The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘professor’

So, You’re Making Homemade Fortune Cookies

Friends. You’re. In. Luck. Because I’ve got a bunch ready to go for you, so all you have to do is the hard work of printing tiny pieces of paper and making those cookies and then somehow shoving the paper in and not getting it stuck in the cookie.

Let’s say you have been dating someone a while (or not, you impulsive romantic) and you decide you want to ask that person to marry you. Simple. The fortune will say, “will you marry me?” and then when your potential spouse opens the cookie, reads it, looks up at you with eyes full of something (love? fear?) you say, ‘did that asshole cookie just ask you to marry it?’ How could he or she turn you down now, you clever goose!

Let’s say it is finals week and you are taking a break from studying by making these cookies. First, terrible idea, you should be studying, but second, here’s what you say. “A+’s are rarely given, but the dumb dumb in front of you deserves one. So … chop, chop, prof.” A+? More like A++!

Fortune cookies.jpg

Source: Wikipedia


Let’s say you have just bumped into someone while driving, and you have pulled over to trade insurance information. Trade information and then, before driving away hand them a cookie and say, ‘terrible way to meet you but it was, as much as it can be in this situation, a pleasure.’ You’ll be off and driving wherever when they open the cookie, only to read, ‘everything I just told you was a lie.’ Not bad!

Let’s say it’s New Year’s Eve and you’re hosting a great big party. Write a really flowery, delightful, heartfelt compliment on all of the fortunes but one, and that one outlier will say, “blood.” That’s all fine and dandy. But the fun party game for yourself is watching everyone’s faces as they read their fortunes and trying to figure out as fast as possible who the outlier is. Neat game!

Let’s say a friend has just posted bail and they’ve been meeting with a lawyer all day long and they just don’t know how they’ll afford this, or how they’ll survive, or what this means for their friendships, their marriage, their life as a whole and they are just scared to death of everything right now. Bam. Fortune Cookie. And what’s the note say? ‘You’re un-bailievable.’ Heart warmed!

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Wikipedia Joke Guy

I decided on an identity for myself for classes. Is it too late? Let’s hope not, because it’s a gem of an identity.

I will be! … Wikipedia Joke Guy!

Here’s how it will work …

Professor: Well on this slide there are only nine things in the Common Body of Knowledge but … I thought there were ten …
(A minute later)
Me: Uh, professor … I just looked it up on Wikipedia. There are ten, I think you’re missing the “Operations Security” part and also, according to Wikipedia, Tommy Harris is a big stink face.

Aren’t I zany!? You see, anyone can update Wikipedia, so … I’m pretending that some random little kid … Um, you know … Went on Wikipedia and wrote … that … So … Sorry, keep going, Professor.

I have a feeling that would be the follow-up comment to my joke. There would probably be a few people in class who would get my joke, and the joke would maybe even get a smirk or two, but everyone would let me sit there in my joke explanation pain.

But would that stop me? Hardly.

Boss: Well I’m not sure when the Agile methodology actually started …
Me: According to Wikipedia it started in 2001, and also dinosaurs are a ploy by the government to distract us from the fact that Lasik is an experiment in mind control.

Cue the crickets, and the awkward joke explanation talk.

Attn: Ellen (11/9/11)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

Lund was beautiful!

If the University there happens to have someone reading this I am available to be a professor! Please?

I can teach Postcard Writing 101, or an advanced course in addition (subtraction I don’t really like – I tend to be more of a positive guy ……).

The jokes don’t stop!!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

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