathered and sat in this big barn-type room (we were at some very nature-y place in Colorado for the reunion). Everyone was there (minus probably a few old people who had already gone to sleep). We did a few things, and then it came time for …

Family Facts!

Every person in the room would take a turn standing up and telling a little known fact about ‘us Stanleys.’ (If my memory serves correctly – my memory verifier here, aka my mom, was not available.) This whole process was not delightful for me whatsoever. Public speaking. Public speaking at an event where other people were telling jokes and getting laughs. Oh, I had to get a laugh! I just had to!

I remember two facts given. Mine. And my mom’s. My mom’s was funny. Mine …

“A little known fact about [last name] … is that they’re like cockroaches … even if you cut off their head they keep living, and talking …, for weeks.” [Again – I’m not sure exactly about my mom’s joke but I know I was a big fan.] But, if you’re curious – that is a fact about roaches.

Mine: “A little known” (odd licking motion) “fact about us” (again odd licking motion) “is that we’re part snake.”

Yuck. Blech. Gross. My joke TANKED. I would guess that most people just thought I was a weirdo who licked my face a lot, and the confidence-shattering silence across the room probably made me mumble the ‘punch line.’

There you go – I stood up and called my family a bunch of snakes while licking my face excessively. Congratulations to me.

Story Two: Being Uncomfortable because of Someone Else

One time during college the girl I was dating found out that I didn’t really like the word ‘panties.’  [Another friend of mine found the word ‘supple’ to be very uncomfortable, so of course when I found that out everything was described as being ‘supple’ in varying degrees.]

The then-girlfriend found out about the word panties right before we got to the grocery store. My new nickname for that hour was, of course, panties.

“Do you need milk, panties?”
“Hey that cereal is on sale – don’t you like that stuff … panties?”
“Hey panties I’m in this lane checking out! … Panties! … Panties in lane 7. Yes, you, panties!”

The End

There you have it – two uncomfortable situations. They’re both simple enough, harmless to everyone but me (and those hit by my awkward shock-waves). Have a great Make Someone Uncomfortable Day 2010, and a good weekend!

Kill the Scouts

Whenever I see an ant or maybe two walking around in my apartment I think, These are the scouts! They’re going to head back to the home base and tell them, “come quick! Homeboy’s got chocolate covered raisins!” At this point I decide to kill them. Sometimes though I kill just one and toy with the other for a while.

The next night another two ants will be back. Again, I think to myself.

What do I have to do to these guys! Didn’t I squish that other ant angrily enough? Don’t they get the message!

What I hadn’t considered was that maybe these ants came on purpose.

Night After I Killed the First Ant

Survivor Ant: I’m back! Everybody I’m back.
Rest of Ant Community: Hey that’s great, now get to work.
Survivor: No! Listen, I’ve got to warn you –
Jerk Ant: Shut up. Get to work you dumb, lazy yokel.
Survivor: But I’ve got to warn –
Jerk Ant: (mimicking) I’ve got to warn. (normal voice) Wah wah wah. No one cares.
Survivor: Dude. Shhh. Come here. I just ate so much sugar I lifted 52 times my own weight.
Jerk Ant: (unsure) Yeah … whatever …
Survivor: Listen. You’ve always been a jerk to me and I … I don’t know I just had kinda hoped that I could get you to like me if I took you to the magical land of sugar.
Jerk Ant: Pssht. Magical land of sugar. You’re so lame.
Survivor: Yeah. But I know where there’s lots of sugar.
Jerk Ant: … Yeah ok. Take me there. Tomorrow night I’ll ask to be a scout like you.

Unfortunately, I don’t know how to tell the difference between a jerk ant, and a regular ant. That’s why, when the scout ants come back for a second night I just kill them both.

 

🙂 The End 🙂