The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘college’

Weekly Wacko (61)

Sink Technology Innovations

My dorm room my freshman year of college had a sink and mirror in it. This was nice because my roommate and I could brush our teeth and shave in the room if we wanted (any time spent not wearing shower shoes is time well spent).

One day I decided I looked scruffy enough and decided to shave.

I got out my shaving stuff, put on some shaving cream, turned on the hot water and started. After one stroke with the blade I ‘cleaned’ it. I did this again. And again.

Without realizing it, I was tapping the blade on the stopper in the sink.

I realized that soon enough when water starting filling up.

Uh oh.

I had completely closed the stopper (one of those metal ones that push up or down, simple enough).

I tried to get my fingers between the stopper and the metal around it to pry it up. No dice. I got out a penny – not thin enough. Eventually I dug out my Swiss Army knife (I really have no idea why I thought I would need this, but it turns out I did use it. Once. Definitely worth it.). I was able to get the blade in to pry open the stopper.

That’s when I noticed, between the cold and hot water taps was the metal part that you simply push or pull to open or close the stopper.

It’s not that I had never used a sink like this before, it’s just that I’m a moron.

And if you need further proof – I did the SAME EXACT THING about a month later.

(The second time I did that I told my English class about it and my professor told me that’s not the sort of thing I should tell people. I told her, in my head, ‘yeah? well you’re ugly.’)

Category:

Weekly Wacko

Tagged with:

Weekly Wacko (14)

I’m a Dummy

If you’re a girl I know, you’re probably better off if I don’t find you attractive. My freshman year I was, at the very least, six kinds of googly eyed for a close female friend.

One day we were walking back to our dorm after lunch. A pretty commonplace thing. We reached the door and she put her hand on the door handle, waiting for me to scan my ID to unlock the door.

Suddenly – a thought came to me. This is the same exact thing that happens with me and my dog. My dog will go to the door and stare at it, and then if I don’t open the door soon enough she’ll look over at me. At that point I would always move my hand like I was about to open the door – seeing this my dog would again look straight at the door, waiting for it to open. Eventually she’d look slowly in my direction, giving me a look that said, ‘you are such a child.’

I wondered if my friend would do the same – would she keep her hand on the door, staring at it, waiting for me to unlock it?

She did. Eventually she looked slowly toward me, I couldn’t help but laugh.

“What?,” she said, wondering what was so funny.

Why do I lie when I don’t need to, and tell the truth when I really don’t need to?

I answered, with a heartfelt smile, “you remind me of my dog.”

Category:

Weekly Wacko

Tagged with:

The Obligatory Airing-of-Emotions-Post-Break-Up Letter

Dear College,

How have you been? I know we haven’t talked since things ended between us, but I just wanted to write and see what you’ve been up to. I heard from a friend the other day that you’ve moved on, that you’ve got someone now? That’s great. I’m really happy for you! I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’ve got someone new, too.

Her name is Work.

She’s wonderful!

You know how you and I would get in little fights, randomly, all the time? Well, Work and I don’t have that problem. She’s really steady and I know, sure, she may stress me out sometimes, but she knows how to back off and give me alone time. With you … Well I just didn’t know when to expect problems with you.

But I didn’t write to complain. I’m sorry about that! I just wanted to talk. Speaking of talking, Work is great at talking. Sometimes you and I would get into these ridiculous, lofty conversations about total nonsense and I enjoyed them at the time but I also knew they were just … Anyway, Work’s not that way. She’s very practical.

And my parents love her! Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. I know it might be a sore spot with you, because my parents never really approved of how long you and I dated.

I remember when I first told my Dad about you he said, “Son, that’s great, go ahead and sow your wild oats.”

They never appreciated you, College!

God I miss you so much sometimes!

Some days I’ll wake up in the morning and close my eyes and wish we were still together. Remember how that used to be? We’d wake up whenever! Some days we wouldn’t even get out of bed!

But Work isn’t like that … She wakes me up at pretty much the same time every day. And she would never take a nap in the middle of the afternoon like we used to do, College!

I was so crazy to move on!

It was my parents – it’s because of them!

My Dad hated how much money I spent when we were together. But we were just having fun! I think it’s because, when he was my age, he was with this really uptight girl from West Point, New York. He was just jealous!

I can’t believe I felt like I needed to move on to someone more “mature.”

Oh, Work’s more mature all right.

The last guy she was with – you’ll never believe this! – was an old man! She called him, “Boomer!” What a dorky pet name!

Work says she loves my “youth and energy,” but I know there are some days when she’s just thinking that I’m young and stupid, and that I’ll never be able to replace her ex.

Well, Work, you’ll never be able to replace College!

I can’t believe I’m writing this! I feel like I’m cheating on Work!

(I’m at her place right now, can you believe it? She’d be so mad if she found out I was doing this. She’s such a task-master.)

I can’t help but miss you! Remember how sometimes we’d go and get a pizza at three in the morning! Work would never do that with me. I’m lucky if I’m ever up past eleven.

I just don’t know why I’m writing you this letter, College. I knew from the beginning our relationship was a temporary one. It burned hard and fast … It couldn’t last forever (could it?).

I guess I’m just trying to be cathartic.

I’m sorry … I know you always used to complain about how you felt like I was “using you.” You thought I was just biding my time, waiting for something better to come along. Well, if it makes you feel any better, apparently there is some sort of cosmic justice (remember when we talked about that? That one night? We ate chips and sat outside and just talked and talked?). I say this because I have the definite feeling that Work is using me.

Sometimes I’ll tell Work stories about you, and I can tell she gets upset by it. She’ll start talking about her ex, then. “Boomer.” And she’ll tell me how “Boomer” never used to talk about his ex when he was with her! Well if “Boomer’s” so great, why did they break up at all!

Anyway, I hope things are going great with whoever you’re with now. Maybe I did use you, College, so maybe try not to let it happen with this guy? If nothing else – at least get a few good meals out of him! Sorry, that was a crude joke.
I’d better go, Work just yelled at me to go help her with something.

All the best,
Brad

Category:

Short Short Stories

Tagged with: