The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘fortune cookies’

So, You’re Making Homemade Fortune Cookies

Friends. You’re. In. Luck. Because I’ve got a bunch ready to go for you, so all you have to do is the hard work of printing tiny pieces of paper and making those cookies and then somehow shoving the paper in and not getting it stuck in the cookie.

Let’s say you have been dating someone a while (or not, you impulsive romantic) and you decide you want to ask that person to marry you. Simple. The fortune will say, “will you marry me?” and then when your potential spouse opens the cookie, reads it, looks up at you with eyes full of something (love? fear?) you say, ‘did that asshole cookie just ask you to marry it?’ How could he or she turn you down now, you clever goose!

Let’s say it is finals week and you are taking a break from studying by making these cookies. First, terrible idea, you should be studying, but second, here’s what you say. “A+’s are rarely given, but the dumb dumb in front of you deserves one. So … chop, chop, prof.” A+? More like A++!

Fortune cookies.jpg

Source: Wikipedia


Let’s say you have just bumped into someone while driving, and you have pulled over to trade insurance information. Trade information and then, before driving away hand them a cookie and say, ‘terrible way to meet you but it was, as much as it can be in this situation, a pleasure.’ You’ll be off and driving wherever when they open the cookie, only to read, ‘everything I just told you was a lie.’ Not bad!

Let’s say it’s New Year’s Eve and you’re hosting a great big party. Write a really flowery, delightful, heartfelt compliment on all of the fortunes but one, and that one outlier will say, “blood.” That’s all fine and dandy. But the fun party game for yourself is watching everyone’s faces as they read their fortunes and trying to figure out as fast as possible who the outlier is. Neat game!

Let’s say a friend has just posted bail and they’ve been meeting with a lawyer all day long and they just don’t know how they’ll afford this, or how they’ll survive, or what this means for their friendships, their marriage, their life as a whole and they are just scared to death of everything right now. Bam. Fortune Cookie. And what’s the note say? ‘You’re un-bailievable.’ Heart warmed!

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Fortune Cookies, Revisited

Fortunes:

  • Shhhh. This moment is for us.
  • Fortune will smile on you. Like a baby’s smile. Yeah, a gassy baby’s smile.
  • You smell really good when you think you’re alone.
  • Dale! It was Dale!? That is classic.
  • NO I WILL NOT CALM DOWN YOU JUST ATE MY HOME!
  • Am I the only one who is concerned that Mickey Mouse is an axe murderer? We can’t just let him … sweep … that murder under the rug.

Ok, well, that’s all I’ve got! Come back later when my future self is more ambitious than my present self and actually makes some fortune cookies! I will record the endeavor and put the shenanigans on the internet!

Fortune Cookies

One of these days I’m going to make some fortune cookies, and you can bet your fortune cookie loving tushy that the fortunes will be fantastic.

Here, try a few (of the fortunes, not the cookies! you silly goose!):

(Seriously, how could you try the cookies? Do you not understand the Internet?):

(I know I was making a joke as though you could try the cookies but you can’t, ok?, please, let’s just move on and get to the post):

(I’m not even sure I want to blog at this point. You keep bothering me about the fortunes and it’s beginning to upset me.):

(You know what? Yeah, maybe it is writer’s block. And maybe I wish it was an actual block so I could throw it at you because SHUSH with the cookie talk already!!):

(I’m sorry, I don’t want to throw a block at you. I take that back.):

(But hey, what if the block was made out of cookie dough! Haha oh boy, what a wild ride we’ve had):

…Let’s try this again tomorrow, eh friends?

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