The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

Attn: Ellen (12/12/18)

Front

Ellen378b

 

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen378a

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Recently I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. I took off my glasses and wow – stunning! What a beautiful fuzzy creature stood before me! Such a sharp (maybe?) jawline! Such dazzling eyes are probably right around that area? I didn’t know what I was looking at, but I liked (possibly?) it.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

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November 2018 Haiku

November 1 (Thursday)
Stay woke, everyone
And obviously the key
Is a good night’s rest

#dadJoke

November 2 (Friday)
It’s Friday, people!
Or ‘It’s Friday people!’ … Hm.
Impetuous group.

November 3 (Saturday)
Swam one whole mile!
Took me a long time (looooong time)
But, hey, I did it

November 4 (Sunday)
Wife, kid errand-ing
I could be so productive!
Or not. I choose … Not.

November 5 (Monday)
Son loves Graham crackers
Dipped in milk for him today
Love? No. Taste-splosion.

November 6 (Tuesday)
Election results
Not the blue wave I hoped for
But a nice blue splash

November 7 (Wednesday)
Design Thinking class
Today: creating ideas
No eval (it’s fun!)

November 8 (Thursday)
Game night with fellas
Game download took hours so …
We ACTUALLY talked!

#normallyJustYellAtGame

November 9 (Friday)
Design Thinking class
Today: just get to the point!
(Presentation work)

November 10 (Saturday)
Son scared at haircut
He holds my hand the whole time
Heart melts, and reforms

November 11 (Sunday)
It’s Veterans Day
A humble thanks to all those
Who served this country

November 12 (Monday)
Coffee and reading
Dear book, please explain toddlers
Or, you know, just mine

November 13 (Tuesday)
Candy bag at work
Take one, bite down on it and …
Huh, this is … quite old

November 14 (Wednesday)
Wandering my work
Seeking leftover candy
Miss you, sugar fix!

November 15 (Thursday)
Oh floating band-aid
You distract me from swimming
And fill me with fear

November 16 (Friday)
Cleaned up at a park
THIRTY tires! Dumpster FILLED!
‘Grats humanity

November 17 (Saturday)
Habitat build day
Worked on some sarcastic walls
… dry … walls … I’m sorry

November 18 (Sunday)
First sporting event!
Kid was absorbed watching it
So much to take in!

November 19 (Monday)
The kiddo has croup
Nightly cuddles have ensued
No sleep for mom, dad

November 20 (Tuesday)
It’s a short work week
At standup someone called it
“Who else has checked out?”

November 21 (Wednesday)
It’s a travel day
Kiddo passed out on my lap
Please, PLEASE stay sleeping

November 22 (Thursday)
Happy Thanksgiving!
May your turkey be as stuffed
As you will soon be

November 23 (Friday)
Planned to jog today
Instead had a huge breakfast
And light lunch of pie

November 24 (Saturday)
Got to see some pals!
Operation ‘move near us!’
Is now underway

November 25 (Sunday)
Long travel day home
Kiddo did lots of waving
A queen in past life?

November 26 (Monday)
Back to work today
Oh and that defect is back
Bad welcome back gift

November 27 (Tuesday)
In a class today
Teacher has classic nerd voice
(Establishes cred)

November 28 (Wednesday)
15th month check-up
“Still not walking? Hmm, ok”
Shush, doc, he’s perfect

November 29 (Thursday)
My little goofball
Is now into tilting head
World’s more fun sideways

November 30 (Friday)
Son of a biscuit
Bug fix I checked in that shipped
Doesn’t fully work

Superman Socks

Recently I bought a 2-pack of socks which feature the Superman logo on them. I was excited because they were clearance socks, and Superman. A double win, clearly.

When I got home I noticed that the socks each said something. One pair says ‘Strong’ and the other pair says ‘Stronger.’

This was a lot to take in.

What does this mean? Are all of my days relative to one another? Are my only options Strong or Stronger? Did Superman not have days where, sure, it’s sunny outside, but hey man, it’s a rainy day on the inside. I bet he did. Where is my Superman logo socks that say ‘Melancholy’ and ‘Melancholy-er’ (for those extra melancholy days).

Should I mix and match the socks? Forever demoting my left foot to just be Strong? (Let’s face it left, you are the weaker foot).

