The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘corporate’

Don’t Mess Up

This week I had a fancy work event which I was very nervous about. Generally at work I never do any public speaking. I will sometimes speak to a group of about 20, if it’s at a meeting for my manager … But that’s a casual atmosphere where I know everyone. And I am not doing any actual presentation.

On Tuesday morning I had to introduce my boss’s boss’s boss (I think it sounds more fun to say it that way than with titles). I was pretty nervous about this. I practiced the very brief (30 seconds or so) introduction to the point of memorizing the speech.

There are a few ways that seemed like ways I could mess up introducing Miss Boss’s Boss’s Boss:

  • In the middle of the introduction, revert to what I would often do while practicing, which was to say “blaaaaaaah!! I don’t wanna DO THISSSSSS!!!”
  • Accidentally imply she’s a cyborg
  • Wonder aloud how the audience thinks I’m doing
  • Picture the audience in their underwear (I’m not saying there weren’t good looking people there, but overall that would be a bad move for my vision)
  • Set an oscillating fan beside me, and mimic the fan’s behavior while speaking (you know, look to the left part of the room for a few seconds, gradually shift my gaze and look in the middle a few seconds, you get the gist) … Then at the conclusion of my introduction I would say, “Yes, it’s clear (so and so) is an impressive woman. I guess you could say I’m her biggest … fan.”

Thankfully I didn’t do any of those things. My boss’s boss told me I looked far too serious (which makes sense, I was nervous). I plan to ask him how I did overall … I have a feeling that’ll lead to a lot more jokes, but it’ll be good.

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Du Jour of the Week

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Self Assessment

Recently I completed writing my “self-assessment” for work. For this I have to give examples of how I met particular goals that I wrote for myself for the year. Some of the goals are really vague and pushed down from … yes it’s cliche, corporate.

Here are some items I wrote that I ended up deciding not to use, because they may not positively impact my performance rating.

1

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Integrity.

2

I am a self-motivated worker, who takes the time to help others to also become more self-motivated. How do I do this? I walk around in their shoes for a mile. Literally. For this reason, my best working relationships are with guys who wear shoes that are my size or bigger.

3

Work is often about trying innovative ideas and seeing what sticks. In the past year, I have tried a number of great ideas that didn’t pan out, but I think they planted seeds that will grow into trees. One example of an idea was to have everyone provide instant feedback in the form of saying, “upvote,” “downvote,” or “mute.” Some great things came out of that, like the very well-written memos talking about a culture of respect.

4

Am I doing well at my job? Yes. Do I ask myself questions just to answer them? Absolutely. Is this what led to my being on a “self-directed team of one”? That can’t be determined. Will I ever get an audience to present what I have been working on? Seriously, will I?

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Du Jour of the Week

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Imaginary Business Chat

(I would recommend reading this while listening to: http://www.forestmood.com/… I listened to that when I wrote this. The site is awesome!)

Sometimes it’s fun to watch two businessmen talk. You could be enjoying a nice lunch by yourself, or be at an airport, or if you’re a corporate slacker – at work.
Here’s what I like to pretend the conversations are like.

Guy 1: Jerry, Jerry is that you?
(Apparently) Jerry: Oh, Bob! Bob, how are ya!?
Bob: Oh great Jerry, just great!
Jerry: How are the wife and kids, Bob?
Bob: Oh, not too good.
Jerry: No! What happened?!
Bob: Eaten by a dragon. The lot of them. Wife and the two kids.
Jerry: No!
Bob: Yep.
Jerry: Isn’t life just the toughest sometimes?
Bob: Oh yeah, real tough. And you know the damnedest thing of it is? It was a vegetarian dragon.
Jerry: NO!
Bob: Yep. A vegetarian dragon up and ate the wife and kids.
Jerry: Well. I never.
Bob: Apparently thought they were carrots or something, I’m not sure – I don’t speak dragon. I’m not on Wall Street.
Jerry: Oh ho ho ho! Ha ha!
Bob: Ha ha! Yes. It feels good to laugh again.
Jerry: Sure does, Bob, sure does.
Bob: Say, how’s your dear wife Helen doing?
Jerry: Ohhh, well, that’s a whole big story.
Bob: Oh you’ve got to tell it now Jerry!
Jerry: Ok I’ll give you the short version, and then you can tell me if you want the long version.
Bob: I’m all ears!
Jerry: She started in on worshiping the devil, and sold our son’s soul for a riding lawn mower.
Bob: NO!
Jerry: Yeah. And it’s a stick-shift mower!
Bob: NO!
Jerry: Who the hell drives stick on a mower? You’ve got bits of twig flying up at your face, the tree roots to look out for – you can’t be shifting gears left and right!
Bob: That damn devil!
Jerry: Yep, yep. So you want the long version?
Bob: Don’t bother, Jerry, if you’ve heard it once you’ve heard it a thousand times.
Bob: Tell me about it.
Jerry: Is that Susan over there?
Bob: I think it is.
Jerry: I heard she takes seventy minute lunches …
Bob: Now that is just disgusting. I’ve seen some things in my life but I just can’t tolerate that.
Jerry: I don’t know how she lives with herself day to day.
Bob: Despicable.
Jerry: Agreed.

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Short Short Stories

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