The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘New Years’

So, You’re Making Homemade Fortune Cookies

Friends. You’re. In. Luck. Because I’ve got a bunch ready to go for you, so all you have to do is the hard work of printing tiny pieces of paper and making those cookies and then somehow shoving the paper in and not getting it stuck in the cookie.

Let’s say you have been dating someone a while (or not, you impulsive romantic) and you decide you want to ask that person to marry you. Simple. The fortune will say, “will you marry me?” and then when your potential spouse opens the cookie, reads it, looks up at you with eyes full of something (love? fear?) you say, ‘did that asshole cookie just ask you to marry it?’ How could he or she turn you down now, you clever goose!

Let’s say it is finals week and you are taking a break from studying by making these cookies. First, terrible idea, you should be studying, but second, here’s what you say. “A+’s are rarely given, but the dumb dumb in front of you deserves one. So … chop, chop, prof.” A+? More like A++!

Fortune cookies.jpg

Source: Wikipedia


Let’s say you have just bumped into someone while driving, and you have pulled over to trade insurance information. Trade information and then, before driving away hand them a cookie and say, ‘terrible way to meet you but it was, as much as it can be in this situation, a pleasure.’ You’ll be off and driving wherever when they open the cookie, only to read, ‘everything I just told you was a lie.’ Not bad!

Let’s say it’s New Year’s Eve and you’re hosting a great big party. Write a really flowery, delightful, heartfelt compliment on all of the fortunes but one, and that one outlier will say, “blood.” That’s all fine and dandy. But the fun party game for yourself is watching everyone’s faces as they read their fortunes and trying to figure out as fast as possible who the outlier is. Neat game!

Let’s say a friend has just posted bail and they’ve been meeting with a lawyer all day long and they just don’t know how they’ll afford this, or how they’ll survive, or what this means for their friendships, their marriage, their life as a whole and they are just scared to death of everything right now. Bam. Fortune Cookie. And what’s the note say? ‘You’re un-bailievable.’ Heart warmed!

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Attn: Ellen (1/2/15)

Front

Ellen200a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen200b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

We should have a Santa-like figure for New Year’s … The lady on this card! She shows up like a bad Comcast employee, anytime between 6am and 6pm on New Year’s Day and leaves a report card for your New Year’s resolutions. Stern New Year’s lady expects you to PUSH YOURSELF.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

Typical January 1 Post

Last year my girlfriend (now fiancé) and I wrote down our resolutions or goals for 2014 on pieces of paper that we then put up on one of the walls of her apartment. I can only remember three of my goals and they were ones I felt confident I would meet. The rest served as reminders for all that I did not accomplish. What stunning wall art!

This year the question is … do I tap in to my most ambitious self for the goals of 2015? Or do I put things I feel confident I’ll meet. Why not both?

 

Confident I’ll Meet

  • Read at least 18 books
  • Find a way to reduce how much trash I generate
    • One example of something I did in this category before: I went from using two paper towels in public restrooms to just one, also if air dryers are available I tend to use those
    • I don’t know what I’ll be doing this year to address this … so, brain, get to work
  • Cook more (since I’ll be a married man starting at the end of January I will be putting the fancy new dishes and cookware to use)
  • Get back to reading other blogs more

 

Goals I’ll Have to Work For

  • Beat my 5k and 10k PRs (and stretch more and better!)
  • Finish the first draft of the book I started during the 2013 NaNoWriMo (good thing documents on a computer don’t gather dust …) OR some other book project I have started and not finished
  • Experiment with a new dish AT LEAST once every 3 weeks!
    • This might not sound hard, but do you know how EASY it is for me to make the same 6 or so dishes over and over?
  • Less soda (hopefully this will go hand in hand with cooking more since I usually only get soda if I eat out)

 

There you go public, and future self for my own reference, the goals/resolutions for 2015!

Attn: Ellen (1/1/14)

Front

Ellen151a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 Ellen151b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I think New Year’s might be the most romantic holiday of the year because so many people go to bed with such an optimistic view of their future selves due to resolutions.

Here’s to hope, and a lovely 2014!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

New Year’s Resolutions

New Year’s Day is fast approaching and that means I’d better get my resolutions in order. (Despite the fact that I sort of made fun of such things in a previous poem post.)

Last year, as far as I know, the only resolution I wanted and achieved was to reduce how many paper towels I use. After I go to the bathroom at a public bathroom I dry my hands with only one paper towel instead of two. This is simple but it does make a difference. You just spend a bit more time shaking water off your hands before grabbing a paper towel and wha-la, paper towel usage greatly reduced!

This year I would like to do another sort of green thing, as well as the usual personal resolutions which probably won’t happen.

Green resolution: take my Starbucks thermos to Starbucks whenever I go there (usually once a week). This will keep those paper cups I normally use from being used. Just like last year this is very simple but it does make a difference.

The usual litany of personal goals will make up the other resolutions …

  • Eat out less (priority number 1)
  • Send off query letters (which also means touching up my query letters)
  • Write more (finish that book I started for NaNoWriMo)

I am ok with the amount I read this past year for fun, but I could always use more of that. And of course expanding any knowledge I use for work (like by glancing at top coder in my spare time) would be great. But really, the top things are to eat out less and pursue my writing goal more. In November I cut down how frequently I blog so I’m reducing my excuses. Time to act on my goals!

Feel free to write some resolutions you have in the comments! (And yet more goals would be to read other blogs more, and get other people reading my blog more.) I hope you have some achievable and good goals for 2014. Whether resolutions or not, I believe it’s always good to be striving for something.

An Ode to New Year’s Resolutions

It’s nice to look to New Year’s Resolutions
As providing “I’ll get to it tomorrow” solutions
But look fast, my friend,
Last year is at an end
That means your resolutions start now
Give them a shot before you disavow

This year – an early bedtime every night!
You’ll be alert and awake and oh-so-bright!
But … that one show’s on late tonight …
And coffee can keep work all right

Ok, well, there’s working out every day!
Co-workers will see me and not know what to say
I’ll need protein with my work-outs, in the form of fillet
But, to properly prepare a fillet
You really need all day
So in my kitchen preparing, and snacking, I will stay!
Besides, working out resolutions are so passé

Eating better, though, that I … I …
Well, I mean, I can try …
(I’m saying that with a sigh
As I kiss Oreos, Doughnuts, and happiness goodbye)

RESOLUTIONS UPDATED!
Life’s too short to be un-sated
Be nice to people, animals, and the planet
As for the rest, roll with it

Attn: Ellen (12/28/11)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

There is a very real, and sad, chance that this postcard will accurately represent my New Year’s Eve.

On the plus side, soggy pizza is delicious?

Hope you have a fantastic New Year’s!!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

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