The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

Trump Days in to the Presidency

It’s 100 days into THE President Trump’s Presidency … Let’s look at some highlights, shall we?

Day 1 – Trump gets a dog and names it Weakness. Refuses to let it in the White House, tells the nation this dog is a metaphor.

Day 5 – After days of PETA protests, Trump says he’ll personally pay for pita sandwiches for anyone who will boycott PETA’s boycott.

Day 6 – The nation learns how tasty a pita sandwich can be, while about half the nation practically oozes hatred in combination with enjoying a tasty meal.

Day 12 – Trump meets with several foreign leaders for a record breaking seven minutes, he is heard leaving the meeting saying horribly racist things which the nation … eats up? What?

Day 20 – Trump’s temporary spike in popularity drops down when he laughs at someone for being poor.

Day 33 – Trump is accused of pooping in a paper bag and dropping it at the front door of his major political opponent.

Day 50 – Trump heads out on vacation.

Day 70 – Trump’s back, and declares war on a TBD country or countries. Trump says this with the kind of confidence and swagger that practically causes sane people to drop dead.

Day 72 – Trump declares that the word Trump means the number 100. He says no dollar bill is classier than the Trump dollar bill.

Day 79 – The to be determined countries surrender, and the United States is now a “majority shareholder” in Greenland and another country that Trump refuses to share the name of.

Day 85 – Trump attempts to have a journalist who called him Trumpleton fired, and then assassinated. In the end Trump buys the newspaper and fires everyone except the cartoonist, who is instructed to “go nuts”.

Day 92 – Trump embraces the name Trumpleton, declares that it is equal to the number 10.

Day 100 – Trump days into office, or ten Trumpletons, and Trump gives a speech that is monumental in the number of search engine queries for rules on becoming expats.

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A Joke for the New Year

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Loneliness.

P.S. If you can’t wait to tell this joke at a party, your new year is not off to a great start. Or, you’re my kinda pal.

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Customized License Plate Owner Seeking Friend

I know this won’t apply to more than 99% of the people reading this, but it’s important to me and hopefully everyone can respect that.

I’ve got a vanity license plate which says “thisguy.” It’s great, I’ve never regretted it for a moment. A friend of mine told me that I should find the girl who has the license plate “thisgrl” and marry her – but I think that’s tacky. It’s so obvious.

But it got me thinking – I could use a compadre, a compatriot, a brother-in-vanity-plate-arms. And who would be better than “that guy.”

Just imagine it! We’re out for a car ride on a Sunday morning, I fly through the church traffic making some Christian family on their way to being holy utter the big dude’s name in vain and then you cruise by, real slow and respectful like, and that Christian dad goes from angry to laughing. “Honey,” he says, pausing to laugh, “did you see that? First thisguy … then thatguy … God sure does have a sense of humor.”

That’s not God, bro, that’s me, my vanity license plate, and you.

And what about us on a two-lane highway, driving 50 in a 65, side-by-side, everyone behind us furious and yet … impressed. The coordination it must have taken to get thisguy and thatguy together as a unified team.

Please don’t respond to this ad if you don’t actually have the license plate thatguy. I have wasted far too much time driving to fake addresses and random people’s houses just so they can see that yes, I am actually for real about this.

Thanks,
thisguy

P.S. When you see me driving around give me a wave or something, solidarity!

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