The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

Signs You Are Unique and Special Parents

Lady: You get pregnant while still a virgin
Fella: You don’t get angry at the lady, you believe her and stick by her side
Random people show up with gifts right after you give birth and you don’t say, ‘uh, excuse me, fellas? Yeah, you, beard-y types. Could you please leave? I JUST gave birth, I’m a little tired.’
Your child begins talking to crowds about pretty radical and crazy ideas and you don’t pull said child aside and say, ‘uhhh, buddy? Let’s have a little talk about social norms, k?’
When your child was young and sometimes sulked and you would say, ‘hey mister, quit turning that water into whine’ and then he grows up and … just, woah.
You give your child a small snack, just enough to tide over til dinner time, and suddenly the whole neighborhood is full.

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Creation Screen

Wouldn’t it be crazy if you died, and it turns out there is a Heaven, and God is up there, and He is running the Big Show through some lame-looking Nintendo-era interface?

And you saw this and said, “hey God, what’re you up to?” And He’d pretend to be startled and say, “oh, hey, just making a new person – this girl is actually related to you. You want to help?”

8nsthYou’d look over his shoulder and see the screen and suppress a cry and say, “uh … what? This is how you make people?”

God would turn and look at you, giving you one of those, ‘uh duhhhhh’ looks, then he’d turn back to the screen and hit ‘Next’ and a pop-up dialog would appear and God would say, “ok so everyone defaults to the same thing – charisma, 4, coolness, 4, rad factor, 4, other, 4 … But for this one I was thinking of subtracting all the charisma points and two of the other points making her have like a TEN for rad factor. Man, she’d be so rad.”

Then you would think back on your life, all of your myriad of experiences, the unexpected twists and turns that life took, how deeply complex every moment had the possibility of being, and then you’d look back at the user interface and see God hitting a checkbox that said “heigh: medium” and you wouldn’t even have time to be upset that height was misspelled because you’re so overcome with how trivial your life seemed in that moment but your sinking thoughts would be interrupted by a ‘DING’ noise and God is winking at you because He just added another soul to this magical thing we call life.

 

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It’s Christopher Walken, Not …

Christopher Walken at a Kohl’s 50% Men’s Slacks Sale

Friend: Chris, come on man, they’re gonna be outta pants by the time we get there!
Christopher: Hey! It’s Christopher Walken, not Christopher Runnin.

 

Christopher Walken at a Children’s Dance-A-Thon for Charity

Child: Mr. Walken, will you dance with me?
Christopher: It’s Christopher Walken, but … yes, I will.

 

Christopher Walken reading a blog post

Blogger: Hey check it out, it’s pretty funny, or at least … mildly funny?
Christopher: Listen, it’s Christopher Walken, not Christopher laughin at a post that is … frankly, a little uninspired. I mean, come on, the same joke over and over but varied slightly? What is this, an overly long SNL skit?
Blogger: Well … what if the blog has been around like, a REALLY LONG TIME, and sometimes the blogger just wants to mail it in for a post or 100 posts or so?
Chistopher: You think I should lower my humor standards for this?
Blogger: If you wouldn’t mind, that’d help me out tremendously.
Christopher: Ok. Then … hm. There. You got one amused hm.

 

Christopher Walken outside a bunch of town homes, with 7 dogs on leashes with him

Person: Woah! Christopher Walken! What are you doing here?
Christopher: Dogs! They’re … great. I LOVE dogs. And people … have to work, but the dogs … sit at HOME. So lonely. Long days are tough for … dogs.
Person: You have a dog sitting business?
Christopher: No! Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous. I have a dog … Walken … business.
Christopher Walken puts on a pair of woman’s sunglasses and walks away

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