The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Target’

Hey Man, You Pregnant?

Hey what’s going on? I noticed you’re looking at stuff in Target, you pregnant or something? I just ask cause they sell kids’ clothes here.

Oh and speaking of pregnant – you want me to help you announce to your friends and family that you might be pregnant?

Look, I know you said you’re not pregnant … But let’s be honest, you might be.

We can do this a bunch of ways, and I will help you make this a memorable announcement for as little as ten dollars. No more than one hundred – and for that price you start the video and say, “I have a big announcement everyone” all like happy or whatever, and then I walk in from a different room just wearing a diaper and maybe like one of those hats babies wear … And I say like “wah way mother f-” and then a microwave beeps or something so it’s like my cussing is edited. Or I can cuss. Whatever. That’s like the premier package.

I disagree, I don’t think you need to call security.

Listen for ten ten bucks, we call that the premiere package, you just announce it all nice like and I just sit off behind you a few feet back and make non-stop eye contact with the camera like the camera is flirting with me and I’m like ya whaddup camera I see your game and it’s love love baby.

No, what? Excuse me officer, did you hear what I just said? I said a tennis reference. That’s. A. Tennis. Reference.

All right. I get it, I’ll leave. Hit me up on twitter, @preggarsman, remember ten to one hundred and your friends and family will love you more.

My Zombie Roomy (8/25/11)

The Zombie came home today with this sneaky little grin on his face that was … ok fine I’ll say it – it was adorable. It feels weird to say that about a guy, let alone an undead guy, but it’s the truth.

Anyhow – he was carrying a bag from Target, sort of swinging it around happily like you can’t help but do sometimes when you’ve got a bag from a candy shop.

I pointed to the bag and said, “mind if I …” and he got the picture. He held the bag out, opened it up, and I glanced in.

It was at this point that I remembered my roommate is not a normal, boyish fellow with a bag but a Zombie (with a bag).

Thankfully, the contents were not Zombie snacks, though they were weird:

  • Pack of D Batteries
  • Sunglasses
  • A box of condoms

I have nothing to support this but I think the Zombie had a date tonight!!

Larry

I was shocked when the aliens came.

I was flabbergasted when they said they were going to destroy all human life on Earth.

And I was just plain pissed off when they said, “except Larry.”

Larry? Really aliens? Ok, sure, you’re hyper intelligent and each of you knows more than all of us combined and you’re smart enough to travel all the way to us and destroy all of us but … why Larry?

He’s such a jerk! You know I went out to lunch with him last week and when the bill came it was 19 dollars and some change and he left a twenty and that’s it! Hiya Larry, heard of tipping? You jerk.

You might wonder why I was out to lunch with Larry but it’s a work-politics thing and I don’t want to get into it. (And I’ll admit that I kind of enjoy whining about Larry – yes, I’m the guy that started asking the question, “was Larry’s dad a dentist, and his mom an enema?”)

In case you’re wondering his dad really is a dentist, and as far as I know his mother is not actually an enema.

Anyhow aliens, this is ticking me off. What will Larry do with the planet all to himself? I’ll tell you what he’ll do – he’ll continue walking around the office talking to himself about how he doesn’t have enough memory on his computer.

I can see it now. Four years after humanity is gone … He’ll be spending Saturday night the way he does now. Walking around Target, looking at CDs but not getting any of them because he doesn’t agree with the philosophy of the artist. Then he’ll head home to make soup and re-watch that one episode of Firefly with the hot red head.

Listen aliens – it’s great that you said you were going to give us seven years to clean up our acts and prove that we deserve to live on this planet. We appreciate it. But what does that mean? Does that mean we all need to live like Larry? Because there’s a mob from work forming and … ha! I can’t believe it! Dave’s got a pitchfork. Classic Dave. Anyhow there’s this mob forming and I don’t think Larry’s going to last seven years.

Any answers or tips or something would really be appreciated. Or hey, maybe if you rescind your threat or just – I know this is bad but – if you just changed it to destroying ALL humanity.

Spare Larry? I don’t think so.

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