The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘boredom’

4 Day Weekend – Ideal v Reality

Charmin Bears Can’t … Bear It

Remember the Charmin commercial? The toilet paper the cartoon bears used?

I know I’m strange, and I latch onto odd things – but this commercial really bothered me. I was going through old notebooks and I found a tiny thing I wrote about this.

Check it out.

Charmin Bears Can’t … Bear It

These bears have bits of toilet paper ALL over their, you know, rear end type “areas” – and I say “area” because they have no parts down there. They’re all Barbie-fied. You know, no Capital City. So these Charmin bears can’t go to the bathroom AND they can’t have sex.

Here’s how I imagine a conversation going between two of these Charmin bears:


“Hey, morning.”

“Morning.”

“So … whaddya wanna do today?”

“I don’t know – DIE! I’ve gotta go to the bathroom SO BAD.”

“Oh no …”

“What?”

“I just realized mating season is coming up …”

“GOD! As though I’m not irritable enough!”

“Did you say irritable?”

“Well, not like … not like THAT …”

“…”

“Where’s that kid bear?”

“Probably out ripping up toilet paper and gluing it to his fur.”

“I swear, if that kid doesn’t have A learning disability he has two.”

Crappy College Poetry – “Reaction”

In college I wrote a number of poems that were dumb funny (hey, I’m consistent in my approach). With a few I actually tried to be sweet, like to woo my then-girlfriend. I know I’m not a good poet, but I enjoy writing these little things. And I found this self-hating one funny. This one is called “Reaction” and it was a poem about my then-girlfriends reaction to all the bad poetry coming her way.

If I had to guess, this poem was probably written to get her to say she did like my poetry.

Reaction

I’m sick, sick, sick of your “poetry”

Great. Another five year old’s rhyme, written for me.

*

Why do boyfriends think they’re unique?

Bad poems by a math guy? You made my week.

*

Do me a favor, please, take your time.

It’s not necessarily good if you make it rhyme.

*

Haven’t you noticed the hints when you read to me?

Big yawns, my staring at the clock, longingly!?

*

It’s not just boredom, it’s even my health

My eyes have rolled so much I’m stuck looking at myself.

*

The first time it was sweet

But now, my dear, notice my exit on fleet feet.

Boredom + Photos + Weird Sense of Humor =

 

 

Space, the Underestimated Frontier

I was browsing through other blogs on WordPress based on tags I like and I found this. It’s a site, microhorror.com, and they’re having a 500 word limit horror-story contest. The theme is ‘space’ … not as in outer space, but as in ‘the physical dimension.’ I’m no good at horror stories, but I started to think – ‘what are scary situations involving space?’ This is what I came up with.

This is kind of a throw-away post. I’m going to have a new computer soon which I’m super jazzed about. Why? I’m going to get a slick video editing program and produce amazingly dumb videos. Even dumber than you’ve already seen – you didn’t know this was possible, did you?

Space, the Underestimated Frontier

It was a dream come true. All the hard work, all the effort, the schooling – It had, after all, been worth it.
He was an astronaut now.
He was taking his first space walk.
“Hey,” the astronaut stopped at the communication, “what’s with your helmet?”
The astronaut looked down to see something that seemed insignificant, a tiny bit of nothingness in the infinitude of space.
There was a small gap in the visor which kept it from closing all the way.

The three engineers who designed the helmet would be saddened and shamed if they knew what was happening – but at the moment they had their own problems.

One of the engineers behind the design of the astronaut’s helmet was having his own problems with space. He was on a date and quite nervous – the proverbial social skills-challenged brainiac.
The engineer was in the middle of a seemingly 15-point turn to successfully park.
“Just park away from other cars, I like walking,” the date said, trying to help.
“Oh … right …,” the engineer managed with a weak smile and a nervous chuckle.

The second engineer had just parked and run inside a gas station.
His bladder had run out of space.
What’s worse – so had the bathroom.
After his quick knocks an angry yell from inside rang out, “gimme a minute!”

The third engineer couldn’t have been happier.
He and his girlfriend were ‘taking the next step’ in their relationship.
He was a smart young man and of course used a condom. A condom that was designed, like the helmet, to not have any gaps.

The astronaut, full of panic and yet curious, said, “so much for that exploding head myth.”
While he chuckled and began looking to solve the problem at hand, his lungs ruptured.

The engineer on a date backed up to find a new spot, and hit a man.

The engineer in the gas station re-lived his worst day in second grade.

The engineer with his girlfriend became a father-to-be.

And some infinite being we can’t comprehend chuckled.

Attn: Ellen (10/14/10)

Front

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

As an FYI, the postcard is from when I went to a Giants game – it was a free giveaway!

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

In light of it being the baseball postseason I will tell you an interesting baseball fact:

Between innings 2 – 8 I think about what it’d be like if I was a super hero, or maybe just in really good shape without having to ever work out.

The interesting fact is that 74% of baseball players are thinking the same things.

About me.

Creepy, I know.

Weirdly,
GetBradStanleyPublished.Com

Almost Too Much Awesome to Contain?

I noticed Michael Ian Black’s very bizarre twitter background (@michaelianblack) and I thought … I needs me one of those.

SO on this very fine day with clearly too much free time I attacked this project.

This past weekend I went to San Antonio (where the birds are feisty). The girlfriend unit and I were hanging out and she went to take a picture of me, and at the same time someone came up behind me – so I was looking in his direction.

We also went to the zoo and I took some pictures of a jaguar. Why a jaguar? Because they’re really awesome. In fact, many people have said I am quite like a jaguar (pssst that statement is a lie, see here). Anyhow – rad jaguar picture:

Then I thought, what about a background? Here we have a lovely picture I took when my mom and I drove to the Grand Canyon:

So what do we get? Check it out @haikustanley … or just look below:

Thank goodness for Fridays – or crap like this wouldn’t exist.

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