The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘God’

Are We on a Break?

Starting sometime in college I would pray every night before bed. It got to a point where I felt like I couldn’t sleep unless I’d done it. Then, around age 28 or so, I stopped til about a year ago (a 5 or so year break in that habit).

But let’s back up.

When I was growing up my family would attend church with varying amounts of consistency. When we lived someplace with a pastor my folks liked, we were more frequent attendees. When I was in elementary school I remember waking up some Sunday mornings and staying in my bedroom for a long, long time. Why? Because I hoped my mom would think, ‘oh the kids are sleeping so peacefully … is it worth waking them up for church?’

In middle school I was a part of something called “God’s Gang” … cool, huh? It was for middle schoolers to meet one night a week (?) and … I don’t remember, sing, pray, all that jazz. At the time we lived at West Point, New York and cadets were the leaders of this group. They would give testimonials about religion, Christ, that sort of thing. And sometimes we would pray or sing and people would raise their hands … I remember thinking, ‘what? Am I the only one not getting it? I haven’t had any experiences where I felt like “oh God is really speaking to me” or some passionate movement to raise my hands … You just … Keep your hands at your sides. It’s super easy.’

In high school I actually enjoyed church for the first and possibly only time in my life. The pastor, and even his backup pastor, was fantastic. I enjoyed their messages … although I found the fact that there was an actual BAND on stage at CHURCH very weird.

Let’s fast forward.

In college I dated a girl who, through no direct action on her part, inspired me to start praying every night. I honestly don’t remember why. But it comforted me, made me feel good, and I liked it.

Fast forward more. (There are a lot of gaps here, eh?)

I’m 28ish, reading a book called We, which is a dystopian novel by Yevgeny Zamyatin. It was a precursor to 1984. I read this and BOOM. The praying stopped. Another gap here, kind of a shocking one, I honestly have no idea why this book made me lose belief but it did. Now, you may think, ‘why not re-read the book, dummy?’ I do want to. Maybe I’ll go, ‘huh, I’m a wackadoo’ but maybe instead I’ll think, ‘yep, God is dead to me.’ I don’t really want that second one.

Here’s my weird situation I’ve got going on. I sorta belief, sorta don’t, but I want to. I want one of those ‘testimonial’ moments in life. I want to experience something where I’ll say, ‘aha! Yes! God, it’s you! Great stuff!’ And I kinda, sorta, maybe had that. But I’m still not convinced …

When my wife’s water broke at about 32 weeks I was incredibly afraid for my son. Staying in the hospital I began praying nightly again, for the first time in a long time. It once again brought me comfort, and a sense of peace before bed. Those are nice things when you’re otherwise full of fear.

But … But … The sort don’t believe side of me has thoughts like this: If I was to make up a complex set of lies, you know how I’d spread them? The exact same way religion works! You first get a group of adults to buy in, then you have those adults bring their kids around and indoctrinate them early so they have a reduced chance of stepping back and thinking, ‘um, is this all just a bunch of bull?’

For my Christian-leaning side I placate myself with this thought. Any GOOD relationship has had trials. I think a marriage would be scary if you hadn’t been downright ticked off at your partner before marrying them. You need to know you’re able to be angry, talk it out, and still love the other person. If you are a devout (whatever) and you haven’t thought, ‘huh … I do wonder …’ then that’s no good. Really. Looking at religion from a purely logical standpoint – it’s pretty nuts. But, the popular religions of the world all trend toward peace and harmony which I like. And it’s comforting to think of God, and Heaven (New Testament God that is). And it’s hard to shake a set of truths you’re told growing up, even if it turns out they’re not true at all.

Sorry for the overly personal post. But hey, my diary blog here is the flypaper for the annoying, buzzing thoughts that fly through my brain.

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Mountain Cottontail Defense

God: NEXT!
Mountain Cottontail: Hey, I’m a –
God: You’re a fast little fella! That’s what you are. Ok, what can I do for you?
Mountain Cottontail: Well, I love my fur. Thank you for that. It’s just, …
God: You’re sick of the sex jokes?
Mountain Cottontail: Nah. Those I kinda like. But, I –
God: Wish you had opposoble thumbs?
Mountain Cottontail: Huh? You mean opposable?
God: No … It’s like … It’s a joke I’m working on where a human has two opposable thumbs but they hate each other. They’re opposite! It’s … it’s gonna be good, just give it time.
IMG_20171108_072129292~2Mountain Cottontail: Can we …
God: Right. Yes. Go ahead.
Mountain Cottontail: It’s just that, I see other animals running away from predators, or fighting back, or even some animals aren’t hunted at all, and I wish I had a different defense.
God: You’ve got a great defensive instinct! I thought that was a neat trick!
Mountain Cottontail: Neat trick or a joke?
God: Um … kinda both, to be honest.
Mountain Cottontail: ‘Hey kids, today we’ll learn about how to evade a predator! You just stand there. Super still. Don’t move!’ It’s embarrassing.
God: No, see, it’s –
Mountain Cottontail: ‘But dad! Isn’t that how mom died?’
God: Oh come on, it’s –
Mountain Cottontail: ‘Yeah, and twelve of my twenty brothers. They waited till the last second, tried to run but NOPE. DEAD.’
God: (audible deep breath)
Mountain Cottontail: Can you please do something?
God: Ok. Sure. I’m going to make your poops tiny, adorable little pellets.
Mountain Cottontail: How does that –
God: Look! Ploop ploop! Look at those! Hahaha how adorable!
Mountain Cottontail: (audible sigh)
God: NEXT!