IMG_20181120_181100608Maybe I should only plan on wearing one pair of socks but bringing the other pair with me. That way if the day starts off and I’m feeling great I’ll leave wearing ‘Stronger’ but then I’ve had lunch, slowed down, and now I am feeling a mere ‘Strong’ ranking so I change. Then when I get home my wife will know, ‘oh no, he’s self-demoted.’

What would other super hero socks say? For Batman it could be ‘Conniving’ and ‘Connivingest.’ The Flash ought to be something like ‘Fast’ and ‘Sassy’ just to keep you guessing. I’d wear those in a heartbeat.

Target should’ve warned me about this purchase.

Hey man, just a heads up, those socks are going to raise a lot more questions than they’re going to provide answers.

I’ve got to go, a guy just walked by me wearing Superman socks that say ‘Strongest’ and as I’m wearing ‘Stronger’ today I’m pretty sure we need to fight to the death. Let’s go Bizarro. (Or am I the Bizarro?!)

Wish me luck.

Attn: Ellen (12/5/18)

Front

Ellen377b

 

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen377a

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Do you think in ancient times (whatever that means) there was some village elder who would go out on hunts and point to different animals and say either “delicious” or “belch?” Because really, who looks at big hairy animals and thinks “YUM!”

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

The Look He Craved

Joe was a practical man. When there was a potential problem he took practical steps to mitigate that problem. In 1999, when Y2K talk was rampant Joe bought a large number of foodstuffs to store away as a precautionary measure.

Now, in 2018, some of the foods were just a year away from hitting their expiration time.

Joe, practical as ever, decided to make a meal out of some of those to-be-expired foods and the meal almost made him want to commit acts of horrible unpleasantness. The food had not held up very well.

But, Joe thought, I can’t just let this food go to waste. That would be … wasteful. (Practical even in his word choices.)

Joe had been working for 32 years and approached work from a … you guessed it … practical perspective. Yes, some of his co-workers occasionally made him want to commit acts of horrible unpleasantness but you just grit your teeth and go on.

Perhaps, maybe, on occasion, Joe did little things to get back at his loathsome coworkers to level out his emotional state. Nothing extreme, just enough to balance the scorecard. For example, Joan prints every email she gets even though that’s dumb. Joe, Mr. Practical, got Joan fired by sabotaging the data she reported on to make her appear inept.

Ahhh. Wait. Joe. You did what?

Looking at this large stockpile of to-be-expired foods Joe crafted a plan.

No, seriously. You got her fired? That’s …

Joe began to make delicious looking dishes using this food and would bring them to the office on occasion. Never frequently, because people might start to leearn to avoid the snacks left out in the breakroom.

Joe. Dude.

But piece by piece, can by can, Joe got rid of his Y2K supply. And oh, that sweet reward. That look of bitter betrayel as someone would bite into what appeared to be a delicious snack …

Joe, seriously. I don’t want to be your narrator anymore. You’re not right, man.

Joe, ever practical, had already set his sights on what would come next for him. He knew he needed to continue to dish up revenge for those he felt did not live by a good set of rules. He was running to be HOA president. Joe knew he could continue to get that look of betrayel, acting as a dedicated member of the HOA.

Fin.

Guess who recently had a piece of very old Halloween candy when someone brought in a bag of leftovers? And guess who recently was annoyed by their HOA?

Your Friendly Neighborhood Blogger,
DumbFunnery

marketing man person communication

Some can of mystery meat making this man go insane, no doubt. Photo by Gratisography on Pexels.com

 

 

 

Attn: Ellen (11/28/18)

Front

 

Ellen376a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen376b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I recently went to my first sporting event at Denver University. I don’t know if they have an honors college, but if they don’t they’re missing a real t-shirt selling opportunity. I mean, like, really. D.U.H.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Attn: Ellen (11/21/18)

Front

Ellen375a

 

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen375b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Here’s a trick I learned for Thanksgiving. If you don’t eat to the point of hating yourself, it’s actually a really nice day with friends and family.

But guess what Aunt Carol, I’m eating till I wanna puke so go screw yourself.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

P.S. Happy Turkey Day!

Why am I doing this?

 

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