The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘fast food’

Sports Complex Names so Tasty You’ll Say Mmm-mmm, No Thanks

I was reading about upcoming March Madness fun when I saw this: Louisville’s KFC Yum Center. That’s real. That’s a real place and that is the name they chose. I read that and without thinking said ‘blech.’ People, lots and lots of theoretically smart marketing people … chose that. Probably after deliberation. There were names worse than the KFC Yum Center!

close up photo of a cheese burger

Your seat could be covered in this!

Here now for your consideration are otheer places for young, talented athletes to sport it up.

  • The Citadel’s White Castle Impenetrable Burger Fortress Arena
  • Boise State’s Taco Bell Tasty Laxative Station
  • Georgia Tech’s Hardee’s’ll Do (I Guess) Stadium
  • University of Alabama’s McDonald’s Grease Bag of Goodies Center
  • University of Arizona’s Arby’s We Have the (Track) Meats Stadium

Listen Up, Healthy Foods!

We all know that fast food commercials show a version of the fast food that doesn’t exist. Not even in their test kitchens. It is fake food, or food that is real but has been sprayed or modified to make it non-edible. (Think of that perfect slice of pizza, that when grabbed is left with the cheese being pulled between the pie and the single slice.)

I’m not going to talk about that, instead I’m going to talk about an ad for healthy foods. Why not something like this.

Fast food commercials show people happily eating fast food. Here is a Taco Bell dude happily eating Taco Bell.

And of COURSE these people are happy. They are eating foods that are not good for the body and through some cruel evolutionary twist that is exactly what we like.

What healthy foods should do, fruits, milk, whatever (various industries of healthier stuff) – show a commercial where you have people happily eating fast food. Then people eating something healthy with a moderate amount of enjoyment. Then show us those same people twenty minutes later, with the fast food-ers sitting next to a grease-stained bag and an unhappy look on their face, perhaps a statement to a pal, “why do we eat this stuff?” Then the healthy food-ers twenty minutes later, chilling out, happy, feeling good.

You heard it here first healthy food industry advertisement magnates (pfft, like you exist) – please credit me when you run this ad.

Travel Writing – McDonald’s

McDonald’s, with its internationally known Golden Arches beckoning, is the destination of choice this week. Why? Because there’s one roughly 0.2 miles from my apartment.

Walking toward the McDonald’s, I wonder just how many people can say the exact same thing. I look to the driver at the drive-thru window, and he gives a little wave. I’m free to cross to walk inside.

The exterior is pleasant. That’s it, pleasant. It’s familiar, like a drug habit, or a guilty pleasure.

Inside – I’m at once greeted by a sense of irony. Or maybe it’s just right. A young, athletic looking woman, sporting a surprisingly clean looking McDonald’s uniform is handing a bag of food to a very obese man. Here, this looks like it’s more your style than mine, she seems to be saying.

It’s around 2:30 pm, so there is no line. There are a few people eating in the restaurant. Some teenagers who are happily wasting a summer day. A few mechanics on a late lunch break, or maybe they’re charging you labor while they deliberate over some fries.

While I’m noticing the people, another person comes in the restaurant. I decide to hurry up to the counter.

Given the clerk’s demeanor, one can only imagine the horrors that must be a part of his life. His sombre, angry, bored, and holier-than-thou countenance leave me to wonder what odd mix of things must be happening behind the counter. He takes my order with the amount of respect one normally reserves for cockroaches. He responds to my sincere thank you with an annoyed, “next,” and all I can do is hope that one day his life will be better.

The menu, while serving its obvious purpose, goes beyond that. It is a teacher of life. Depicted on the board are the names of the various food items, their prices, and next to some of them – a picture. It is with these pictures that I find a valuable life lesson. The lesson is disappointment. The stark truth of reality.

On the menu, an ideal is presented. This is a quarter pounder with cheese. It has been crafted with care, using only the freshest of all of its ingredients. Smiling, happy people made this burger. Who else could’ve made such a marvelous looking thing?

Looking at the tray directly below me – reality is instead seen. A small box with a sticker that says “-pickles,” contains a burger that is missing onions, but has pickles. The buns look like they were beaten flat to save space, the burger somehow looks homesick (I didn’t know this was possible), the lettuce leftover from a high school food fight, the pickles … indescribable. The mustard and ketchup look good, though.

Is that the true purpose of McDonald’s? To teach kids from a young age that lies will greet you at every turn, and that you should accept them early? Surely, some children must complain when they see what they get compared to what is advertised. Here, McDonald’s works its magic – breaking you down to accept reality, while you stare at the tray, with it’s paper placemat, containing pictures of beautiful things that you don’t have.

The food, I’ve eaten here before, is McDonald’s food. If I traveled five hundred years into the future, and everything seemed strange and foreign and frightening – the Golden Arches would be a God send. Humans may have evolved gills, or learned to speak telepathically, or we’re no longer born with an appendix (not that I could tell by looking at someone, but I’d get a vague notion) – but McDonald’s would still be the same. Promising quality, delivering in quantity.

For more information, please visit

Food: 2/5 stars
Service: 1/5 stars
Fun I had doing this: 4/5 stars
Amount of caffeine in me because I’ve been getting re-fills as I’ve been writing this: 5/5 stars

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