The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

Realization – Womenfolk and Menfolk

I decided on something tonight. It’s based on a stereotype, which may also be true. The stereotype (or scientific fact, if you go for this article) is that women talk more than men.

Although, based on my blogging, and enjoyment of telling stories, I give the stereotypical woman a run for her money.

Anyhow – here’s my comparison.

When these stereotypical women tell stories, it’s like the first chapter of a book. They introduce characters, and give the setting and background information. You don’t just hear about Susie, you hear about Susie, who grew up in South Carolina and likes to wear scarves.

When stereotypical men tell stories, the characters have already been established. It’s Patrick, and he was out getting drunk one night when … It’s not Patrick, from Oregon, who grew up and things were tough because his parents got divorced and seemed to use him as a pawn in some sick battle.

There you go. My little joke to go with the stereotype.

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The Pirate Queen

What? – Where? – When? – This can’t be good
Why am I floating in the ocean on this driftwood?
Oh right, the pirate attack that could not be withstood …
Optimism at this point would be foolish, feeble, and a falsehood

But wait, I open my eyes and … could this be, utter delight?
A woman is at the edge of the boat and, this can’t be right!
A lovely hand at the end of a slender arm at the end of a beautiful body alight
“I’m the pirate queen, and, I’ll be honest, this is not your lucky night.”

Well, my hopes quickly left when I got a handle on the affair
I was brought aboard the boat and tied to a less than comfortable chair
Coming to terms with my near death is not easy to bear
So, I will distract myself with mindless chatter during this … terrible affair.

“How did you get to be the pirate queen?”
“By being rude, cruel and mercilessly mean.”
“You certainly don’t seem so mean.”
“Oh trust me, I’m meaner than I seem.”

“But just tell me, one thing, one little example.”
“You see that ash tray on the table?”
“So you smoke? For a pirate, that’s pretty dull.”
“That’s the former captain’s emptied skull.”
“…Ah, perhaps I should be taken down to rest in the hull”

Try as a I might
I knew I wasn’t getting out of this plight
But while might may make right
I wouldn’t give up without a continued mental fight

“There must be SOMETHING that can get me out of this pickle!”
“As you might have gleamed, us pirates can be quite fickle.”
“Please, my life is not yet one half of one tenth full!”
“Ok, ok, I have a deal my little talkative handful,

“You can ask me three questions, and if you surprise me, I won’t kill you.”
“That’s a very generous and weird offer, and for that I thank you.”
“Questions, my dear, flattery won’t due.”
“As your captive audience, trust me, flattery I will easily eschew:

“Living on a boat, is your biggest fear somnambulism?”
“Actually, it’s a tie between mutiny and cannibalism.”
“Two questions to go … I still have some optimism.”
“Are you the type to confuse optimism with masochism?

“Give me your next two questions, quit killing time and preparing.”
“If you were a tree, what color underwear do you think I’m wearing?”
“That’s clever – what word means the opposite of alluring?”
If I can’t be clever … I guess I’ll be honest, with a hint of daring

“Is it just me, or is this chair suddenly wet?”
“You … That … Touche, I’ll let you live without regret,
“I’ve captured, and killed, too many to count – that’s the best yet.
“I’ll stay true to my word, I’ll honor my bet …”

…Yes, the pirate queen is rude, cruel and mercilessly mean
But she let me free, FREE!, she’s not some killing machine!
One day, perhaps, she and I will reconvene …
But first, I have to climb out of this deep, deep ravine

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Don’t Mess Up

This week I had a fancy work event which I was very nervous about. Generally at work I never do any public speaking. I will sometimes speak to a group of about 20, if it’s at a meeting for my manager … But that’s a casual atmosphere where I know everyone. And I am not doing any actual presentation.

On Tuesday morning I had to introduce my boss’s boss’s boss (I think it sounds more fun to say it that way than with titles). I was pretty nervous about this. I practiced the very brief (30 seconds or so) introduction to the point of memorizing the speech.

There are a few ways that seemed like ways I could mess up introducing Miss Boss’s Boss’s Boss:

  • In the middle of the introduction, revert to what I would often do while practicing, which was to say “blaaaaaaah!! I don’t wanna DO THISSSSSS!!!”
  • Accidentally imply she’s a cyborg
  • Wonder aloud how the audience thinks I’m doing
  • Picture the audience in their underwear (I’m not saying there weren’t good looking people there, but overall that would be a bad move for my vision)
  • Set an oscillating fan beside me, and mimic the fan’s behavior while speaking (you know, look to the left part of the room for a few seconds, gradually shift my gaze and look in the middle a few seconds, you get the gist) … Then at the conclusion of my introduction I would say, “Yes, it’s clear (so and so) is an impressive woman. I guess you could say I’m her biggest … fan.”

Thankfully I didn’t do any of those things. My boss’s boss told me I looked far too serious (which makes sense, I was nervous). I plan to ask him how I did overall … I have a feeling that’ll lead to a lot more jokes, but it’ll be good.

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