The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘New Years’

So, You’re Making Homemade Fortune Cookies

Friends. You’re. In. Luck. Because I’ve got a bunch ready to go for you, so all you have to do is the hard work of printing tiny pieces of paper and making those cookies and then somehow shoving the paper in and not getting it stuck in the cookie.

Let’s say you have been dating someone a while (or not, you impulsive romantic) and you decide you want to ask that person to marry you. Simple. The fortune will say, “will you marry me?” and then when your potential spouse opens the cookie, reads it, looks up at you with eyes full of something (love? fear?) you say, ‘did that asshole cookie just ask you to marry it?’ How could he or she turn you down now, you clever goose!

Let’s say it is finals week and you are taking a break from studying by making these cookies. First, terrible idea, you should be studying, but second, here’s what you say. “A+’s are rarely given, but the dumb dumb in front of you deserves one. So … chop, chop, prof.” A+? More like A++!

Fortune cookies.jpg

Source: Wikipedia


Let’s say you have just bumped into someone while driving, and you have pulled over to trade insurance information. Trade information and then, before driving away hand them a cookie and say, ‘terrible way to meet you but it was, as much as it can be in this situation, a pleasure.’ You’ll be off and driving wherever when they open the cookie, only to read, ‘everything I just told you was a lie.’ Not bad!

Let’s say it’s New Year’s Eve and you’re hosting a great big party. Write a really flowery, delightful, heartfelt compliment on all of the fortunes but one, and that one outlier will say, “blood.” That’s all fine and dandy. But the fun party game for yourself is watching everyone’s faces as they read their fortunes and trying to figure out as fast as possible who the outlier is. Neat game!

Let’s say a friend has just posted bail and they’ve been meeting with a lawyer all day long and they just don’t know how they’ll afford this, or how they’ll survive, or what this means for their friendships, their marriage, their life as a whole and they are just scared to death of everything right now. Bam. Fortune Cookie. And what’s the note say? ‘You’re un-bailievable.’ Heart warmed!

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Attn: Ellen (1/2/15)

Front

Ellen200a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen200b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

We should have a Santa-like figure for New Year’s … The lady on this card! She shows up like a bad Comcast employee, anytime between 6am and 6pm on New Year’s Day and leaves a report card for your New Year’s resolutions. Stern New Year’s lady expects you to PUSH YOURSELF.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

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Attn: Ellen

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Typical January 1 Post

Last year my girlfriend (now fiancé) and I wrote down our resolutions or goals for 2014 on pieces of paper that we then put up on one of the walls of her apartment. I can only remember three of my goals and they were ones I felt confident I would meet. The rest served as reminders for all that I did not accomplish. What stunning wall art!

This year the question is … do I tap in to my most ambitious self for the goals of 2015? Or do I put things I feel confident I’ll meet. Why not both?

 

Confident I’ll Meet

  • Read at least 18 books
  • Find a way to reduce how much trash I generate
    • One example of something I did in this category before: I went from using two paper towels in public restrooms to just one, also if air dryers are available I tend to use those
    • I don’t know what I’ll be doing this year to address this … so, brain, get to work
  • Cook more (since I’ll be a married man starting at the end of January I will be putting the fancy new dishes and cookware to use)
  • Get back to reading other blogs more

 

Goals I’ll Have to Work For

  • Beat my 5k and 10k PRs (and stretch more and better!)
  • Finish the first draft of the book I started during the 2013 NaNoWriMo (good thing documents on a computer don’t gather dust …) OR some other book project I have started and not finished
  • Experiment with a new dish AT LEAST once every 3 weeks!
    • This might not sound hard, but do you know how EASY it is for me to make the same 6 or so dishes over and over?
  • Less soda (hopefully this will go hand in hand with cooking more since I usually only get soda if I eat out)

 

There you go public, and future self for my own reference, the goals/resolutions for 2015!

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