The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘small talk’

Experts of Small Talk

As a fan of two teams who are no strangers to getting beat (SMU and Army), I have come to know the time-killing small talk of football commentators quite well.

In a good game, the play-by-play and color commentary people will talk about the plays that are happening, momentum in the game, how the crowd is loving the game, the excitement of the competition, etc.

In a poorly played game that is close, they talk about the poor execution, the coaches, if one of the people commenting on the game used to play football he will talk about times he messed up, how important focus is, etc.

No matter what type of game it is the announcers will tell cheesy little human interest piece stories about players. The difference between a good game and a not good game is the length of these human interest pieces.

Top Five Signs You’re Watching a Blowout

5. Statistics are shown for the sole purpose of highlighting the depths of the inept play of the losing team (SMU’s offense this year for 500, Alex).

4. You learn not just about the players, but also about their siblings and even their pets.

3. The announcers become tourist ambassadors for the town – talking about the zoo or the skyline. Not just mentioning it, but actually talking about it.

2. The announcers end up talking more about athletes from other teams or games than the athletes in the game you are watching.

1. A 30-second commercial for a fast food place seems to have character development, emotional depth, and is more fascinating than the game by far.


This post has been brought to you by the SMU v Texas A&M game on ABC. Source for table below.

SMU Offense (after 2 games)

Scoring offense

6 points

125th in FBS

Rushing offense

-7 YPG

125th in FBS

Passing offense

178.5 YPG

105th in FBS

Total offense

171.5 YPG

125th in FBS

First downs


125th in FBS

Sacks allowed


125th in FBS

Turnover +/-

-3 (5 turnovers, 2 takeaways

125th in FBS

Lies I Readily Tell My Dentist

Dentist: Oh it’s great to see you, how are you!?

Me: (Un-intelligable noise meaning great to see you too!)

Dentist: Boy this weather lately sure is great, huh!

Me: (Frightened noise because someone this peppy holding a sharp metal instrument in my mouth is scary.)

Dentist: You don’t mind if I talk about weird personal problems with the hygienist do you?

Me: (Weird open-mouthed noise indicating … well, actually, I do kind of find this one interesting. They never ask, they just do it.)

Dentist: Oh I love this song! This radio station is great!

Me: (Weird open-mouthed noise indicating oh yeah, I love this easy-listening-please-none-offend-none radio station!)

Check out Lies I Readily Tell to Salespeople

Imaginary Business Chat

(I would recommend reading this while listening to:… I listened to that when I wrote this. The site is awesome!)

Sometimes it’s fun to watch two businessmen talk. You could be enjoying a nice lunch by yourself, or be at an airport, or if you’re a corporate slacker – at work.
Here’s what I like to pretend the conversations are like.

Guy 1: Jerry, Jerry is that you?
(Apparently) Jerry: Oh, Bob! Bob, how are ya!?
Bob: Oh great Jerry, just great!
Jerry: How are the wife and kids, Bob?
Bob: Oh, not too good.
Jerry: No! What happened?!
Bob: Eaten by a dragon. The lot of them. Wife and the two kids.
Jerry: No!
Bob: Yep.
Jerry: Isn’t life just the toughest sometimes?
Bob: Oh yeah, real tough. And you know the damnedest thing of it is? It was a vegetarian dragon.
Jerry: NO!
Bob: Yep. A vegetarian dragon up and ate the wife and kids.
Jerry: Well. I never.
Bob: Apparently thought they were carrots or something, I’m not sure – I don’t speak dragon. I’m not on Wall Street.
Jerry: Oh ho ho ho! Ha ha!
Bob: Ha ha! Yes. It feels good to laugh again.
Jerry: Sure does, Bob, sure does.
Bob: Say, how’s your dear wife Helen doing?
Jerry: Ohhh, well, that’s a whole big story.
Bob: Oh you’ve got to tell it now Jerry!
Jerry: Ok I’ll give you the short version, and then you can tell me if you want the long version.
Bob: I’m all ears!
Jerry: She started in on worshiping the devil, and sold our son’s soul for a riding lawn mower.
Bob: NO!
Jerry: Yeah. And it’s a stick-shift mower!
Bob: NO!
Jerry: Who the hell drives stick on a mower? You’ve got bits of twig flying up at your face, the tree roots to look out for – you can’t be shifting gears left and right!
Bob: That damn devil!
Jerry: Yep, yep. So you want the long version?
Bob: Don’t bother, Jerry, if you’ve heard it once you’ve heard it a thousand times.
Bob: Tell me about it.
Jerry: Is that Susan over there?
Bob: I think it is.
Jerry: I heard she takes seventy minute lunches …
Bob: Now that is just disgusting. I’ve seen some things in my life but I just can’t tolerate that.
Jerry: I don’t know how she lives with herself day to day.
Bob: Despicable.
Jerry: Agreed.

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