The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dragon’

Dragon Con Highlights and Lowlights

Last week I attended Dragon Con which was, let me tell you, pretty disappointing. Talk about an all-time misnomer.

Me: Hi, I’m Steve. Why are you dressed as … what are you dressed as anyway?
Girl: I’m sexy Boba Fett.
Me: That’s … weird. Why … Well, whatever. I guess one thing I don’t like about dragons is that if a dragon came to your home and went to the bathroom you could literally drown in urine. Isn’t that awful?
Girl: Um … I’m going to a panel. Bye.

That was just one of the many failed attempts at conversations I had while I was there. Here I was, finally assembled with my peers. People who see dragons as the awful creatures they are, and yet no one would have a serious talk with me about dragon cons.

(Overhearing a group talking about fighting dragons in Skyrim)
Me: Hey! I couldn’t help but notice you guys were talking about dragons and I just wanted to say –
Person in group: I wish I could be a dragon!
Another person: Oh yeah! Imagine flying around, setting fire to stuff with my BREATH!
Apparently clever person in group: You already DO set fire to stuff with your breath. Here, have a mint.

At this point I was excited because it seemed like they were a funny, enjoyable group. Obviously they were being sarcastic because everyone knows you can’t set fire to things for fun, it would hurt the environment in an unnatural way and endanger people’s lives (as I have written about in my list, ‘Top 100 Worst Things About Dragons’). But then, they all started to chime in. I couldn’t help but feel betrayed.

Person in group: Hey … are you ok?
Me: I just … I expected this to be different.
Another person in group: What do you mean? This is awesome! We’re here with a bunch of other people who share our passions, so many people in amazing costumes … This is an awesome convention!
Me: A … convention?
Person in group: Yes …?
Me: Oh. I see.

It turns out I should have done my research. Dragon Con is not dedicated to people who want to talk about why dragons are bad. I almost Googled Dragon Pro to see how big their convention is compared to Dragon Con but I didn’t want to have that awful phrase in my search history … I guess if I had done that I may have avoided this mistake.

After realizing my mistake I ended up having a great time and meeting wonderful people.

Of course, I wasn’t the only one who had tough moments there … Again, my apologies Doug. You really are a wonderful human being.

Me: What are you, a transgendered April O’Neil from the Ninja Turtles?
Doug: No, I’m Doug.

What a Fun Trip!

And then I said “wow what a trip!,” and mom said, “that was a fun trip,” and I thought, “holy cow mom’s on acid!” and she said, “no I’m not on acid I meant the family vacation,” and then she turned into a dragon and ate dad and I thought, “maybe this isn’t a fun trip.”

Uhhh … What?

A guy I work with uses the word “dragon” as a synonym for a problem of any kind.

“Get to work on this and you’ll find some dragons!”
“I bet there’s a whole box of dragons once you get into that.”

I had a meeting with him and he talked about dragons, and I tried to focus while thinking about my upcoming trip – and voila – that piece of weird up top came out.

Did You Know – Excrement Edition

Sometimes if someone is very angry they might yell that something is bull shtuff (that’s edited, dontchya know). Well, Mr. Angry-Yelling-Pants, I bet you didn’t know that you can cite other animals excrement to convey other feelings.

Bull Isht –                      Anger
Old Man Isht –              Confusion
Dragon Isht –                Happiness
Steven Segal Isht –     Bloated
Chicken Isht –              Anger, with a hint of amusement
Dinosaur Isht –            Consternation over taxes
Old Lady Isht –            Desire to hang out with kids, and possibly give them 14 cents
Racist Isht –                  Kill whitey

Do you know of any other telling forms of shtuff? Post them in the comments!

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