Creation Screen

Wouldn’t it be crazy if you died, and it turns out there is a Heaven, and God is up there, and He is running the Big Show through some lame-looking Nintendo-era interface?

And you saw this and said, “hey God, what’re you up to?” And He’d pretend to be startled and say, “oh, hey, just making a new person – this girl is actually related to you. You want to help?”

8nsthYou’d look over his shoulder and see the screen and suppress a cry and say, “uh … what? This is how you make people?”

God would turn and look at you, giving you one of those, ‘uh duhhhhh’ looks, then he’d turn back to the screen and hit ‘Next’ and a pop-up dialog would appear and God would say, “ok so everyone defaults to the same thing – charisma, 4, coolness, 4, rad factor, 4, other, 4 … But for this one I was thinking of subtracting all the charisma points and two of the other points making her have like a TEN for rad factor. Man, she’d be so rad.”

Then you would think back on your life, all of your myriad of experiences, the unexpected twists and turns that life took, how deeply complex every moment had the possibility of being, and then you’d look back at the user interface and see God hitting a checkbox that said “heigh: medium” and you wouldn’t even have time to be upset that height was misspelled because you’re so overcome with how trivial your life seemed in that moment but your sinking thoughts would be interrupted by a ‘DING’ noise and God is winking at you because He just added another soul to this magical thing we call life.

 

Attn: Ellen (5/25/16)

Front

Ellen262a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen262b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Have people given serious thought to the idea that God exists? And second of all, that God is out of His/Her gourd on drugs? Just look at nature. “Ohhh dude … grab the red paint and like, just, the whole necks in red … woah, harsh, add some black racing stripes. Oh super rad. Ok now like, make it look like grass is growing on their bellies. Sick! OK, now …”

It’s just funny given how colorless some church are when natures seems like a celebration of variety, vibrance, color.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

Other Things God Tried Before the Silent Treatment

God, who is currently undergoing the longest known example of ‘the silent treatment,’ tried other things to get humanity’s attention first:

  • Calling, but hanging up before humanity could answer, then waiting for humanity to call back
  • Saying ‘what?’ and then when humanity responds ‘…what’, God says with annoyance, ‘oh, I thought you said something’ and then there’s a silence that’s even heavier than what it was before the exchange
  • Sighing really loudly while deliberately not looking at humanity
  • Having one of God’s friends call humanity and say, ‘hey what’s your deal? Why are you being so rude to God?’
  • Being super sweet to humanity and then when humanity does the slightest thing wrong getting even angrier

The Origins of Carrot Top

Lets say, for the sake of this post, that there is a God. Some beyond comprehension THING that has created everything that we know.

That would be time consuming. At least for us, because our minds don’t comprehend this THING.

In order to create all of us, that THING would end up doing a lot of duplicate work.

“Ok another human, basic ingredients: 2 ears, one heart, etc, etc.”

This ultimate THING probably has a huge Rolodex of recipes for creating stuff. But I bet the MAGNIFICENCE has it memorized because, if anyone could memorize all that, it’d be God.

Anyhow due to all the duplicate work the divine being would maybe create a GUI or graphical user interface.

In the Earth project God would click on the project and say Add->New and then Human. Then Human would have another drop down and, because they seem to always have this, there would be your standard options and then an ‘Other’ option.

Carrot Top is from the Other option.

God’s Watching You, and It’s Weird

When I was very young I had a conversation with my grandma that really impacted my outlook on religion. She was convinced that I had gone to the bathroom and had not washed my hands. This was annoying to me because I HAD washed my hands (duh grandma, I’m not gross). But she didn’t believe me. In her eyes I was a 3rd/4th grader, and therefore a slimy, dirty little kid (I think she found boys to be naturally more gross than girls – which may be accurate – but I wash my hands thank you).

I’m clearly still upset about the hand washing. (But don’t worry I have a solution for when people DON’T wash their hands!)

Anywho.

I went back and washed my hands. Again. When I left my grandma was waiting to give me a little speech. I have no idea what exactly she said to me, but I know in the speech she involved God and how He was always watching. He would know if I washed my hands or not. Of course the intention here was to permanently put the fear of God in me in the form of hand washing (one of God’s pet peeves perhaps?).

Except it didn’t work quite like that. One, because I had already washed my hands. Two, because it made me think God was watching me use the bathroom. This was a very unsettling thought.

From there the idea changed in shape some. The idea of someone seeing everything was too much for me to comprehend. (Yes, God is incomprehensible and all that, that’s cool, but … my mind won’t allow that, it’s too engineering-y) The way it worked in my head was that everyone had, in Heaven, a room full of VCRs (God worked with the latest technology of 1993/1994). The VCRs had recordings of your WHOLE life! Every single beautiful, sad, wonderful, and mundane moment.

And … the time you spent in the bathroom.

It was a neat little crisis of faith as a fourth grader to question if God was a perv. Ahh childhood, so innocent … and derailed into a wilderness of weird, from which I have never left.

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