The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

Prison Test

Dear reader,

Are you going to federal penitentiary anytime soon? I’ve got a theory I’d love for you to try.

You hear on movies and TV shows that the way you establish dominance in prison is to go and find the biggest person on your first day and pick a fight with that person.

But listen to this.

My theory is instead if on your first day you get a banana and eat it, that’ll do it. But not just any typical eating a banana, you eat the WHOLE banana. Bite after casual, enjoying this banana like anyone would enjoy a banana except I’m also eating the peel, bite.

And maybe also laugh occasionally. Say ‘no!’ to the banana like it told you something outrageously funny or offensive, and then slip in one or two very coy and slightly sexual ‘maybe.’

Let me know if 1, you’re going to prison; 2, you try this; 3, how it works out.

Thanks in advance.

yellow bananas

Photo by Juan Salamanca on Pexels.com

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Good Friday

Jesus: Welcome to Heaven!

Dead Guy: Wow … Jesus?

Jesus: Yep.

Dead Guy: Wow! Imagine … dying on Good Friday and you’re the first person I meet!

Jesus: Good Friday?

Dead Guy: Yeah. It was Good Friday.

Jesus: But what’s Good Friday?

Dead Guy: Uh … well … it’s to commemorate … you dying … for … our sins?

Jesus: Yeah. Yeah. I remember the day. But why’s it Good Friday?

Dead Guy: Cause um … you’re so good to us?

Jesus: You know I was tortured that day.

Dead Guy: It … But …

Jesus: (sighs) Anyway um … Welcome.

Attn: Ellen (4/17/19)

Front

Ellen395a

 

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen395b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

At my son’s daycare they send ‘incident reports’ if he gets banged up. The most recent one was, “[your son] was sitting on a friend, and the friend scratched his face.” The led me to conclude I wouldn’t last a day at daycare.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Mother’s Iced Oatmeal Cookies

Mom: Did you hear my big news?

Child: Uh … yeah … Dad told me …

IMG_20190331_194006607Mom: Well!? Isn’t it just such a wonderful idea!?

Child: Uh … yeah … it’s exciting, mom.

Mom: Everyone has just always had such wonderful things to say about my cookies! And now everyone in the world can have them since I’m going into business!

Child: Yeah, your cookies …

Mom: Yes?

Child: They … keep. They keep better than any other cookie. Fresh or three weeks old, you can’t tell a difference.

Mom: Well, what an unusual compliment!

Child: I mean they’re good … It’s just like … Every time you have one you’re like, ‘oh yeah. This flavor.’

Mom: Now everyone will know that same delightful experience!

Child: Maybe you could have a recipe on the back to make something else with the cookies.

Mom: Like a cookie pie?

Child: No I was thinking like … a shed. Or the hull of a shipping vessel.

Mom: Hmm. Your dad said skyscrapers.

Child: Oh yeah! That’s a good one, dad.

Mom: Well. You can’t have any of these that are about to come out of the oven.

Child: All right! Thanks mom!

Mom: …

Attn: Ellen (4/10/19)

Front

 

Ellen394a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen394b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Do you think, in the history of Welch’s, anyone has even been fired for saying ‘hey! That’s really grape news!’

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

March 2019 Haiku

March 1 (Friday)
Wife gone for weekend
My mom’s flying in to help
And freeze (temp’s ZERO)

March 2 (Saturday)
Swim lesson today
Big windows show snow falling
While we play in pool

March 3 (Sunday)
Kiddo is WALKING
He BEAMS as he takes some steps
He’s so pleased! (Us, too!)

March 4 (Monday)
My mom brought ‘baby’
Kid walks holding baby doll
Happiness abounds

March 5 (Tuesday)
Kiddo has new cough
The little disease magnet
Please sleep despite cough?!

March 6 (Wednesday)
Babysitter time
Kid and sitter snuggle up
Rest up, lil cougher

March 7 (Thursday)
Wife stays home with son
Low key day with hopes of sleep
Emphasis on hope

March 8 (Friday)
Dear sleep gods … THANK YOU
Kid and I snuggled some, then …
He slept 10 straight hours!

March 9 (Saturday)
New swim class begins …
Class goes up to 3 year olds
(Runt of litter here!)

March 10 (Sunday)
Kid’s vocab grows on
Wish he’d say them in a row
For record keeping

March 11 (Monday)
Meeting to find out
Just how lost/confused are we?
Lead’s way late (not great)

March 12 (Tuesday)
Tomorrow: blizzard
Today: playing at the park
60 degrees out!

March 13 (Wednesday)
‘Blizzard provisions’
Includes donut holes for kid
Surprise: he LOVES them

March 14 (Thursday)
Kid demands: ‘apple!’
Healthy? No. That’s what he called
Donut hole he had

March 15 (Friday)
Grandparents in town
Kid eats up all eyes on him
Playing peek-a-boo

March 16 (Saturday)
Sledding adventure
Kid feels off, sits and watches
Silly mom and dad

March 17 (Sunday)
Grandparents watch kid
While he takes FOUR HOUR NAP
Boring gig for them

March 18 (Monday)
Basement starts today!
Noise, strangers for many weeks
Will be great when done!

March 19 (Tuesday)
Why’s it called Tuesday?
Cause it’s twice the fun of Monday!
…I’ll see myself out

March 20 (Wednesday)
FAST basement progress
In the same time I would have
Hammered in one board

March 21 (Thursday)
Kid sick this weekend
Then, per our pattern, mom’s turn
Now it is my turn

March 22 (Friday)
Stomach says ‘I’m fine!’
No food last night so I EAT
Stomach says, ‘uh … sooo …’

March 23 (Saturday)
Minimal movement
Plus having a toddler means
Wife does all the work

March 24 (Sunday)
A bit better now
Museum with the kiddo
Fun stuff to see/do

March 25 (Monday)
After rough weekend
Monday is no spot of joy
Here we go, long week

March 26 (Tuesday)
Sweet – ran those commands!
Now we get to the hard part
What did I just do?

March 27 (Wednesday)
Post-work walk with son
Key step is: stop, pick up dirt
And just stare at it

March 28 (Thursday)
Kid’s spoon skills are great!
Can eat cereal solo*!
*Sans random bowl flips …

March 29 (Friday)
Kid woke up crying
‘Want to come cuddle with dad?’
Aggressive nod yes

March 30 (Saturday)
Date day with Mrs.
Enjoying nature’s splendor
Then, belly’s splendor

March 31 (Sunday)
Kid, wife at playdate
So it’s mini donuts and
Action flick for me

Attn: Ellen (4/3/19)

Front

 

Ellen393a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen393b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I decided when retire I’m going to move to Tibet and build a wall. (Psst. My hope is it’ll be so nice and wall-like people will call it the Even Better Wall of Tibet.)

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

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