During the long drive from Houston to Colorado (during winter storm GOLIATH to boot) Siri and I had words. And I learned, aside from the score of the Arizona game, that Siri doesn’t know when I am saying you’re vs when I’m saying your. What a dope!
Also, happy New Year’s everyone!
Hey what’s going on? I noticed you’re looking at stuff in Target, you pregnant or something? I just ask cause they sell kids’ clothes here.
Oh and speaking of pregnant – you want me to help you announce to your friends and family that you might be pregnant?
Look, I know you said you’re not pregnant … But let’s be honest, you might be.
We can do this a bunch of ways, and I will help you make this a memorable announcement for as little as ten dollars. No more than one hundred – and for that price you start the video and say, “I have a big announcement everyone” all like happy or whatever, and then I walk in from a different room just wearing a diaper and maybe like one of those hats babies wear … And I say like “wah way mother f-” and then a microwave beeps or something so it’s like my cussing is edited. Or I can cuss. Whatever. That’s like the premier package.
I disagree, I don’t think you need to call security.
Listen for ten ten bucks, we call that the premiere package, you just announce it all nice like and I just sit off behind you a few feet back and make non-stop eye contact with the camera like the camera is flirting with me and I’m like ya whaddup camera I see your game and it’s love love baby.
No, what? Excuse me officer, did you hear what I just said? I said a tennis reference. That’s. A. Tennis. Reference.
All right. I get it, I’ll leave. Hit me up on twitter, @preggarsman, remember ten to one hundred and your friends and family will love you more.
Recently I did some interviewing and some questions I encountered would brutally tough. Thankfully I’ve got an inside scoop and I was able to find out the answers, so here they are.
Good luck with your upcoming interviews! With these in mind, I know you’ll do great.
Q: what is the biggest difference between you and a star fish?
You might be tempted to talk about how you’re more proactive, or how you are more flexible, but no – the correct answer is that unlike a starfish, children would not be excited to stumble upon your dead body washed up onto the shore.
Q: Can you tell me five things wrong with this picture? (And then they show you a headshot of Danny Devito.)
You could probably talk about a LOT of things when it comes to Danny Devito but don’t be fooled, this is a trick question. The correct answer is to say no quietly, and then look at the lead interviewer and say, “but I can tell you five things wrong with THIS picture.” (Then wave your arms about to indicate a society that is so judgmental.)
Q: You’ve got a triangle, a square, a rhombus and thirty seconds to live, what’s your favorite color?
This is a classic example of too much information in a question and you are forced to focus on only the details that matter. In this case, it’s the fact that you only have thirty seconds to live. Ideally you will FLIP. OUT. I would strongly encourage standing up, flipping your chair, and if you can get yourself to sob uncontrollably, now is the time to do that.
Trust me folks, follow my advice here, extrapolate these generic questions into any question you get, and you’re practically guaranteed a new job!
DumbFunnery 