The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

Opportunity of a Lifetime

I think if Willem Dafoe isn’t going to a costume party once every five years or so acting like a real jerk, a real a-hole, a real meany-face … he’s missing an opportunity.

Because you know who would be right behind him at the party? His ol’ nemesis … greeting everyone with a smile, a compliment, a friendly word. That’s right, it’s … Willem Dafriend.

fashion woman outside hat

Look at how funny she thinks I am.

Sports Complex Names so Tasty You’ll Say Mmm-mmm, No Thanks

I was reading about upcoming March Madness fun when I saw this: Louisville’s KFC Yum Center. That’s real. That’s a real place and that is the name they chose. I read that and without thinking said ‘blech.’ People, lots and lots of theoretically smart marketing people … chose that. Probably after deliberation. There were names worse than the KFC Yum Center!

close up photo of a cheese burger

Your seat could be covered in this!

Here now for your consideration are otheer places for young, talented athletes to sport it up.

  • The Citadel’s White Castle Impenetrable Burger Fortress Arena
  • Boise State’s Taco Bell Tasty Laxative Station
  • Georgia Tech’s Hardee’s’ll Do (I Guess) Stadium
  • University of Alabama’s McDonald’s Grease Bag of Goodies Center
  • University of Arizona’s Arby’s We Have the (Track) Meats Stadium

Attn: Ellen (3/27/19)

Front

 

Ellen392a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen392b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

If werewolves were real I’d create a group called ‘wherewolves’ and whenever I heard someone say ‘werewolves’ I’d jump in and say ‘wherewolves’ and point to my heart.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Looking v Staring

You know what’s interesting is looking vs staring. Staring is always a more intense version of looking. It amplifies the mood. But generally in a bad way.

Like if someone says ‘I like to look at girls’ you’d think: That’s creepy. I’m not sure about this person. If instead they say: ‘I like to stare at girls’. No no. Buh uh. The word stare has made me someone you don’t want to be around.

‘I was looking at the report’. Ok. Sure. You were mildly reading a report. ‘I was starting at the report.’ Dude. You weren’t even trying to read that report at all.

In both cases staring brought a certain intensity, and both times it did no favors.

Maybe just avoid the word stare.

man in black full zip jacket

Take it easy, creepy romeo.

So, You’re Making Homemade Fortune Cookies

Friends. You’re. In. Luck. Because I’ve got a bunch ready to go for you, so all you have to do is the hard work of printing tiny pieces of paper and making those cookies and then somehow shoving the paper in and not getting it stuck in the cookie.

Let’s say you have been dating someone a while (or not, you impulsive romantic) and you decide you want to ask that person to marry you. Simple. The fortune will say, “will you marry me?” and then when your potential spouse opens the cookie, reads it, looks up at you with eyes full of something (love? fear?) you say, ‘did that asshole cookie just ask you to marry it?’ How could he or she turn you down now, you clever goose!

Let’s say it is finals week and you are taking a break from studying by making these cookies. First, terrible idea, you should be studying, but second, here’s what you say. “A+’s are rarely given, but the dumb dumb in front of you deserves one. So … chop, chop, prof.” A+? More like A++!

Fortune cookies.jpg

Source: Wikipedia


Let’s say you have just bumped into someone while driving, and you have pulled over to trade insurance information. Trade information and then, before driving away hand them a cookie and say, ‘terrible way to meet you but it was, as much as it can be in this situation, a pleasure.’ You’ll be off and driving wherever when they open the cookie, only to read, ‘everything I just told you was a lie.’ Not bad!

Let’s say it’s New Year’s Eve and you’re hosting a great big party. Write a really flowery, delightful, heartfelt compliment on all of the fortunes but one, and that one outlier will say, “blood.” That’s all fine and dandy. But the fun party game for yourself is watching everyone’s faces as they read their fortunes and trying to figure out as fast as possible who the outlier is. Neat game!

Let’s say a friend has just posted bail and they’ve been meeting with a lawyer all day long and they just don’t know how they’ll afford this, or how they’ll survive, or what this means for their friendships, their marriage, their life as a whole and they are just scared to death of everything right now. Bam. Fortune Cookie. And what’s the note say? ‘You’re un-bailievable.’ Heart warmed!

Attn: Ellen (3/13/19)

Front

 

Ellen390a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen390b

Cheerios is having this contest where you tell Ellen something good you’ve done and then you might get tickets to her show. But I had more pressing questions. The text of the postcard is

So Ellen, you like postcards? Cool. Cool. Me too. Umm … ok. Well, see ya!

Why am I doing this?

 

Attn: Ellen (3/6/19)

Front

Ellen389a

 

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen389b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

General Grant National Park is the drink ingest National Park.

[] True
[] False

Please respond.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

%d bloggers like this: